design-newyork.com

The world be filled with weirdness. Yar.

July 24th, 2013

1. Hands down, my favorite headline of an article this year:

I read it about three times to see if it said what it really said. It does. The article is about a man who photographs people down on their luck, streetwalkers and junkies. This time he brought his telescope and these two ladies of the evening Takeesha and Deja were entranced by Saturn. Takeesha was inviting the johns who drove by to come look at the rings with her. I doubt any of the johns took her up on her offer, they were more concerned with Uranus ifyaknowwhatI’msayin’ I will not apologize for that.

2. I was walking past the enormous BCBG/Max Azria store on Fifth Avenue and I was struck by the oddness of one of the dresses in the window display. Let me take you through my journey. Dress #1:

Nice. Fine. Pretty.

Dress #2:

Equally nice, fine and pretty.

Dresses #3 and #4:

Again, nice, fine and– wait a sec, what the hell is going on with the dress on the left?

What’s going on there? Is this an homage to scoliosis braces? Or is the dress a lame attempt to mimic Leelo in The Fifth Element? Either way, fail. Crappity fashion.

3. Y’all watch Doctor Who? I do not. I do not enjoy like Doctor Who. I have no idea why. I SHOULD enjoy Doctor Who, but I don’t. It is a source of disappointment for me, my disinterest. It’s not for lack of trying, I can tell you that. I watched all of Season One on Netflix and thought, “I don’t care for this, but maybe it’s because of Christopher Eccleston. Perhaps I will care more with David Tennant.” So I watched all of Season Two and alas, I didn’t enjoy that either. I described it to Snorth as resembling a Christian gay conversion camp. An episode would start and I would say, “I like this! Yes I do! Like like like!” even though I was lying to myself. Then the episode would end, I would sigh deeply and with much dispair, straighten my spine, and forlornly click on the next episode, because that’s what you do. A ton of people I know and respect swear by this show, so eventually I will come around, right? RIGHT??? Nope. I was born this way.

Anyway, The Doctor is from a planet called Gallifrey, I believe, and he’s a Time Lord, so I think it is cool that the Gallifrean language looks like clock parts. That’s the point I was trying to make before I went on my self-hating Doctor Who rant.

4. I have found my dream chicken. They are called Ayam Cemani and they are from Indonesia. Their feathers are black. Their skin is black. Bones: black. Internal organs and muscles: black. For all I know, their souls are black. And I love them.

There’s a place called Greenfire Farms that sell them, but they are rare because the USDA has a ban on chickens from Indonesia. However, this farm got a bunch (legally, I have no idea how) and they’re selling juvenile pairs. I got so excited until I saw the price.

ARE YOU SERIOUS??? They’re CHICKENS. I looked into getting a wood duck back in the day and I was bothered by the $135.00 price tag for a juvenile pair. That is too much for chickens. Too much. Long story short: Jessica ain’t buyin’ no black chickens.

Posted in Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, New York, Stuff, Teh Intarwebz, The Telly | 1 Comment »

An artist I be diggin’.

July 18th, 2013

Before Tiffany’s style of stained glass, the windows in Europe were painted with a mixture of powdered glass, fired, and rinse-and-repeat until layers and shadows built up. It’s extremely hard and you have to train for a long time. It looks like this.

Now, in Alabama there is a big artist collective and they had a group show where they created work based on Grumpy Cat in the material of their choosing. Most of the art was lovely, but one piece was especially stunning – Judson Portzer’s Sir Grumpsalot. Brilliant.

Here’s Judson’s bio:

The time-honored skill of glass painting sets Judson Portzer’s studio apart as an almost magical space within Lowe Mill. Judson uses “paint” consisting of finely ground particles of colored glass to render intensely beautiful images that seem to carry the weight of centuries of history. Layers of the glass paint are added to panes and then selectively removed to create highlights before being fired in a kiln to become permanently fused.

Here’s some of his drawings.

Here’s his calligraphy.

And here are a few of his glass paintings. Sometimes he works with other artists. Judson does the faces, hands and details, and someone else does the fabric and background.

He does oldey-timey style (real oldey-timey, like Byzantine) windows as well, if that’s what the project requires.

And I really like this butterfly (it’s the same butterfly, photographed first in a window and then on a light table). And this flower.

I think he’s great. Apparently in addition to doing church windows, Judson has a booth at the local Renaissance fair. I wish he was closer, I would totally buy a piece of his. So awesome.

Addition: Someone also did a Grumpy Cat Wall Street Journal portrait. I will never get tired of this cat and this meme. Never.

Posted in Random Art Bloggery, Teh Intarwebz | No Comments »

Humor.

July 12th, 2013

Gosh, I love humor. Stand-up comedy, a quality drawing, hell, even a good meme works. I love how out of sorrow or misfortune comes laughter. For example, Paula Deen. We’re all aware of what just happened with Paula Deen, right? With the racism? Well, her social media team is still sending out tweets like nothing is wrong. Her tweet the other day was:

My favorite potluck dish is _______. RT me your answer!

I would have said something dopey like “Butter”. But people got really creative and I ended up laughing like a lunatic at my desk. Here were some of their responses.

NAACPeas

Massa spare us ribs

Black beans and white rice… On separate but equal plates, tho.

Swing Low Sweet Cherry Pie

Uncle Tom’s Cabbage

Onion Luther Ring Jr.

HANG A N***ER UPSIDE DOWN CAKE

Lynchables

Rosa Porkchops

Whips n’ dip

Wade in the Waffles

Civil Rice

Chef Boy-are-you-lookin-me-in-the-eye-ar-dee

KKKsadilla

We shall over-crumb cake

Salt and Vin*gger chips

Brilliant. I am envious of that level of awesome.

While we’re on the topic of humor, I’m going to list my favorite comedians. I try to avoid drugs and alcohol to deal with everyday trials and tribulations, and for me, listening to unch-unch-unch dance music and stand-up comedy helps to lift my spirits. I’ll do my top most-favoristest people and (in my opinion) their best albums.

1. Patton Oswalt. Albums you should listen to: Feelin’ Kinda Patton, Werewolves and Lollipops, My Weakness is Strong, Finest Hour

2. Bill Burr. Albums you should listen to: Why Do I Do This?, Let It Go

3. Chris Rock. Album you should listen to: Bigger & Blacker

4. John Mulaney. Albums you should listen to: The Top Part, New in Town

5. Greg Behrendt. Albums you should listen to: Greg Behrendt is Uncool, That Guy From That Thing

6. The Sklar Brothers. Albums you should listen to: Poppin’ the Hood, Sklar Maps, their podcast Sklarbro Country

7. Kyle Kinane. Album you should listen to: Whiskey Icarus

8. Pete Holmes. Albums you should listen to: Impregnated with Wonder, Nice Try the Devil

Posted in Stuff, Tasty 'n' Delicious, Teh Intarwebz | No Comments »

Mental dust bunnies. And Macbeth.

July 11th, 2013

1. Ooooh, ROASTED. Must remember all of these for forever.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/the-smartest-comebacks-of-all-time

2. I am flummoxed by several things I have seen recently. On my way from work, I went past one of the glittery costume jewelry stores on my route. I’ve mentioned them before. In addition to the clanky giant sparkle neck-festivals they sell, the stores often sell blinged-out household objects. Like this heart phone.

And this tissue box with a skull and crossbones on it.

But I didn’t understand this purse. Note the spikes poking out of the handle. How are you supposed to hold it? It would stab your palm or fingers if you grabbed it overhand or underhand. Fashion makes me drowsy and lethargic.

The second thing I saw was on my way home. I was going past the White Plains station and on the big screen attached to the parking garage, this came up.

Big Girl Panties? Someone wrote a book called Big Girl Panties? Half of me is like, “That is a new low, America,” and the other half of me is like, “Great, now I need to find a new title for my autobiography.”*

The THIRD thing (I gotta a lot of issues) was yesterday, when I went on Amazon and saw this:

Are they selling Bluray movies that just came out in the theaters? Is this a new thing? I always thought you didn’t release movies on DVD until the theater run was over. Could someone get back to me on this?

3. You may disagree with me, but the truth of the matter is the most poetic language in the world is… German. Hear me out. They have beautifully descriptive terms to name things. A light bulb is a “glow pear.” A television is a “far-see.” A coelacanth is a “many fins.” But more importantly, being the fathers of psychoanalysis, the Germans have terms for ethereal things. Everyone knows “schadenfreude,” which is taking pleasure in someone else’s suffering. But there is also “fremdschamen,” which is feeling vicariously embarrassed for someone else. And the newest term I’ve just learned – “kummerspeck,” the weight gained from emotional overeating. It is literally translated as “stress bacon.” Best. Language. Ever.

4. I saw Macbeth!

It was done as a one-man show by Alan Cumming. It was really great for a few reasons. One, he’s Scottish, so he did the show in his real accent (Macbeth takes place in Scotland). Two, he’s an amazing actor and a cool guy. I’ve been appreciating his work for years. Alan has been knighted by the Queen of England and he has his own fragrance called Cumming (get it?). Talk about taking lemons (a last name that is crazy-easy to make fun of by bullies) and making lemonade (creating your own scent that hopefully smells nothing like its namesake). Three, the sets and lighting was fantastic. It takes place in an insane asylum. That means lots of shiny tile and reflective metal tables and chairs. That makes it really difficult to keep light from pling-planging around the set. Natasha Chivers (the lighting designer) handled it like a pro. And the way they did the three witches was really cool. Since this takes place in a mental institution, there are cameras focused on Alan. Ones like this:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a1/Three_Surveillance_cameras.jpg

There were three big flatscreens on the top of the stage connected to the cameras and when Alan wanted to portray a witch, he would speak directly into one of the cameras, so it looked like the witch was talking right to you. Great solution to a problem. Great show all around. I would like Shakespeare more if it was done like this.

*That’s not really true. If I wrote a autobiography, it would be called Grandma Panties. So I’m still safe.

Posted in Random Art Bloggery, Stuff, Tasty 'n' Delicious, Teh Intarwebz | No Comments »

Excessive.

July 8th, 2013

Did you guys hear about the thing in Brazil two days ago? If you didn’t, you need to listen to how this went down. Just when you think it’s gone as far as it can go, it goes farther. Ready?

There was a soccer game. Okay.

The ref saw a bad play. He called out the player. Good so far.

The ref and the player got into a fist fight. Unnecessary, but fine.

The ref pulls a knife and stabs the player, who later dies on the way to the hospital. That is a little much.

The fans get super-mad, go down to the field and STONE THE REF TO DEATH. Are you serious?

THEY THEN BEHEAD HIM AND QUARTER HIS BODY. What century is this?

AND PUT HIS SEVERED HEAD ON A PIKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD. I… I can’t even.

How did it go from “you get a yellow card” to an episode of Game of Thrones? Now Brazil is doing massive PR work because they are having the next World Cup and I don’t know about you but this is not a display of good sportsmanship. This makes those parents who yell from the sidelines at their kid’s little league games look like fuzzy yellow duckies.

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Stuff and also things.

July 5th, 2013

1. KeKe Wyatt. Oh Lordy, I have an unhealthy need to see more of KeKe. If you haven’t been watching The Soup, KeKe is a singer on the show R&B Divas and she is a reality TV producer’s dream come true. There’s this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9Q904QkZHI

And that’s fine, but this, THIS, from :19 to :33, is magical:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dV1huVDLaU

Next time you see me, get ready for “Hahahaha – J. ROTH!!!” being yelled in your face for no reason. Prepare yourself for this inevitability.

Addendum 3/6/14: Best eyeroll of all time. I love KeKe SO MUCH.

2. What a great ad campaign.

http://youtu.be/xGTptt7iwj8

3. Did everyone see the Pacific Rim trailer? I was watching Monsters vs. Aliens the other night, and it occurred to me, Pacific Rim is really similar. There’s a scene in M vs. A where a giant insect fights an alien robot over a bridge. And wouldn’t you know, same thing in Pacific Rim. Look, here’s a pic from M vs A:

Aaaaaaaand here’s Pacific Rim.

4. I love this. If I’m feeling low, I watch this and things get better. Poof. Like magic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVg2QEYtdIM

And they are the same people who made this treasure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfammxKoUYs&feature=youtu.be

Posted in Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, Movie and Book Reviews. Possibly With Spoilers., Nature, Teh Intarwebz, The Telly | No Comments »

The Mermaid Parade where I wore my costume, Part 2.

June 26th, 2013

Fiddler crab!

Super-cool group of girls. I didn’t see them strut their stuff, but I hear they were great.

This guy. It took me a while to notice the crotch-tentacles.

Some antique cars. Apparently before the people march, antique cars roll down the street.

Oh dear. I don’t think this guy knew a parade was going on.

This woman had two mermaid tails like the Starbucks logo.

I really liked this woman’s costume. Very clever.

Body paint and a thong.

The most intense quadra-boob in the history of quadra-boob.

Some Russian women and a little girl in a sailor suit. That is some impressive underpant-showing.

This is a group photo of everyone who was standing in our basic area. So many colors! So jaunty!

There were some costumes that really caught my eye as spectacular/horrifying/both. One was the drag queen / anemone.

He had a companion lungfish. Here’s a picture of them posing together.

And here’s someone else’s photo where you can appreciate the lungfishy-ness of the lungfish.

Here is a lady in a nautilus costume. I believe nautilii are a perfect example of the absence of intelligent design. They are basically octopuses in giant snail shells, and they swim backwards, unable to see where they are going. That there is some dumb design. I love them anyway.

Also this amazing octopus-man. My picture and someone else’s picture:

These two guys. Wow. One guy was wearing a leopard-print Borat bathing suit. The other one was wearing a rope with a sparkly codpiece… and nothing else.

Here are some other people’s pictures where you can really, ahem, appreciate the front.

Edward Scissorhands and A Hedge!

The most unhappy lobster I have ever seen. That man made this expression all day. Like a sad-face emoticon. 🙁

Adored the seagull-man. Brilliant costume.

Here are pics of me get interviewed for the news. So exciting.

When I marched, people cheered at me:

And took photos of me:

My dad was there! And he cheered for me! It was most heartening.

And my dad’s freaky doppelganger was also there! He was there last time I went as well. According to others, he goes to all the parades. With his parrot and his dog.

Here’s last time’s photo:

And here’s this time’s photo:

And these were my favorite bystanders. That is some fine whale-tail.

And finally, the piece de resistance. I did not apply adequate sunscreen, and when I got home, I looked like this:

I call this “Poor Choices Theater.” It hurts SO MUCH. I’m going to get through it. Next year if I go to the Mermaid Parade (purely to watch) I am wearing a bedsheet with two holes cut out for eyes like a ghost.

Posted in Burning Man, My Art/Design/Business, New York, Random Art Bloggery | No Comments »

The Mermaid Parade where I wore my costume, Part 1.

June 26th, 2013

You remember that costume I made for Burning Man? The one that I sweated and toiled over for about a year? And then Burning Man was too dusty? And during Halloween we had a massive storm? Well, The Mermaid Parade came around this year and I finally, FINALLY got to rock my costume. And rock it I did. I got on the news, people! I got on the news, and not as an innocent bystander or a suspected burglar but for a positive thing! That’s not how I expected that to go at all. Okay, we’re gonna take it from the top.

Here’s the Wikipedia page on the Mermaid Parade, in case you are unfamiliar with what it is and how it is structured.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coney_Island_Mermaid_Parade

And here is a previous entry of mine when I was a spectator on the boardwalk.

https://design-newyork.com.fwtrading.x10host.com/wp/2010/06/22/mermaid-parade/

I went there with Nessa and since she wanted to march too I made her a costume as well. I put silver fish all over a dress, made a silver fish tiara, and with the remaining fabric I made a silver cape that said “Sardine Queen” on it in red sparkly letters. She look mahvelous.

However, for the first time in maybe ever, I was the belle of the ball. As I approached the registration area, I was MOBBED by photographers like I was on a red carpet. All of them were saying things like, “Over here! Over here ma’am! Right here! Ma’am!” etc. And every time I walked about ten feet for the rest of the day, I got asked to have my photo taken. People were freaking out. It was gratifying because it was for something I had created. And confusing because I am unaccustomed to fame and the trappings therein. I’ve never had people gawk right at me like that. In moments like these, having Digital Business Cards becomes essential, allowing me to easily share my contact information and connect with new fans and supporters who want to learn more about my work.

I felt like a Disney character. “Holy crap, there’s Donald Duck! Quick kids, go pose for a picture with Donald!”

Nessa and I got there early because the website said to get there early. We took a cab from her apartment in Astoria which normally wouldn’t be a problem, but I had already gone through the process of pinning my hat on, so I had to crouch in a weird position for the thirty-minute ride. Nessa thought that was charming and took a picture of me. I was less thrilled. Feel my joy.

We got our wristbands and our number and lined up to go on out onto Surf Avenue. I didn’t get to see the parade because they had the participants corralled on a dead-end street. It’s a good system considering anyone can participate. The number they give you when you register is a three-digit number that starts with 1 through 9. I was 711, for example. Then there are giant posterboard numbers stuck all along the fence in increments – 500, 600, 700, and so on. I stood in the 700 section. A man with a loudspeaker kept us updated on when to march forward. That’s it. Super-easy. And everyone was really friendly in the 700 block. Here’s some of the people heading towards the registration area.

My lobster pal:

The fish crossing guard (the other side of his sign said “swim!”)”

This lady:

This off-putting person:

I don’t know what was going on with this guy. There was a group called “The Book of Mermen” (GET IT???) and this guy marched with them. What he or she has to do with either sea-dwellers or followers of Joseph Smith, I do not know.

Here’s one of the Mermen.

And here is someone else’s photo of the leader of The Book of Mermen. Please note the narwhal hat.

The twins (they were very nice and not creepy at all):

And all these people:

We walked past Nathan’s, which was packed to the gills. (Fish reference! Mermaid Parade! Hooray!)

Next door, merfolk were snackin’ on foods and beers.

I walked past a pile of glitter on the ground and said, “Oh look, a fairy barfed.” There were many fairy barfings around town.

A float with angry drag queens on it:

And this creeptacular bit of parenting.

I don’t know if this person made this hermit crab costume or rented it. I don’t care. This is awesome.

This was weird – this flatbed truck was covered with that plastic that mimics ice, and a kid was ice-skating on it. Ummm, she could fall off the edge, did no one think of that? Maybe some kind of bumper guard or fence for her?

We walked past this sign. In case you can’t read the whole thing, it says, “The Greater Eternal Light Church of the Apostolic Faith, Inc. Christ Temple.” Your church’s name doesn’t need to have all the words ever in it. It is not a Google search.

This guy had some kind of electric fan built into his helmet so bubbles just kept perpetually pouring out. It was delightful.

This woman’s upper body is covered by body paint and glitter. That’s it.

There were these people milling around the 700 block.

There were a group of people rehearsing a dance number.

There was this fella workin’ an American Flag Speedo and a necklace made of syringes. Because who the hell knows. You’re going to notice that trend, the “Wuh…Why?” reaction.

Metrocard dress!

This is Mr. Flamingo Hat talking to Loki from the Avengers with a crab claw staff. I really enjoyed typing that.

All the Avengers were there with fishy paraphernalia stuck all over themselves.

There was the Gotham Beard Alliance.

I seriously believe the orange-haired girl is rockin’ a real beard. And I must say, she wears it well.

A dress made of straws.

There was “Wet Side Story”, Sharks vs. Nets.

Sea Monkeys on unicycles!

I made friends with this lady but between my antennae and her blowfish boobs, we could not embrace. We just stood adjacent to each other.

There was this dog with blue feet who did not wish to be there.

And these chihuahuas dressed as mermaids.

A young girl on stilts!

Oh dear. This guy. I’m undecided if he’s amazing or crazy.

Here’s someone else’s picture.

Tomorrow, we continue on this journey of New York’s wacky and wonderful art parade.

Posted in Burning Man, My Art/Design/Business, New York, Random Art Bloggery | No Comments »

Summer approaches and charts are in bloom.

June 20th, 2013

I have some charts and one helpful tweet. Please enjoy.

Posted in Charts | No Comments »

Lumen 2013.

June 18th, 2013

My co-worker X told me about an art festival on Staten Island this past Saturday. He sent me a link. Here’s what it said:

http://www.timeout.com/newyork/things-to-do/lumen-a-staten-island-art-festival

Now, doesn’t that sound kind of interesting? And look at that neat picture in the article. Armed with this description, I headed out to Staten Island for the first time in my 36 years of living in this area and went to go hang out in an empty pool with a bunch of other artsy New Yorkers. I rode the ferry, which was delightful, and walked over to the pool with my pal G. I should have been prepared for what entailed when, during the walk over, I noticed we were completely surrounded by hipsters. I have a real problem with people who like things ironically. Either you like something or you don’t, but don’t pretend to like things that are terrible in order to appear cool. That should have been the tipoff. Shortly after arriving at the pool, we took a stroll around to get a sense of the place. I have to say, the above ground fibreglass pools and the facilities were beautiful. Here’s a bit of history:

Joseph H. Lyons Pool, the largest public pool on Staten Island, was built in 1936. Constructed by the Works Progress Administration (WPA), the Lyons Pool was one of eleven pools that opened throughout New York City in a single summer during the Great Depression. The pools were among the most remarkable public recreational facilities in the country and represented the forefront of design and technology. The main pool measures 165 feet long and 100 feet wide, while both the wading and diving pools are 100 feet by 68 feet. Pools Etc is the company to call for expert pool maintenance services. The pool is designed to accommodate 2,800 bathers at a time; during the first summer, crowds averaged 5,707 people each day. The influence of the WPA pools extended throughout entire communities, attracting aspiring athletes and neighborhood children, and changing the way millions of New Yorkers spent their leisure time.

There were levels with gardens and round turreted brick buildings throughout. We got there before the sun had set, so many people were still setting up.

Now, here’s the deal, and hate me if you want to, but this is how I feel. I’ve complained about the word “artist” and this was a prime example of that precise point. Everyone wants to be interesting and creative, but not everyone has talent. There were maybe forty exhibits and almost all of them were projectors projecting odd movies onto walls. One was a movie of a woman in a room filled with balls holding a birthday cake in front of a goat. Later in the movie she was brushing its fur.

I was mostly disappointed. There were so many missed opportunities. First, let’s talk about what the word “lumen” means. According to Wikipedia, a lumen can be thought of a measure of the total amount of visible light in some defined beam or angle, or emitted from some source. Okay, so within the concept of light, this excludes fire, so no fire-breathers or fireworks or anything like that. It would probably be dangerous with the public all over the place anyway. So that leaves bulbs and LEDs and glowsticks. So aside from projectors, why was there no one doing something in the style of Indonesian shadow puppets? And there was such limited use of LEDs, or Christmas lights. I would loved to have seen a flock of something lit up wandering around in a group, like a group of snails with glowing shells, instead of most of the pieces being so sedentary. We live in New York, for crying out loud, there are costume designers, fashion designers, window decorators, set designers, sculptors galore. After going to Burning Man and seeing the truly amazing things there*, it was difficult to see such a limited palette of styles within a subject.And then there were performance artists. God almighty, I hate performance artists. They’re often unnecessarily naked, they use food as part of the performance, and the food never goes in their mouths. I remember the first time I encountered performance art. When I was about eight, my mother took me to see Urban Bush Women. They were a company of African-American women who did all kinds of authentic African dance as well as other kinds. It was all going well and good, and then somewhere near the end one of the dancers came out alone on the stage and said she wanted to do a piece on her feeling on slavery. She stood under a single spotlight topless with a carton of eggs. And then, in complete silence, she smashed the eggs on her breasts and rubbed them all over. For twenty minutes. In complete silence. When she finished, she was crying and everyone clapped. I slowly turned to face my mother and she looked at me in abject horror and said, “I am so sorry.” Ever since then I don’t care for performance art. My hackles, they rise. And this didn’t change my feelings. There was a large man in his underpants wearing smeared white face paint yelling and throwing individual slices of bologna.

Then he lay on the ground alternately shrieking and woefully singing “Vacation, all I ever wanted, vacation, had to get away…” I wanted to punch everyone in the world.

http://makeagif.com/i/zMZVqN

There was also a man wearing a wig, a hazmat suit and a ladies’ bathing suit crawling laps slowly in the pool. Back and forth for six hours.

There was this woman sitting perfectly still in an uncomfortable position for a really long time at the top of a flight of stairs.

And there was a woman in a tub full of foam scooping it up with her hands and blowing it around. Also for six hours.

Not to belabor the point, but just because you shine a light on yourself doing some weird stuff doesn’t make it relevant to the Lumen concept. I’m sorry, I’m done complaining. There were a few things that were actually really well-done and well-designed. For example, the cicada. The cicada had a bicycle hooked up to an electrical thingie underneath it, and if you pedaled, the wings went up and down and the legs lit up.

And there were men laying like a clock. They had a sound system that clicked off sixty seconds and then made a soft “ding” and the men knew to move ever so slightly over. I checked my iPhone a bunch of times and these guys were right on the mark.

There was a projector into the pool showing a blobby water pattern and a small girl was running around in it, utterly delighted by its perpetually changing shape.

Then the pattern changed to something more square, and the little girl was devastated. She just crumpled up into a silent sadness pile in the middle of her former beloved light source. It was very dramatic. Her mother, standing next to me bemusedly watching all this go down, said the quote of the night, “That is some Tilda Swinton sh*t.”

There was a pool of what appeared to be milk, and a projector shone down on it with geometric patterns in fun colors. The children were splashing around in it with glee. These photos were taking before the glee-splashing commenced.

There was one station that used 3D glasses.

And there was a deep pool that hasn’t been open for 28 years (“too many floatuhs” said the security guard) and there was about a foot and a half of stagnant water with algae and weeds growing in it. A bald man with a flowing red robe spent a good while slowly crossing this deep pool using two white stools. It was quite hypnotizing.

And someone made a crashing wave sculpture out of chicken wire and gauze, then shone a blue light on it from two angles. It was ethereal.

I do not regret going, there was enough cool things to experience and the weather was sumptuous. I would go again if it was better curated, less projectors and more alternative approaches. And, I got to ride the ferry, twice! I loved it. I found it humorous that the pillars of the ferry port on the Staten Island side was painted like the pillars in Sephora. The black and white striped pillars are the iconic look of Sephora. I don’t know who the ferry folk thought they were foolin’, but I knew better. This was no Sephora. The dumpsters is what gave it away. That, and the complete lack of eyeshadow.