As you celebrate this festive holiday season, drinking nog and eating whatever cooked beast your family whips up, please take some time to think of the charts. Those charts, who gave selflessly of themselves all year long so we could know more things without requesting anything in return. God bless them, every one.
1. I recently had to do an web ad for a Japanese client and they wanted koi fish, so I did some koi fish research, and I now can say I have a favorite type of koi fish. They are called shusui, and in addition to having lovely orange blotchies on their sides, they have these black marks on their spines which make them look like Day of the Dead skeletons.
2. Also pertaining to my work, I made a logo for a yogurt shop, and they asked for a repeating band they could put around the store as a chair rail, on the napkins, on the website, etc. So I designed one and it’s very cheerful. I’m posting this primarily because people are always saying, “Why is everything you design with the creepy forests and the monsters and the like? Don’t you ever want to draw a golden retriever puppy gamboling in a field of daisies?” Hey, people who say that, check it out. Happy happy yogurt in cups. Not even remotely macabre.*
3. There’s this artist named Adam, I think his last name is Ellis, and he has a delightful blog called Books of Adam which has caused me to snork my beverage more than once. He does portraits of people for about twenty-five dollars a pop, and they are really, really special. Here are some of my favorite of his blog entries:
http://www.booksofadam.com/2011/04/last-best-place.html
http://www.booksofadam.com/2011/03/more-stupid-cat.html
http://www.booksofadam.com/2011/02/mahalo-come-again.html
http://www.booksofadam.com/2010/11/poor-stupid-cat.html
http://www.booksofadam.com/2010/10/there-are-no-facts-only-interpretations.html
And here are some of my favorites of his portrait drawings.
*If someone wants to pay me to make something with a puppy romping in a field I will more than happily draw it for them. I love puppies. However, if I ain’t makin’ paper I will draw what I want, and that’s insects and deep sea fish and skulls. So shush already.
Someone recently asked me what my typical work day was like. I thought that was an interesting question and I would go about answering it the best I could. I have some days (very few) when there’s little to do, and some days (way too many) when I just slog though piles of work for thirteen hours straight. I’m giving an example where I have some work to do, but it’s not consuming my every waking moment. Enjoy.
9:52 a.m. – Show up at work. Make enormous vessel of herb tea. Meet up with co-workers (there are five of them) to discuss previous evening’s activities. Consider laying down on disgusting never-washed carpet and going back to sleep.
10:07 a.m. – Read emails. Answer work emails. Divvy up work between me and my co-workers. Børkke walks in to office to have meeting about daily work tasks. She has composed a new song about cheese.
10:07 a.m. -10:11 a.m. – Listen to horrible Michael McDonald-style song about cheese.
10:12 a.m. – Discuss what everyone’s going to have for lunch.
10:14 a.m. – 1:43 p.m. – Design a Keynote presentation, or a brochure, or an email signature, or a headsheet for a meeting, or a letterhead, or photoshop some images. Listen to unch-unch-unch dance music the whole time while wearing big floofy earphones. Refill giant tea mug twice. Go tinkle forty-seven thousand times because of it.
1:44 p.m.-2:03 p.m. – Actually eat some real-person food. During that time, check myriad of websites like Buzzfeed. Snort-laugh repeatedly at videos while wearing earphones so no one knows why you’re laughing. Reinforce pre-conceived notions that you’re mentally unbalanced.
2:04 p.m. – Have important office meeting. End up coming up with dance moves for The Cheese Song.
2:05 p.m. – Figure out with co-workers how we’re going to deal with the enormous soul-crushing project happening the next week. Make mental note to see friends and do laundry this week, because next week I will be so strapped for time that I will be unable to find time to shower. Consider laying down on too-small uncomfortable couch and going back to sleep.
2:09 p.m.-6:04 p.m. – Continue working on the Keynotes or brochure or email signature, etc. More tea. More bathroom. At some point inflict a video of a bunny/kitty/owl on co-workers. Co-workers feign interest while you make squeaky noises and threaten to pet subject of video to death a la Lenny from Of Mice And Men. BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT SO MUCH.
6:30ish p.m.-7:15ish p.m. – Put on coat and head out for hour-and-a-half commute home.
Peppered throughout the day: “Your mom” as responses to almost all questions, and “That’s what she/he/your mom said” as responses to all other statements. Also, cram as many racist/religious/sexist comments into your day as possible. Compete with co-workers to see who can say the most offensive thing. Hope HR never visits.
Photo of Børkke and me working late one night:
Addendum: Picture of my whole department at the Holiday Party.
As The Moomins has gotten older and I acquired my own place, I have taken on the responsibility of Thanksgiving to alleviate her stress, while enjoying moments of relaxation with THC gummies like Indacloud gummies bundle. She does a myriad of other holidays, so taking one off her plate doesn’t deprive her of festivities. I make the turkey, green bean casserole, stuffing, mashed potatoes and some desserts, and The Moomins makes a few things and the requisite Jell-O mold that is at every Eastern-European Jew’s holiday dinner. “Oh, is it a holiday? I shall boil some gristle and tendons in celebration!” But I’ve never made gravy. It seems daunting with many opportunities for greasy disgusting failure. Then, I was in CVS in October and I saw the latest Martha Stewart Living magazine on the rack.
Lookit there! “Foolproof Gravy,” it says! That sounds not-scary. I opened to the table of contents, where I was pleasantly greeted with this:
I can shake a jar! And she said, “Promise!” Martha wouldn’t lie to me. So I bought the magazine and went home.
A couple days before Thanksgiving, I actually took a glance at page 82 with the gravy instructions, expecting them to be relatively simple and uncomplicated. What greeted me was, sadly, quite the opposite.
What the hell, Martha? I thought we were cool! I don’t have seventeen hours and a staff of ten to make frikkin’ gravy! I don’t even own a whisk! You suck so hard, Martha.
However, I would not let this gravy situation ruin my Thanksgiving. I took out a bunch of steps that I found unnecessary, and sho’ nuff, my gravy was delish and everyone was thrilled. Here’s my recipe.
1. Buy a box of organic chicken stock from Costco’s. Make sure you get stock, not broth. Also, get organic stock because otherwise they add secret naughty things into it, like dextrose and MSG.
2. Put about a two cups in a clean take-out soup container from a Chinese restaurant. Add about 1/2 cup of flour to it. Put the lid on tightly and shake like hell until there are no lumps of any kind. Your arms will feel like Rosie the Riveter. This is a good thing.
3. Take the turkey drippings and pour them into one of those gravy-separator thingies. Wait about ten minutes. The grease will rise to the top. Pour as much of the non-grease-juices as you can into a small pot on the stove (about three cups). Add the contents of the Chinese soup container. Slowly low-boil the mixture over the stove, stirring constantly until it reaches your desired thickness. For me it took about seven to ten minutes of boiling until it got to a pleasantly festive viscous consistency.
4. Add a tiny bit of pepper maybe. Don’t add salt. Some people don’t like too much salt. Some people have high blood pressure. Let people add their own salt. Serve. Done.
It was delicious, everyone was happy, and I didn’t have to interact with giblets. A win-win, I think.
Addendum: A few hours after I wrote this, I saw a pertinent blog entry on mimismartypants.
Thanksgiving at my house was awesome, except for the part where Martha Stewart was a lying skank. That thing about soaking the cheesecloth in butter and wine and draping it over the turkey breast results in nothing but a shrieking fire alarm, frightened cats, and an oven full of smoke. Luckily this all happened before any guests arrived, so LT just pulled the whole cheesecloth mess off with barbecue tongs and threw it in the sink. Quit trolling, Martha. People (me) actually believed that cheesecloth nonsense. I’ma gonna get you back, lady.
Oh, internet. You’re the best thing ever. I used to have to wait for the once-a-week America’s Funniest Home Videos to see beasties talking, and if they did have one animal video, it was buried in a insufferable mess of golf-balls-to-the-gonads clips. Here are some of my favorite chattin’ beast videos:
Oh Long John:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LBKVXyrHcw
How To Give Your Cat A Bath (“Nooooooooooo!”):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKeggpbVybc
Displeased Dutch Goat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJQGuWTtTD4&
Jerry Lewis Goat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwy1qGdQ424
Argumentative Spanish Goat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7Ve-LGPdtY
Whistle-Howling Tiny Puppy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHAshi4vdbg
And this isn’t exactly a talking animal video, but I’d like to think this is what they would sound like if they could talk, and it’s also appropriate for the season, so here we are:
While I know many people want to get up at the ungodly hour of 2 a.m. to get the big deals (not me, never me), I am a big fan of getting stuff from independent, smaller shops. Part of it is altruism, and part of it is because sometimes the stuff is just more interesting and fun. So here is a short list of some of my favorites in case y’all wanted to go “small business” and “handmade” this season as well.
It says “Girl’z Lyfe” (that spelling gives me agita as well, it’s not just you) but it has cool things for both sexes. And they carry a lot of Fred and Friends products, which I love.
Shana Logic does skew a bit more girly and tweeny, but they have all handmade things and their selection changes fairly regularly.
http://www.shopplasticland.com/
And there’s PlasticLand. They focus mainly on vintage fashion, but PlasticLand also has quite the selection of Fred and Friends as well as other curiosities for your home and self. Check out the rad old-style ornaments.
In addition, there’s a woman I once met who made the best truffles – really creative flavor choices. She has since made her order quantities much higher (when I first bought from her you could get 30 truffles, now the smallest order you can place is 120 truffles). However, her work is impeccable and I highly recommend asking for the “Vinie” truffle, which is pink peppercorn and dark chocolate. Maybe buy 120 and split them up, then distribute them to a variety of people.
And don’t forget, there’s always Etsy (here’s my review of a few stand-out shops) and the stores in your town/village/city/floating island. Also, if you come to Manhattan, there’s a holiday fair in Grand Central and one right nearby in Bryant Park, and then there’s ones in Union Square, Columbus Circle, and St. Bartholomew’s at 50th Street and Park Ave. Lots of small business and handmade art at all of those.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Before I left for Africa I went to the annual St. Francis of Assisi Day Celebration in The Cathedral of St. John the Divine. It was a good year, not the best year I’ve ever seen there, but good. It would have been vastly improved had the raptor n’ owl guy been there, but alas, he was not. Sigh. However, I did have an “am-I-in-a-dream” moment when I was watching the procession of animals come down the aisle, and…hey, is that Edie Falco holding a baby kangaroo? For no reason whatsoever?
Yup, yes it is.
There were a lot of the usual suspects at this year’s procession. Not that they’re bad, just expected. Like this lovely cow.
Some llamas and an alpaca:
A wee pig:
The tortoise that, due to all the foliage around him, unfortunately looks like he’s being served for Thanksgiving dinner:
A dromedary and a yak and a duck and that woman who clutches the fennec right up to her chest so it’s impossible for me to get a decent photo, they were all there.
There were two distinctly new additions to the beastie-parade. There was a macaque (oooooh) and a coati (ahhhhh).
But, as always, the real winners were the people of New York and their pets. Were there demented owners who insisted on putting bows in their dogs’ hair and pushing them them around in strollers? You betcha.
A guy brought his turtle to be blessed.
But the most impressive blessed creature of the day was the British guy who brought his…wait for it…jellyfish to church.
There are two of them. I circled them because, you know, they’re see-through and therefore difficult to spot.
A bunch of other people took a whole lot of stunning pictures that people emailed me all day. They are far, far superior to my photos, so please enjoy.
1. This new (to me) web comic that Cricket has introduced to me is swell.
Here are some ones that make me especially happy.
2. A friend of mine came into the city from out of town and went to KidRobot because she had a coupon. She bought some Dunnies, one of which was an avocado. I own about six or seven of them, but once I saw the avocado one, the FIRE was LIT within me once again and I had to have more Dunnies (specifically the avocado one). A Dunny, in case you don’t know, is a bunny/humanoid-shaped figurine, often made of vinyl. Its natural state is plain white, so artists are commissioned to make designs that go on them. Those are semi-mass-produced, and then artsy folk such as myself can collect them and have wee 3″ sculptures all over our respective homes and/or workplaces. I went on Amazon and, sure enough, they had the one I wanted, but you can’t get just one Dunny, can you? (Answer: No, you cannot.) End of story: I now have nine new Dunnies coming in the mail. If I keep going at this rate, when I die my phenomenal clutter will AWE THE MASSES.
3. As you may know, I work in the sparkly district of Manahattan. Not the diamond district (47th Street between 5th and 6th Avenues), the rhinestone and costume jewelry district (peppered on 6th Avenue between 27th and 37th Street). And let me tell you, things get GAUDY. For example, even though I walk past these glittering treasures and become immune to them, from time to time something leaps out and accosts my eyeballs in a manner that I cannot ignore. Like this necklace.
Once again, WHO WEARS THIS?? It looks uncomfortable and stabby, and I don’t think it would lay right on a woman’s decolletage, all pointing out at different angles and whatnot. Not good. But it was positively glorious next to the newest addition to this window.
That’s right – wacky phones from Spencer’s Gifts completely bedazzled in high-end rhinestones. I don’t even know where to start. First of all, they’re crappy plastic phones that are now weighed down with small chunks of glass, so if they were going to break before, they’re definitely going to now. Also, when you hold them up to your face for a long time, the rhinestones are going to leave dents on your hands and face. Pretty! Then you’re gonna leave sweaty hand-and-face debris all over them, and you know how easy it is to clean something that is rhinestone-covered with a rag or paper towel. I must have stood in front of this window for a solid minute, jaw agape. You really need to imagine this window as the morning sun hits it, blinding the crap out of all the passersby. Sometimes I think these stores are just fronts for the mob, because who has this in their house? I have no idea how these stores stay in business. None.
I work in advertising, so I really should be on board with the tactics and manipulations of a product’s perception that my agency (and all the other agencies) do. However, when I see advertising, I want to know the product you’re selling, what it does, and how much it costs. That’s it. I don’t want to have this ephemeral mist of words and images trying to create a mood. I hate car commercials where a deep-voiced man talks about performance while they show a corner of a vehicle like a tail light, and the the speedometer and then the Cadillac logo and that’s it. That tells me absolutely nothing about the car. I think a great many people are agreeing with me and so there is a backlash against woo-woo artsy commercials and more sensible, straight-forward advertising. This week I was thrilled to see this banner ad:
And then I read about this commercial for the movie The Immortals. From what I understand, this is a real commercial and not a fan dub. If this is true, then that’s perfect. I was on the fence about this, but I’m going to see this film now.
In the last few days of my trip I did two things that are very out-of-character for me. One was riding an elephant. It’s totally terrific. They move very calmly and you can acclimate yourself to the rocking motion they have while they’re walking. Then you can let go of the handles and look around. This particular elephant ride was unique because the guide-fellow decided that the scrub-brush was too dry and uninspiring, so we ended up walking through a series of small islands. I was also pleased with the lifestyle these elephants have. They only do two one-hour walks a day, and the rest of time they are free to graze across the street in a natural reserve. They can come and go as they please, but because they are herd-oriented animals, they come home together every night to a big paddock. They sometimes go a bit rogue. One day, one of the females saw some wild elephants that she liked, so she went off with them. She showed up again ten months later and was pregnant. And a different time the herd came home with an orphan elephant that had been abandoned. He’s part of the herd now too.
Three people ride on one elephant – the handler and two guests. To get up onto your elephant you have to go up a set of stairs, like the kind they have for small planes.
All of us walking through the islands. The Moomins and Drea rode on the promiscuous wandering-away elephant named Mashimba, the one I mentioned above, and Cricket and I rode on a large, 35-year-old male named Marula who has a soft spot for babies. He’s the one the orphan follows around all day. It’s just precious. Mishi rode on the teenage love-child of Mashimba.
To get to the islands, we had to go through water. The handler said, “Give me your legs,” so I wrapped my legs around his waist and that water came right up to my pant leg. If you look in the second picture, you can see the little orphan elephant holding on to our elephant’s tail. Awww.
The handler has a bag of horse snacks, and don’t think the elephant doesn’t know it’s there all the time. Marula kept flinging his trunk over his head and pinching his prehensile nose-fingers at the handler, like, “Gimme snacks! Do it now!”
Here’s what things look like when you’re on top of an elephant.
Here’s a great shot of Cricket and me sitting there looking like Hannibal crossing the Alps. We would make excellent royals based on this photo.
This is Mishi giving the little orphan snacks from the snack bag. Awwww.
After you ride you get to feed your elephant, which might be my favorite part, because you really get to feel the way the trunk works. It’s surprisingly delicate and precise for such a large, heavy column of fleshitude.
And then we got to pet the orphan elephant! So sweet! Drea’s favorite animal is the elephant, so she very quietly had a meltdown while petting the little guy. He was covered in wiry bristles all over and I could have pet him all day forever. Here’s Drea standing next to her elephant trying not to poop herself with delight.
The other extremely cool thing we did was swim in Devil’s Pool. What’s Devil’s Pool, you ask? Well, when Victoria Falls is in full water capacity, the water pours over in a great rushing way. However, when it is the dry season, the water quantity ebbs and at the top of the falls is a pool of water, right near the edge, that you can swim in and cheat death. Here’s a diagram I made to help.
I won’t lie – I was scared. But then when I got there, I realized that in order for me to die, I would have to exert quite a bit of effort. There’s a four-foot wide rock shelf right before the edge, and I would have had to climb out of the pool, walk over that and then fling myself into the crevasse. So as long as I followed the guide’s instructions, I would be fine. First, he had us paddle out to a little rock outcropping in the middle of the river. Then, in order to avoid the current, we had to paddle in a specific line right to the Devil’s Pool because if we drifted too far to the right, we would get washed off. Here we are swimming. Mishi likes this picture because we all look like ducks.
First the guide jumped into the pool to show us how it’s done (how it’s done: jump into the middle). I want to point out that he is wearing a bathing suit bottom, he is not going commando.
And everyone jumped in…
…except me. I slithered down the rocks on my ass, because I am a hero.
It was amazing. The water was rushing over us and around us and it wasn’t cold, but it was refreshing. I could have stayed there all afternoon.
The guide pulled us up by our armpits so we could sit on the inner edge of the rock ledge.
And then he held our legs so we could look over the scary falls into the water.
Here’s a video I found of some other people’s Devil’s Pool experience. It’s pretty much identical to ours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVFsiJBSQps&NR=1
That was all the crazy risk-taking I needed for, well, for ever, really, so the next day when Cricket, Mishi and Drea went rappelling and bungee-ing and swinging in an enormous gorge, I went as support and took pictures for them. The first time Cricket jumped with the combo-bungee-swing, he didn’t scream. When he got back to the top I asked him why and he said because it wasn’t really scary (!). I told him that made me sad, so he said he would do another jump and this time he would scream his nickname for me, which is Bucket. Drea videotaped it. My favorite part is when the pendulum part begins and the harness gets right up in his giblets. You can hear the tone of his scream change dramatically.
Alright, I think that covers everything. It was a fantastic trip and I highly recommend going to Africa to anyone. If anyone has any questions or wants to see any of the other 1,000 photos that were taken, please let me know and I will happily share them with you.