design-newyork.com

I think it might be the End of Days. For realz.

August 19th, 2013

And I have reasons. First of all, this summer saw movies called This Is The End and The World’s End. And Oblivion, and After Earth, and World War Z. All of them were about the apocalypse. But I’m not just talking about movie stuff. I encountered my own personal signs. CHILLING signs.

1. There’s a church near my house. The church complex is made up of three buildings that are around a grass park. I was walking home one evening and birds were swirling like crazy all around the church buildings. Hundreds and hundreds of birds. Then they all landed on the church roof and waited for… something. It was Hitchcockian. Is that a word? It is now.

2. I was riding on Metro North one day and I chose to sit in a facing three/two-seater. A mom and a little girl were already in the same area. See chart below.

See? Everyone was happy. No one was touching. As soon as I got comfy, the little girl got up, moved next to her mother which means her little legs were touching mine, and STARED AT ME unblinkingly for the rest of the forty-five minute trip. It was horrifying. I picked up my phone and obtrusively snapped a photo and she didn’t flinch. I don’t normally have a problem with clementine-haired folk but this kid may have changed me. METRO-NORTH-RIDING DEMON SPAWN. MAY YOU RUN OUT OF SUNBLOCK.

3. Thar be exposed boobses in Times Square. It’s only a matter of time before Disney is ousted and the peep shows are back. Give it twenty-five years and Times Square will return to its decadent fornicatin’ ways, I guarantee you that.

4. If you’ve ever met me you know that I do not much care for children. They’re fine creatures, but they excrete things out of both ends like a sea cucumber, and they should be litter box trained by, like, three months, right? My friend JR had the little boy that I painted the mural for, and JR asked me to be the kid’s godparent. Here’s a pic of me and the baby.

Yeah. I immediately said, “Did everyone else say no? This is a very bad parenting decision on your part.” They stuck by their guns. Then I asked if I became the godparent could I deduct the the kid off of income tax (the answer, sadly, is no.) Finally I said yes and then lit a million candles that this kid’s parents don’t die because I don’t want to take care of a non-litter box trained humanoid.

Someone asked me to be godparent of their child while not being held at gunpoint AND there are boobies in Times Square. It’s just like the Mayans predicted.

Posted in Nature, New York | No Comments »

The Renaissance of Television.

August 11th, 2013

We are living in an amazing time, television-wise. For the first time in maybe ever, everyone I know isn’t talking about any of the films coming out, only the TV shows, and specifically the TV shows on cable, not network. I don’t think anyone predicted this. I would like to talk about some of the shows I have seen recently, but because everyone watches shows in their own time the issues of spoilers is a big problem. I think if I put this here, I should be covered. No one can accuse me of springing surprise endings on them.

Since there are so many channels, I think executives are starting to allow the creatives to be creative. Creativity was never the issue. It was executives being scared of alienating viewers or losing sponsors. First there was late-night stuff, like Adult Swim on Cartoon Network, and that’s proven to be wildly popular. And then there’s the way Louie is handled, which is genius. FX said to Louie C.K. that if he could make a show for $250,000 an episode, which is not very much money when you consider how many people work on that show (approximately 70 people per episode), then he could do pretty much whatever he wanted. And Louie did, and it’s worked out well for everyone. That should be the system for tons of shows. I’m surprised they haven’t done an MST3K-type show yet. The budget on that must have been minute. It was really just funny people being funny, which is always entertaining. Anyway, my point being television right now is amazing. And I’m going to talk about a bunch of shows that I think have been amazing recently.

Breaking Bad

I know everyone and their cat has been waxing poetic on the awesomeness of this show, but I’m going to join them. Damn, this show is so good. I feel bad that Jon Hamm hasn’t been getting the Golden Globe and Emmy nods because Bryan Cranston keeps taking them, but (sorry Jon) Bryan deserves them. That role is crazy. The cinematography is fantastic. Hell, the songs they pick to go with different scenes is freaking great. I watch each episode like I’m watching a work of art being painted right in front of me. For crying out loud, did you see that train heist? I don’t think I drew a breath once during that. (Also, hey Bill Burr, one of my favorite comedians!) Now, this doesn’t mean the show is perfect. I know I’m in the minority, but I hate Jesse Pinkman. I have always hated him. I think he’s a useless tool. You know how some women are attracted to damaged men because they want to fix them or heal them or mommy them or whatever? I am not that woman. If I was Walter White, as soon as I had my connections set up and ready to go I would have dropped Pinkman like a Pizza Bite fresh from the microwave (they can be very hot). My other problem with the show is they keep killing off the characters I like. I liked Gale, the weird-music-listening-to, exceptional-coffee-drinking, vegan chemist. They killed him. I loved Gus Fring and he psycho OCD whatnot. Y’all know what happened to him. I thought Mike was a hell of a character. Surprise! Dead. POINTLESSLY dead. Totally did not need to die. I’m glad the next eight episodes are the last because I can’t deal with them introducing another super-dope character only to off him.

Will there be a Breaking Bad CD? I hope so. I would like all their musical selections in one place. Vince Gilligan, work on that.

Orange is the New Black

Yet another awesome TV thing that’s happening. Netflix is making their own shows. They made Lilyhammer, which I haven’t seen but is supposed to be great. Then there was House of Cards, which I also still haven’t seen but is supposed to also be great. I saw the original British series on PBS and that was dope, so when I get a chance I’m going to hunker down and watch the whole series in one day. There’s those episodes of Arrested Development that I need to see as well. A month ago Orange is the New Black came out on Netflix and I watched all thirteen hour-long episodes in basically a day and a half. So good. None of the actors are really famous. It’s mostly unknowns and character actors. And they are fantastic, I love them all. I can’t even name my favorite character because I enjoy so many of them. I guess my super-favorites might be Crazy Eyes, Miss Claudette and Tastee. And the old Chinese woman with the mustache. I did come to the sad realization that my personality would fit perfectly on that show. My spirit animal is an incarcerated woman in America. Wonderful realization to come to. Hooray for me. Also, there’s a prison guard that I have all kinds of feelings for. He is adorable. He ends up hooking up with an inmate who has full lips, a substantial rump and a wack dye job. I could totally be his girl. And oh? What’s that now?

OH HELL YEAH I CAN DRAW. ALL DAMN DAY. Call me.

Game of Thrones

I just watched the latest season of Game of Thrones. It was a bit underwhelming. Not bad mind you, far from it, but I have come to expect a certain amount of incest and rape per episode, and this season just did not deliver. No one accidentally touches their sister, or intentionally touches their sister. Frankly, there’s a profound lack of sister-touching. Theon gets tortured a whole lot (I called this season, “Wow, Theon’s having a crappy time, isn’t he”), and then there’s the Red Wedding, which interestingly I did not find to be the most horrible thing to happen. Don’t get me wrong, it was awful and horrendous, but the next episode when they cut off Robb’s head and sewed his direwolf’s head on his torso and then paraded around with it, that just gross and disrespectful to both man and beast. It made me feel unwell. I found out later that the producers/directors split one book into two seasons, so this season was diluted by half. People are concerned that George R. R. Martin isn’t writing these books fast enough. It takes him about five to ten years to crank out one of these tomes. In fact, at the most recent Comic Con Paul and Storm (a comedic band that I’m a fan of) sang this song live on stage:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7lp3RhzfgI

And then this happened.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqcqapoFy-w

Which personally, I think is just the bee’s knees.

Now, not everything on TV is glorious, blessed by the tears of the angels. There’s an irritating trend right now of making crime shows based on Swedish and Danish originals. There’s The Bridge and The Killing and Broadchurch and Wallander. Here’s a breakdown of every single one of those shows. Dead body in the village. Anyone could be a suspect. Cops do some investigating. Everyone looks serious all the time. Eyebrows are perpetually furrowed. At least twenty minutes an hour is devoted to someone pensively staring out onto the beach/the moors/the desert. And the pace must be mind-bendingly slow. They could cram so much more stuff into an episode if they didn’t take for-freakin-ever to do anything. I am presently trying to watch Broadchurch and The Bridge because I have high hopes that the closer it gets to the end, the more exciting it will get, but I think I will be let down. I shall heed the words of my co-worker Børkke, “High hopes and low expectations.”

Posted in Movie and Book Reviews. Possibly With Spoilers., Teh Intarwebz, The Telly | No Comments »

Internet.

August 5th, 2013

1. Reddit did a contest – who could write the best two-sentence horror stories. Here’s an article about it.

http://io9.com/two-sentence-horror-stories-are-actually-pretty-chillin-923728355

I looked at some of them and while the stories were plenty scary, the comments underneath made me snort-laugh.

2. There’s a web comic I like called The Dog House Diaries made by three men: Ray, Raf and Will. In addition to web comics, they often post charts. Anyone who’s been reading this blog for a while knows of my love for charts and infographics. Here are a few of my favorites from The Dog House Diaries.

Posted in Charts, Random Art Bloggery, Stuff, Teh Intarwebz | No Comments »

Meet my earthly possessions!

July 28th, 2013

I was cleaning my dining room table the other day and it occured to me that if I described the items I was putting away, it would really give you a window into my life. “Eclectic” seems appropriate. “Odd looks from strangers” also works. Here we go.

I bought some mugs. Six of them. But not any mugs, oh no. Edward Gorey mugs. I love Edward Gorey. Type his name into Google Image Search and you’ll see piles of his illustrations. I bought two of each mug.

There’s The Doubtful Guest (far right mug, wearing the scarf), the main character in a book of the same name. It’s about a guest who won’t leave.

The other two are from The Gashlycrumb Tinies, which is an alphabet book about children dying from various unfortunate circumstances. The far left mug is the cover of the book, and the middle mug is my favorite child/death, Neville.

So that’s one thing on the dining room table. Then there’s the pigeon mask. You know that horse mask that’s all over the internet?

That one. Well, there’s a pigeon mask just like it! It’s only 24 dollars! And now I own it.

See that second picture where’s I’m pointing? I’m also winking and smiling because I don’t understand how masks work. I realized that after I took the picture.

The last thing was the pyrographic bunny. The Moomins just got back from Africa where she said she saw this little guy and said, “Jessica needs this.” And she was right. This bunny looks CRAY.

What drug do you think this bunny is on? I’m guessing PCP. Or meth.

My collection of things, which already had a Bosch Christmas ornament and a fossilized wasp’s nest, now includes mugs with children kicking the bucket on them, a pigeon mask and a wigged-out wooden rabbit. I have never been so proud.

Posted in Apartment, Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, New York, Random Art Bloggery | 1 Comment »

New purse!

July 25th, 2013

I painted a new purse. I do this from time to time as they wear out. Sometimes I plan ahead, but sometimes I just take some paint and figure it out as I go along. That’s what I did this time, and I ended up with a Tim Burtonesque tree branch from which sparkly orange fruit dangles. It’s good, I like it. It’ll work fine for the next eight months (usually how long it takes me to run a purse into the ground).

Posted in My Art/Design/Business | 2 Comments »

The world be filled with weirdness. Yar.

July 24th, 2013

1. Hands down, my favorite headline of an article this year:

I read it about three times to see if it said what it really said. It does. The article is about a man who photographs people down on their luck, streetwalkers and junkies. This time he brought his telescope and these two ladies of the evening Takeesha and Deja were entranced by Saturn. Takeesha was inviting the johns who drove by to come look at the rings with her. I doubt any of the johns took her up on her offer, they were more concerned with Uranus ifyaknowwhatI’msayin’ I will not apologize for that.

2. I was walking past the enormous BCBG/Max Azria store on Fifth Avenue and I was struck by the oddness of one of the dresses in the window display. Let me take you through my journey. Dress #1:

Nice. Fine. Pretty.

Dress #2:

Equally nice, fine and pretty.

Dresses #3 and #4:

Again, nice, fine and– wait a sec, what the hell is going on with the dress on the left?

What’s going on there? Is this an homage to scoliosis braces? Or is the dress a lame attempt to mimic Leelo in The Fifth Element? Either way, fail. Crappity fashion.

3. Y’all watch Doctor Who? I do not. I do not enjoy like Doctor Who. I have no idea why. I SHOULD enjoy Doctor Who, but I don’t. It is a source of disappointment for me, my disinterest. It’s not for lack of trying, I can tell you that. I watched all of Season One on Netflix and thought, “I don’t care for this, but maybe it’s because of Christopher Eccleston. Perhaps I will care more with David Tennant.” So I watched all of Season Two and alas, I didn’t enjoy that either. I described it to Snorth as resembling a Christian gay conversion camp. An episode would start and I would say, “I like this! Yes I do! Like like like!” even though I was lying to myself. Then the episode would end, I would sigh deeply and with much dispair, straighten my spine, and forlornly click on the next episode, because that’s what you do. A ton of people I know and respect swear by this show, so eventually I will come around, right? RIGHT??? Nope. I was born this way.

Anyway, The Doctor is from a planet called Gallifrey, I believe, and he’s a Time Lord, so I think it is cool that the Gallifrean language looks like clock parts. That’s the point I was trying to make before I went on my self-hating Doctor Who rant.

4. I have found my dream chicken. They are called Ayam Cemani and they are from Indonesia. Their feathers are black. Their skin is black. Bones: black. Internal organs and muscles: black. For all I know, their souls are black. And I love them.

There’s a place called Greenfire Farms that sell them, but they are rare because the USDA has a ban on chickens from Indonesia. However, this farm got a bunch (legally, I have no idea how) and they’re selling juvenile pairs. I got so excited until I saw the price.

ARE YOU SERIOUS??? They’re CHICKENS. I looked into getting a wood duck back in the day and I was bothered by the $135.00 price tag for a juvenile pair. That is too much for chickens. Too much. Long story short: Jessica ain’t buyin’ no black chickens.

Posted in Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, New York, Stuff, Teh Intarwebz, The Telly | 1 Comment »

An artist I be diggin’.

July 18th, 2013

Before Tiffany’s style of stained glass, the windows in Europe were painted with a mixture of powdered glass, fired, and rinse-and-repeat until layers and shadows built up. It’s extremely hard and you have to train for a long time. It looks like this.

Now, in Alabama there is a big artist collective and they had a group show where they created work based on Grumpy Cat in the material of their choosing. Most of the art was lovely, but one piece was especially stunning – Judson Portzer’s Sir Grumpsalot. Brilliant.

Here’s Judson’s bio:

The time-honored skill of glass painting sets Judson Portzer’s studio apart as an almost magical space within Lowe Mill. Judson uses “paint” consisting of finely ground particles of colored glass to render intensely beautiful images that seem to carry the weight of centuries of history. Layers of the glass paint are added to panes and then selectively removed to create highlights before being fired in a kiln to become permanently fused.

Here’s some of his drawings.

Here’s his calligraphy.

And here are a few of his glass paintings. Sometimes he works with other artists. Judson does the faces, hands and details, and someone else does the fabric and background.

He does oldey-timey style (real oldey-timey, like Byzantine) windows as well, if that’s what the project requires.

And I really like this butterfly (it’s the same butterfly, photographed first in a window and then on a light table). And this flower.

I think he’s great. Apparently in addition to doing church windows, Judson has a booth at the local Renaissance fair. I wish he was closer, I would totally buy a piece of his. So awesome.

Addition: Someone also did a Grumpy Cat Wall Street Journal portrait. I will never get tired of this cat and this meme. Never.

Posted in Random Art Bloggery, Teh Intarwebz | No Comments »

Humor.

July 12th, 2013

Gosh, I love humor. Stand-up comedy, a quality drawing, hell, even a good meme works. I love how out of sorrow or misfortune comes laughter. For example, Paula Deen. We’re all aware of what just happened with Paula Deen, right? With the racism? Well, her social media team is still sending out tweets like nothing is wrong. Her tweet the other day was:

My favorite potluck dish is _______. RT me your answer!

I would have said something dopey like “Butter”. But people got really creative and I ended up laughing like a lunatic at my desk. Here were some of their responses.

NAACPeas

Massa spare us ribs

Black beans and white rice… On separate but equal plates, tho.

Swing Low Sweet Cherry Pie

Uncle Tom’s Cabbage

Onion Luther Ring Jr.

HANG A N***ER UPSIDE DOWN CAKE

Lynchables

Rosa Porkchops

Whips n’ dip

Wade in the Waffles

Civil Rice

Chef Boy-are-you-lookin-me-in-the-eye-ar-dee

KKKsadilla

We shall over-crumb cake

Salt and Vin*gger chips

Brilliant. I am envious of that level of awesome.

While we’re on the topic of humor, I’m going to list my favorite comedians. I try to avoid drugs and alcohol to deal with everyday trials and tribulations, and for me, listening to unch-unch-unch dance music and stand-up comedy helps to lift my spirits. I’ll do my top most-favoristest people and (in my opinion) their best albums.

1. Patton Oswalt. Albums you should listen to: Feelin’ Kinda Patton, Werewolves and Lollipops, My Weakness is Strong, Finest Hour

2. Bill Burr. Albums you should listen to: Why Do I Do This?, Let It Go

3. Chris Rock. Album you should listen to: Bigger & Blacker

4. John Mulaney. Albums you should listen to: The Top Part, New in Town

5. Greg Behrendt. Albums you should listen to: Greg Behrendt is Uncool, That Guy From That Thing

6. The Sklar Brothers. Albums you should listen to: Poppin’ the Hood, Sklar Maps, their podcast Sklarbro Country

7. Kyle Kinane. Album you should listen to: Whiskey Icarus

8. Pete Holmes. Albums you should listen to: Impregnated with Wonder, Nice Try the Devil

Posted in Stuff, Tasty 'n' Delicious, Teh Intarwebz | No Comments »

Mental dust bunnies. And Macbeth.

July 11th, 2013

1. Ooooh, ROASTED. Must remember all of these for forever.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/the-smartest-comebacks-of-all-time

2. I am flummoxed by several things I have seen recently. On my way from work, I went past one of the glittery costume jewelry stores on my route. I’ve mentioned them before. In addition to the clanky giant sparkle neck-festivals they sell, the stores often sell blinged-out household objects. Like this heart phone.

And this tissue box with a skull and crossbones on it.

But I didn’t understand this purse. Note the spikes poking out of the handle. How are you supposed to hold it? It would stab your palm or fingers if you grabbed it overhand or underhand. Fashion makes me drowsy and lethargic.

The second thing I saw was on my way home. I was going past the White Plains station and on the big screen attached to the parking garage, this came up.

Big Girl Panties? Someone wrote a book called Big Girl Panties? Half of me is like, “That is a new low, America,” and the other half of me is like, “Great, now I need to find a new title for my autobiography.”*

The THIRD thing (I gotta a lot of issues) was yesterday, when I went on Amazon and saw this:

Are they selling Bluray movies that just came out in the theaters? Is this a new thing? I always thought you didn’t release movies on DVD until the theater run was over. Could someone get back to me on this?

3. You may disagree with me, but the truth of the matter is the most poetic language in the world is… German. Hear me out. They have beautifully descriptive terms to name things. A light bulb is a “glow pear.” A television is a “far-see.” A coelacanth is a “many fins.” But more importantly, being the fathers of psychoanalysis, the Germans have terms for ethereal things. Everyone knows “schadenfreude,” which is taking pleasure in someone else’s suffering. But there is also “fremdschamen,” which is feeling vicariously embarrassed for someone else. And the newest term I’ve just learned – “kummerspeck,” the weight gained from emotional overeating. It is literally translated as “stress bacon.” Best. Language. Ever.

4. I saw Macbeth!

It was done as a one-man show by Alan Cumming. It was really great for a few reasons. One, he’s Scottish, so he did the show in his real accent (Macbeth takes place in Scotland). Two, he’s an amazing actor and a cool guy. I’ve been appreciating his work for years. Alan has been knighted by the Queen of England and he has his own fragrance called Cumming (get it?). Talk about taking lemons (a last name that is crazy-easy to make fun of by bullies) and making lemonade (creating your own scent that hopefully smells nothing like its namesake). Three, the sets and lighting was fantastic. It takes place in an insane asylum. That means lots of shiny tile and reflective metal tables and chairs. That makes it really difficult to keep light from pling-planging around the set. Natasha Chivers (the lighting designer) handled it like a pro. And the way they did the three witches was really cool. Since this takes place in a mental institution, there are cameras focused on Alan. Ones like this:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a1/Three_Surveillance_cameras.jpg

There were three big flatscreens on the top of the stage connected to the cameras and when Alan wanted to portray a witch, he would speak directly into one of the cameras, so it looked like the witch was talking right to you. Great solution to a problem. Great show all around. I would like Shakespeare more if it was done like this.

*That’s not really true. If I wrote a autobiography, it would be called Grandma Panties. So I’m still safe.

Posted in Random Art Bloggery, Stuff, Tasty 'n' Delicious, Teh Intarwebz | No Comments »

Excessive.

July 8th, 2013

Did you guys hear about the thing in Brazil two days ago? If you didn’t, you need to listen to how this went down. Just when you think it’s gone as far as it can go, it goes farther. Ready?

There was a soccer game. Okay.

The ref saw a bad play. He called out the player. Good so far.

The ref and the player got into a fist fight. Unnecessary, but fine.

The ref pulls a knife and stabs the player, who later dies on the way to the hospital. That is a little much.

The fans get super-mad, go down to the field and STONE THE REF TO DEATH. Are you serious?

THEY THEN BEHEAD HIM AND QUARTER HIS BODY. What century is this?

AND PUT HIS SEVERED HEAD ON A PIKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD. I… I can’t even.

How did it go from “you get a yellow card” to an episode of Game of Thrones? Now Brazil is doing massive PR work because they are having the next World Cup and I don’t know about you but this is not a display of good sportsmanship. This makes those parents who yell from the sidelines at their kid’s little league games look like fuzzy yellow duckies.

Posted in Stuff, Teh Intarwebz | No Comments »

design-newyork.com

I think it might be the End of Days. For realz.

The Renaissance of Television.

Internet.

Meet my earthly possessions!

New purse!

The world be filled with weirdness. Yar.

An artist I be diggin’.

Humor.

Mental dust bunnies. And Macbeth.

Excessive.

Pages

Archives

Categories

Blogroll

Meta