Joy! The tulips have emerged, the cherry blossoms are blossoming and it is time for charts. The Rihanna one is more of a statement, but whatever. Knowledge is knowledge and there you have it.
New charts for spring.
May 10th, 2015Cleansing breath.
May 6th, 2015Wow, the last two weeks have been rough, work-wise. First a big client said they wouldn’t need a Keynote, then they said they totally did, then naw never mind, then eighteen hours before the global meeting HOLY CRAP WE NEED FIVE KEYNOTES SRSLY. Five decks in eighteen hours. The best part is they insisted I click through one of the five decks so the A/V techs set me up on a laptop in the far back corner of the room. The room was filled with giant display boards and my clicking was supposed to correlate with what the creative director was pointing to on the boards. Only one problem with that: I was stationed in the corner so unless I had a periscope perched on the top of my head I couldn’t see nuthin’. I could hear him point to something and say, “This campaign is something I’m very proud of, ” and I had to guess… uhhh, maybe in-store? Or digital? Or something entirely different? It was stressful. But now that is done and according to people who could see both the boards and the TV I kept in pretty good sync which means I have the lamest X-Men superpower ever in the history of things.
More importantly, I went to birthing class! No, not for me, I’m just rockin’ my regular pooch. No, my friend Neenernator who I went with to Germany is expecting in mid-June and since she and I have seen each other all kinds of naked (refer back to when I went with her family to the spa) I asked her if she would be okay with me being at the birth of her child. I want to see what it’s like. Neenernator said yes! Really! I can go! However it’s not all sunshine and placentas, if I’m going to be in the birthin’ suite I need to bring some skills so as not to be completely useless. So I went to a first-time parents class at Neenernator’s local hospital. I learned for five hours. I learned A LOT. I learned that however gross you think birth is, it can get so much grosser. For example, when your amniotic fluid breaks you have to remember the acronym c.o.a.t. – color, odor, amount and time. Odor, people. And bonus horror, after the baby is born the woman may spot and have cramps for six weeks as her uterus shrinks back down. This bringing-life-into-the-world-thing may be miraculous but it is just the worst. If I didn’t want to have kids already this just about sealed the deal. If they want teens to abstain from pre-marital sex they should have to take this five-hour class because dear Lord. Guess who has two thumbs and watched a c-section? This guy. I made a-cow-mooing-in-distress noises the whole time I watched, but I watched. I would have to say the best part of the class was observing the dads-to-be. It’s a class for first-time parents, remember, so these guys have no idea what’s in store for them. They were terrified – of the information presented, of what was required of them, of their partners, everything. They kept treating their ladies like beautiful delicate flowers wrapped around a hand grenade that could go off at any time. Meanwhile I’m calling Neenernator “Chubby” and making fun of her when she’d drop her bottle cap and could not retrieve it due to her swollen limbs and giant parasitic midsection-dweller. The other attendees were all in shock that I could do that and I wanted to say, “See, you should have found a girl with a sense of humor before you filled her with your genetic pollen.” Luckily Neenernator has an excellent sense of humor, plus she knew I would help her as soon as I was done mocking her. And I did, I picked up that bottle cap and carried her comfy folding chair and rubbed her back and counted through her practice contractions (I am terrible at it, I cannot math which clearly means I cannot count, thank God for iPhones). Since I am such a diligent friend I can get away with being a sassy one. It’s an excellent trade-off. I will, of course, blog in great but vague detail how the birth goes come June 13th (or thereabouts). Get emotionally prepared.
Movies I’ve seen recently. Get ready for a big pile of creepy.
April 23rd, 2015I spent a great deal of my youth not watching what everyone else was watching. Ergo, I missed many of the movies that were the zeitgeist of the 80s and 90s. And one of those films was Se7en. Remember Se7en? With Brad Pitt? And Morgan Freeman? “What’s in the box?” That one. I had, as one does, heard just about everything that happens in that film (grossness) but I figured it was time for me to experience it, finally. Though the city that this takes place in is never named, I decided that it was the same city the movie Delicatessen takes place in. The set directors must have had a glorious time make all that flaky paint and peeling wallpaper. I would have had a blast. (Some of these shots are Delicatessen and some of them are Se7en. I wanted to jumble them together to show you how similar they are in decrepit interiors.)
I was astonished at how not squeamed I got watching this film. I knew about sloth and how that was portrayed so as soon as I saw the air fresheners all over the ceiling I covered my eyes with a hearty NOPE because I don’t need those memories of Crusty Bed Dude. Other than that I watched the whole thing like a big girl. Alone! At night! In my apartment, with my big TV and a 65 tv wall mount full motion as well. Did I mention I was alone? Because I was. It is not a particularly stellar movie. Maybe it doesn’t hold up well over time. It’s been twenty years after all. I just didn’t find it really evocative. It felt like an extremely icky long-form episode of Law & Order or CSI or Criminal Minds, that kind of soap-opera-style procedural. Kevin Spacey was awesome (no surprise there, that man is a national treasure) but I’ve never much cared for Brad Pitt and he’s in, like, every scene. Boo. However, I’m glad I’ve finally seen it because now I have seen it.
The other movie I saw that was NOT a Nicholas Sparks movie was Perfume. Ah, Germany. Never stop being German. You know the Grimm’s Fairy Tales? They’re still bringin’ that level of “nightmares forever” type of storytelling. Brief summary: A young man is born with an unbelievable sense of smell. He loves all smells, he doesn’t rate them as good or bad. He becomes a perfumier and he figures out how to bottle the scent of femininity and happiness. Problem is you need to render that scent out of the source which means a lot of pretty ladies die so he can de-scent them. When, finally, he is caught and is taken to be hung for killing all these young ladies he releases his perfect perfume on the public and it overwhelms everyone in attendance with feelings of compassion and love. And then there’s a mass orgy. Great movie. Really weird. Really disturbing. I wanted to watch it because I love the lead actor, Ben Whishaw. If you’re not keeping an eye on him, you should. He is gonna be a big damn deal someday. It was originally a book by Patrick Süskind. Neenernator recommended it to me back when we were in college (I think she read it in the original German). Here is Amazon’s summary of the book:
In the slums of eighteenth-century France, the infant Jean-Baptiste Grenouille is born with one sublime gift—an absolute sense of smell. As a boy, he lives to decipher the odors of Paris, and apprentices himself to a prominent perfumer who teaches him the ancient art of mixing precious oils and herbs. But Grenouille’s genius is such that he is not satisfied to stop there, and he becomes obsessed with capturing the smells of objects such as brass doorknobs and fresh-cut wood. Then one day he catches a hint of a scent that will drive him on an ever-more-terrifying quest to create the “ultimate perfume”—the scent of a beautiful young virgin. Told with dazzling narrative brilliance, Perfume is a hauntingly powerful tale of murder and sensual depravity.
I believe Perfume is streaming on Netflix so go check it out.
A melange of things.
April 13th, 20151. I love flowing lava footage. It’s gooey, it’s glowing, I never get tired of it. I remembered watching a program on Hawaii and they showed lava flowing into the ocean, the only thing in lava’s path that can stop it. Watching them fight it out made me want to go back to believing in the old Gods, Pele and Heimdallr and Neptune and all them guys. I recently saw a perfectly-looping animated gif of the lava / ocean battle and I watched it for far too long. It draws you in, I tell you.
http://i.imgur.com/1BliSYw.gif
2. Shoulder chickens. They’re apparently a thing right now. I approve.
3. Another animated gif, this time of kitties moving with the sunbeams. Awwww.
4. This teacher bringing his A+ Halloween game.
Two artists that caught my eye recently.
April 7th, 2015Elspeth McClean. She paints rocks. Well, she paints a variety of surfaces, but primarily it’s rocks. Rocks covered in dots. They are fantastic.
Occasionally Elspeth will paint zodiac signs on the rocks. Or maybe a bird.
But it’s mainly dots on rocks. I also like her oddly-shaped rocks.
And her mandalas.
Since there is a huge demand for her work (as there should be) Elspeth will randomly put a bunch up in her Etsy store with no warning. They sell out almost immediately. Someday maybe I will be lucky enough to have a rock by her.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/ElspethMcLean
The other artist is Xavier Casalta. He also works predominantly with dots but they are very different. Much smaller. And in greater numbers.
His ability to shade and craft letters using pointillism is impeccable.
I’m a little bit obsessed with Xavier’s skill. That takes a level of focus I don’t think I have.
You can order some of his stellar work through his website:
Random things n’ stuff.
April 6th, 20151. This man put his own labels at the wine shop and the results are glorious.
http://obviousplant.tumblr.com/post/112604964273/here-are-some-of-my-top-wine-picks
2. Ever wonder what the people on vintage sewing patterns are thinking? Well, wonder no more.
http://mccallspatternbehavior.tumblr.com/
3. This chessboard is great. The pawns are snails! I don’t play chess but I want it nonetheless.
http://www.blankwilliam.com/kngdom-chess/ts2lq71753jlchqnhwag8egaa050oi
Plants!
March 30th, 2015This is going to be all plant all the time. If you ain’t down with horticulture, best come back later. Once upon a time when I was young and this horrid winter had not yet befallen us I went with my family to the Botanical Gardens in the Bronx to look at the train show.
I figured they would have different models of trains on display betwixt the flowers and trees but no, there was so much more. There was buildings! Lots of buildings made of twigs and seeds and pods and dried leaves, all representing NYC landmarks. I thought the bridges were the best.
The trains wove around them and went chug-chug and ding-ding and let me tell you even with all this technology nowadays it is a delight to be around a giant diorama like they would have in 18-something-something. Many of the buildings I didn’t recognize:
Some of them I totally recognized (Grand Central, hello! I walk through you twice every day!):
And hello there, TWA Building! I hope they repurpose you soon because you’re awesome!
Oooh, that’s meta: The Botanical Garden inside The Botanical Garden.
This one made me sad because it was the old Penn Station before it was torn down and replaced with that architectural toilet stall that is the present Penn Station. Even though I never knew you, Old Penn Station, I miss you. Sigh.
And these two made me sad because… well, frankly, they suck. When you make a gazillion buildings some of them are bound to be crappy. In this case, it is Excessively Morose Statue of Liberty and Barely Distinguishable Guggenheim Museum.
Now last week across the street from where I work at Macy’s there was the annual flower show. Macy’s has been doing repairs for the last two years so they had the flower show in a big tent out front which was lame. However, this year it’s back in the main area where the perfumes and makeup and handbags are. I missed it during the two years it was in the tent because golly gosh, it’s so beautiful.
This year’s theme is modern art. Macy’s took Roy Lichtenstein’s art style (gigantic paintings with comic book women) and it said “Bloom!” (like “Boom!”, get it? Word play.).
I was so proud of myself because I could name all the artists represented. There was Matisse:
And Mondrian:
And Magritte:
And Monet (lotta “M” artists):
And Klimt:
Underneath all the overhead foliage bridges were little pockets of plantery. My favorite was the escalators. Macy’s is presently redoing their basement floor so they cut off the floors right where the “down” escalators start and filled the areas with plants. For some reason I felt like the escalators still worked and if I took them I would descend into a magical forest filled with flowers and Totoros.
Off to one side was a Picasso sculpture:
And on the other side was, honestly I have no idea. A big mossy ampersand.
There was a sweet little impressionist-inspired garden:
And a wisteria setup with some faux Dale Chihuly glass elements shoved all up in there. I was reminded how much I love wisteria. Wisteria is dope.*
And for some reason I can’t figure out there were funky geometric lights off in another garden. I don’t see how that ties into any of the themes but I liked them so I will not be hatin’.
*You know how people get “Thug Life” tattoos on their abdomen? I really want to see someone get “Wisteria is Dope” across their belly in a really scary type. That would give me a great deal of joy.
So. Many. Charts.
March 10th, 2015I have a chart going all the way back to Thanksgiving in here (the pie one). But since Pi Day is coming up this weekend I feel like it is strangely relevant. Anyway, enjoy the hell outta these here charts.
Loads of creativity around these here parts.
March 9th, 2015I have been crafting and painting and working lo these last few weeks in between having a raunchy bout of bronchitis. I horked and sniveled my way through several craft projects of which I am very proud. Remember the nutria project for the wedding I’m going to in New Orleans? In addition to that, I made the bride a parasol that she can carry down the street while a jazz band plays behind her. When I bought the parasol online, I noticed that it had ten distinct sections that I could use for personalized messages.
(Here is a picture of the parasol I bought. The only difference is mine is dark purple, not white.)
First I sewed a festive black and silver sequin fringe around the entire outer edge.
Then I measured the blank areas and made five different stencils that I repeated twice:
1. The initials of the bride and the groom
2. The date of the wedding
3. The letters “NOLA” for New Orleans, Louisiana
4. A fleur-de-lis (a symbol of New Orleans)
5. And “2nd Line,” the name of the parade where a jazz band follows you around and you carry a parasol
Following that came the gluing of the Swarovski crystals. So many crystals, each one glued by hand. I bought a gross of white ones and I think I used about half, meaning there are 500 white crystals on there. That does not include the purple or pink crystals. Or the glittery hearts I ironed on. It’s… got some sparkle. But I think Ness is going to love it. Her wedding colors are purple and burgundy so this fits right in with her theme.
When I’m lying in bed watching “Vikings” I work on the nutria that will go on my jaunty hat that I intend to wear at the wedding. I’m making him out of needle-felted roving so he will be lightweight. I began that project by making a structure in the vague shape of a semi-aquatic giant rodent out of some scrap illustration boards I had lying around.
Then the wrapping and stabbing began. I didn’t want to use up all my fancy llama roving so I made the base out of regular wool. I wrapped and stabbed and wrapped and stabbed and then made two pads for the ample rump of the nutria.
Right now I have it completely covered in nice brown llama roving, I’ve stabbed the eyes into place (that seems wrong to type but it is accurate), the ears and snoot are on and all I have left are the legs, tail and teeth. It’s going to be a lovely nutria.
And finally, The Project That Time Forgot, the kitchen backsplash. I painted the trees on. Yay! And then I hated them because they were too thick and the branches looked horsey.
So after HorkFest 2015 ended and I no longer wanted to lay in bed and gurgle, I returned and carefully thinned down one tree and all the branches. Much better. Very happy now.
It might not seem like a big difference, but to me it changes everything. It is a vast improvement. Next I need to tile the pebbles at the bottom and then the scary stained glass portion begins. Eeek.
I saw some art house films! And I only regret one of them.
March 2nd, 2015A little while back I read on the internet that Lars Von Trier made a very long movie that had been split into two. They are Nymphomaniac Part I and Nymphomaniac Part II. I didn’t really have any interest in seeing them based on how they were reviewed but the director’s cut of both is presently streaming on Netflix so I thought, eh, what the hell. I hunkered down and watched Nymphomaniac Part I. Yeah. Sooooo, I can say it’s beautifully shot. It’s an incredibly well-composed film. Looks real evocative. That’s the positive. The negative is that it’s one of those movies just chock-full of intimate relations that makes you dislike sex, the opposite sex, the same sex, the English county of Essex, really anything to do with the word “sex.” Shia L’Boof kinda does an accent, Christian Slater doesn’t even try, everything is depressing and no one laughs ever for any reason. But again, looks great, not too depressing. Once I had gotten through this half I figured I needed to see the other half which is Nymphomaniac Part II and that’s when the regret kicks in. Oh dear Lord. This one is flat-out depressing to the point of making you want to drink drain cleaner. Not only do you hate sex, you hate all the everything everywhere forever. I’m going to put some bullet points right here that list some of the reasons you should not under any circumstances see this film, but they are intense and you are welcome to skip them.
Things you get to see in Nymphomaniac Part II:
- a sex scene with two foreign men the female lead has just met which has equal parts intercourse and arguing over who gets what orifice
- an at-home abortion with at-home utensils
- frequent shots of the female lead’s bleeding genitals due to excessive masturbation
- a whole bunch of rape (because who doesn’t like rape?)
- a solid flogging with a knotted rope flogger
- the unveiling of a pedophile in a creeptacular scene I will not go into detail about because it makes me barf a little in my mouth
- just a smattering of (unrelated to the above) pedophilia
- someone peeing on someone else who is lying in an alley after being beaten
- Willem Dafoe
Hi, people who made the right choice and skipped the bullet points! Welcome back. I was seriously bummed out for about a day after seeing these films, specifically #2. It haunted me with its bumminess. So my opinion is only watch these if you’re in college and you need to write a paper about female sexuality or dystopian society, or you really really liked Breaking the Waves. Other than that, skip it. NO WATCHO.
I did, however, see a art house movie I did like, which is Horns starring Daniel Radcliffe. I think it’s supposed to be a horror film but it’s not very horrific. It’s more like a modern-day Grimm’s Fairy Tales. I don’t want to tell you too much about it because the viewer discovers the twists along with the main character and I don’t want to rob you of that but if you liked Slither or Pan’s Labyrinth then this is the movie for you. It’s weird, Harry Potter does a great job, the scenery is gorgeous, I was totally into it the whole time. Good film. Surprised it didn’t get more press.