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Bad Blogger Jessica, Batman Begins, and Pigeons.

Friday, January 18th, 2008

I know it’s been eons since I wrote anything, but there are a few reasons for that. One, nothing that interesting has happened recently, if you don’t count the fact that my bathroom redo-ers had to submit draftings to the City of White Plains and they may not approve my bathroom redo for a month or two, which SUCKS. Two, I’ve been working a freelance job in Manhattan at a big ad agency and I don’t get home until 8:30. Then I snork down some food, watch something on TV for fifteen minutes and fall asleep on the couch. Good times, good times. So, between the nothing-of-interest-to-share and the tired-when-I-get-home, I’ve been neglecting the ole bloggybloo. I promised pictures of my new apartment and I shall deliver. I also have some purses that I painted that I will take pictures of as well and then, THEN my friends, there will be cool things to look at.
At work when there is nothing to do I watch illegally uploaded films hosted in China. They’re not very good quality and they have Chinese subtitles at the bottom, but whatever, they’re free and I’m trying to keep myself occupied during the lulls. I’m very excited to see the new Batman movie with Heath Ledger as The Joker (he looks cah-RAZEE in the preview), so I watched the Batman movie from 2005, Batman Begins. Umm, did anyone else think that it was kinda not so good? Like stilted acting and bad plot and whatnot? If you have the opportunity to see it, go ahead and pass. It’s… well, “bad” is a strong term. It’s just not very good. Let’s all pray Crazy Joker Heath will be better. Here’s the preview for the new Batman movie:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uk1Tz5bumhw

See? Cah-RAZEE.

I’m also reading a book called Pigeons: The Fascinating Saga of the World’s Most Revered and Reviled Bird. I like books about things. I’ve read:
Salt: A World History
The Dead Beat: Lost Souls, Lucky Stiffs, and the Perverse Pleasures of Obituaries
Cod: A Biography of the Fish That Changed the World
Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadaver
A Mind of Its Own: A Cultural History of the Penis
Jewels: A Secret History
The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade

So right now, I’m reading about pigeons. I’ve learned a great deal about pigeons. I now consider myself very knowledgable on the rock dove. One thing that amuses and horrifies me is how, predictably, people decided to take genetics into their own hands and through selective breeding, made some of the weirdest-looking pigeons ever. For example, the fantail. The fantail is a nice bird, except that its chest is so big it can barely see over it. Eating has got to be a problem. Check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLMaCZ6IlgA&feature=related

Yeah. That’s the Pekinese of the pigeon world. Not good, people. Also, there’s a pigeon out there called a parlor roller. It rolls. Backwards. On the ground. No one knows why. Some people think it’s pigeon OCD. People get together and race their parlor rollers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1gXvYTu0f0

I don’t get it either. Pigeons is a very raw book, because people are very mean to pigeons and it addresses all of that. But if you’re interested in learning about them, I recommend it.

Posted in Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, Movie and Book Reviews. Possibly With Spoilers., Nature, Stuff, Teh Intarwebz | No Comments »

The Bloomsburg Fair.

Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007

I had been complaining to my co-worker A. that there were no state fairs around here where I could see livestock. He mentioned that near his hometown in Pennsylvania is the Bloomsburg Fair, and it has livestock and rides and food and a variety of other country-like activities that one does not get to experience in New York City. So on Saturday I went with Cricket and Neenernator and B. to the Bloomsburg Fair. Which is three hours away. I hope you appreciate my devotion to seeing a fair. From the moment we arrived, it was exactly what I had hoped for. You had to park pretty far away since the ENTIRE POPULATION OF PENNSYLVANIA showed up, so they had bench-things on wheels attached to tractors which would go from the parking lot to the front gate. Tractors! I was thrilled. As I entered, I had to take a picture of what greeted me.

Yes, come to the fair and get grilled bologna and onion sandwiches! Just reading the sign made me taste bologna and onion for days. Also, note the giant apple vendor selling deep-fried apple slices. The phrase “deep fried” became a critical part of the day.

This was a booth where they would tell you what your name meant and try to get some God in your life. They had this super-convoluted map on the side of their booth. The lady in the picture and I stood there and tried to figure out what the goodness gracious was going on, but we couldn’t gather heads nor tails of it. We’re somewhere between the cross and the damning hellfire all the way on the right. And then it was on to a truly righteous and godly activity, the demolition derby!
For those of you who do not understand the finer nuances of demolition derby, please allow me to clarify. You line a group of suicidal cars and their enabler drivers up, back to back.

Then there’s a countdown, and the cars slam into reverse and whump into the cars behind them. The cars continue whumping and smashing and having critical components break off and occasionally catching on fire until only two cars are able to drive and whump. They are the winners. Here are some of the finer photos.

Then it was on to the livestock. They had award-winning rabbits! And chickens! I was ecstatic.

This chicken* just stood there in the sunlight posing for me. I can truly say I have met the most photogenic chicken on earth.

This chicken fell asleep with its big chickeny butt in the air. It’s tough, the life of poultry.

This chicken was all up in my grill like a crazy paranoid chicken on Law and Order SVU. “I don’t have to let you in my apartment! I know my rights!” It also helps that this was a super-tiny psycho chicken. I was very intimidated once I stopped laughing at it.

This is a photo of the softest rabbit ever, possibly. I wanted to scoop him up and book it out of there, but having a couple thousand angry Pennsylvanians running after me waving tractor parts as I made off with their rabbit was not appealing, so this story does not end with me as the proud owner of this rabbit. However, it also doesn’t end with me in the hospital with tractor parts wedged into my orifices, so that’s good too.

There were some seriously attractive cows there. These are two of them. Bored and beautiful cows – it’s just like being back in New York! Har! Har har!

Now this picture I tastefully cropped. The cow on the right had what looked like sausage casings hanging out of her, and before I could give it a great deal of thought, Neenernator pointed out the little baby calf curled up next to her! Awww, baby cow. It’s less than twelve hours old.

Closeup of baby cow.

There were all kinds of neato fair things there, but the ice cream machine run by an 1903 John Deere engine was pretty awesome.

I took pictures of the award-winning pumpkin and the canned goods and a variety of other things, but I will spare you those pictures. There’s only so many first-prize squashes you can look at before you just HATE SQUASHES. That night we went to the tractor ‘n’ truck pull, which, I must say with all honesty, is one of the stupidest things I have ever seen. I’m not even going to explain it in detail. There’s a tractor (or truck) and then there’s a big weight, and whoever pulls the weight the farthest wins. And the winner gets to club the woman of his choice and drag her back to his cave for a good ole-fashioned Neaderthal matin’ experience, most of which she will be unconscious for. I mean, really, people – I let my butt go numb on the bleachers for this? But on the whole it was a great experience and I highly recommend it for people who live in the city all day every day. It’s definitely a break from the norm.

*Yes, I’m well-aware that that’s not a chicken, it’s a cock. I have issues with saying that. Like every time I watch a dog show with my mother and they say, “That’s a stellar bitch out there, Bob” and I get all uncomfortable because, you know, I’m watching WITH MY MOM.

Posted in Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, Stuff, Tasty 'n' Delicious | 2 Comments »

Starbucks, mezuzah and the cactus. Also, Peppy.

Monday, October 1st, 2007

1. I was at Starbucks the other day picking up a grande soy no whip hot chocolate (stop that, I don’t judge you) and you know how they hand-draw those signs on the wall? “Try a pecan walnut mocha bar with your pumpkin latte today!” Those signs. The one in the Starbucks I was at was this cool Edward Gorey ribbon with text on it. I was very impressed. I took a picture.

Go Starbucks on 52nd Street with your gothic Victorian-ness. You rock.

2. I finished the mezuzah this weekend. I also went to the Bloomsburg Fair, this mammoth fair in Pennsylvania, on Saturday and I will upload pictures soon. Back to the mezuzah. It looks awesome. I’m so very proud of myself. Check it out.

So apparently I have designed the first and only Halloween mezuzah. Spoooky mezuzah. The copper leafing turned out well and the colors are still strong. I’m a happy camper. Now on to the next project.

3. Do you remember the giant freak cactus I mentioned previously? The one where they grafted one freaky cactus to another freaky cactus and created the Megatron super-cactus? Here’s a pic to refresh your memory.

Well, I went to Home Depot this weekend to buy some Dremel parts and they had a mini version of my cactus! OMGLOLBBQ! The major setback in purchasing the giant cactus was that it was $150, and I don’t care how awesome a plant is, I’m not paying over a hundred bucks for it. So I got my wee 6-inch cactus, and I will love it and pet it until it gets big and that will be fine. Here are pics of my new bestest cactus friend (along with a pony tail palm tree that I also had to have).

4. Occasionally I will pass a newsstand and an old man will be there. Accompanying this old man is an equally old dog named Peppy. Peppy was once at some time peppy, but now he is sendentary. And sweet. I always pet him and make cooing noises at him, probably that he doesn’t hear because he’s deaf. I finally walked by when he was there and I got a picture of him. Enjoy this moment with Peppy the (no-longer-accurately-named) Pomeranian. And do not fail to notice the incredibly screwed-up teeth on his lower jaw. This dog needs braces, yo.

Posted in Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, My Art/Design/Business, New York, Stuff, Tasty 'n' Delicious | 1 Comment »

Party with beasties.

Wednesday, September 19th, 2007

Snorth turned thirty almost two years ago and she was supposed to have a party, but her grandfather passed away shortly before and all plans for festivities were scrapped. I turned thirty in July and I thought let’s do a joint belated 30th birthday thing. We both love nature and animals, we’ll have a party at this exotic animal rescue and education place, Outragehisss Pets. (It was also only a few minutes from Snorth’s house.) I invited all my suburban friends, especially the ones with kids, and Snorth invited a bunch of people and sho’ nuff we trundled off to Outragehisss Pets. It was AWESOME. We met a plethora of fascinating animals and we could touch them and the owner who is a lovely guy lectured us on the environment of each creature and what they eat and how they mate, etc. Most educational. I have pictures of the educational awesomeness. I will go in alphabetical order.

The two armadillos. The one on the left is a nine-banded armadillo native to Texas and the one on the right is a six-banded armadillo native to parts of South America. This was funny – armadillos store fat on their undersides and apparently the six-banded armadillo got really portly-like, so they put her on a diet. However, the skin on her underside didn’t retract, so when she walked around the skin under her body swung around. It looked like the upper arm of a 90-year-old woman. I called her “gastric bypass armadillo”. Here’s a pic where you can appreciate her.

The binturong. A binturong is a 40-pound mammal that lives in Indonesia. It looks like it’s had one too many nights out on the town drinking. And it has the strongest body funk I have ever smelled. Here’s the weird part: it smells like popcorn. So as body funks go, it’s not a bad one. While he was explaining everything about the binturong, it ate five bananas. I can’t eat five bananas, and I’m WAY more than forty pounds. Nice work, binturong. Her name is Maxine.

The best thing about Maxine was that she would bite off a big chunk of banana and it was too large for her mouth, so she would attempt to chew it, but her mouth couldn’t close. It was precious. Here is a picture of Maxine attempting to chew a banana chunk.

Now, cornsnakes. Snorth’s most favoritest color is orange, so I picked a snake (I was in charge of choosing the animals we met) with lots of orange on it. It was gorgeous. The owner brought it out with an albino version as well. You can see the beautiful checkerboard pattern on its underside.

The fennec. This is the reason I picked this place. I have always always always wanted to meet a fennec. It is a fox from the Sahara, the smallest member of the canine family (two pounds!). It disperses heat with its ears, so it’s ears are huge. It is the sweetest softest most-anime-character-resembling creature ever.

Kinkajou, also known as the honey bear. It’s in the raccoon family and it helps pollenate the rainforest (eats nectar, sticks its nose in a flower, gets pollen on its nose, sticks nose in another flower, deposits pollen). Paris Hilton had one for a pet for a few minutes back in the day. It’s got lovely plush fur and a prehensile tail it can use to hang in trees. I think our raccoons are nice, but kinkajous are just stellar. I would let it root through my garbage anytime.

Ah, the python. BIG snake. I got to hold part of it with six other people. Let me tell you, that snake was strong. When she wanted to move, she moved. Ain’t nothin’ we could do about it. Imagine a giant toned muscle tube. That’s what she was.

And finally, the tortoises. (There was also a skink, but I didn’t get any good pictures of it.) Bertha was the biggest tortoise, the next smaller one was her husband, and the two smallest ones were her kids from different egg-layings. Bertha was approximately eighty years old. That’s just impressive. All the tortoises also ate bananas, as you can see in the picture. They were great. Occasionally, Bertha would try and make a run for it, but since she moves at the speed of glaciers, she didn’t get very far.

And here is a picture of octegenarian Bertha.

After this incredible experience, our troop of sixteen went off to the Palisades Mall for dinner. When I got home, I was exhausted. I had been frolicking for over six hours. That’s a lot of frolicking. But it was worth it. People are already talking about doing it again next year.

Posted in Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, Nature, Stuff | No Comments »

Remember obese sidewalk chihuahua?

Tuesday, September 11th, 2007

I saw her again. Same spot, laying in the same way. I talked to her owner for a little while and got some background goodness on her. She’s not old at all, just fat. She has a glandular condition. She was a stray that this lady found. She’s a super-nice dog. However, her belly sometimes drags on the ground and in doing that she picked up a piece of glass in her poochy belly and had to have surgery to have it removed. (Awwww. Poor beastie.) So you’ll notice that in one of these pictures, she has a bandage on her abdomen. But I got to pet her and she was a sweet dog. I wish her best of luck in her recovery.

Posted in Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, New York | No Comments »

Two New York Experiences and a VH1 moment.

Tuesday, July 24th, 2007

1. I was walking down the street the other day after a rainstorm and it was hot and muggy and oppressive. I saw a white lump sitting in the middle of the sidewalk, like a pile of pizza dough someone had just left there, and people were stepping over it and around it. As I got closer, I realized it was an ancient obese chihuahua that had had quite enough of this hotness, thank you very much, I’ll just lay here on the sidewalk which is wet and therefore cooler and let everyone walk around me. We offer expert sidewalk lifting and leveling for safer walkways today. For quality workmanship and reliable service, trust an experienced concreter adelaide to get the job done right. The owner was sort of trying to get the dog to move (although I think saying, “C’mon, fat ass! Get up!” is not going to have the desired effect, and did I mention the owner was a seventy-year-old woman? Old people using bad language is funny) but the dog wasn’t having none of it, so I took a picture when the flow of people ebbed somewhat and I could get a clear picture.

2. I see many flower shops in my travels around the Isle of Manhattan. However, this other day, I was stopped dead in my tracks by a cactus. No, no, my friends, this was no ordinary cactus. It was a MUTANT HYBRID ALIEN FREAK CACTUS. I asked the flower-shop lady about it. They took one kind of weird-looking cactus and grafted another even weirder-looking cactus to the top of it, so now they are one incredibly-odd looking plant. It was $150, so I didn’t buy it, but I did take pictures of it. Imagine it being as big around and as tall as an average adult’s calf. Big. And weird. Super-weird.

3. I watch a great deal of television (I like it as background for when I’m painting or beading) and I saw a smidgen of “Rock of Love” on VH1 the other day. Short description: Aging rock star looks for skanky woman to love forever out of a pool of about twenty vapid atrocities to choose from. I was okay with this, until Bret Michaels (the aging rock star) was meeting the women for the first time and said, slowly and seriously to the camera:

The heaving, well-implanted breasts caught my eye immediately, and I knew that we were going to have a strong spiritual relationship.

My head jerked up from beading and my jaw fell open. He wasn’t kidding. It was… moronic. And kinda awful. The fake giant silicone makes you… spiritual? Ooh, you’re a deep fella there, aren’t cha? I think I will not watch this show anymore. I do not wish to become enraged and fling a shoe at my beloved television. I see that becoming my future if I watch. So no more watching.

Posted in Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, Nature, New York, Stuff, The Telly | 1 Comment »

Planet Earth on the BBC.

Monday, July 9th, 2007

Has anyone been watching Planet Earth? Discovery was showing it every fifteen minutes there for a while, and then Animal Planet started showing it. It’s a multi-part series filmed by the BBC and I just bought it for my parents at Costco. I watched some of it on Animal Planet, and it was narrated by Sigourney Weaver, and that was nice, whatever. But on the DVD, it’s narrated by Sir David Attenborough, and WELL, that’s a totally different cup of tea, now ain’t it? Not only does everything sound like Shakespeare, but he talks about glaciers and he pronounces it “glass ears”. What really got me hooked was I was out to dinner with my friend M. and M. said, “Have you seen the bird that has plenty of food and no enemies? Do you know what he does all day? He cleans up the forest floor…and then he dances. FOR NOBODY.” And sure enough, yes, he does.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P85LoHftEKs

I think my favorite part is when he wipes down the branches with a leaf, because, you know, those jungles get so DUSTY. And then he shakes the leaf off a plant and takes the leaf away. Damn leaves! In the jungle! And seriously, the dances the birds of paradise do, I can understand why the female is like, “No, I have to wash my drab plumage tonight. I’m busy.” The males, they try so hard. “Look at my feathery goodness!” They scream at the female. “Do not avoid the feathery goodness! It is iridescent and I look like a Las Vegas showgirl and I am hopping around like I have a thumbtack in my keister! Ahhhhhh!” I too would be a little overwhelmed.

Posted in Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, Nature | No Comments »

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