Archive for the ‘New York’ Category

Costa Rica 2013, Part 3.

Thursday, April 18th, 2013

Before we get to the anymules, I want to talk about orchids. I love orchids, I really do. There are so many different kinds. Every year there’s an orchid show at the Botanical Gardens here in NYC and it is mind-blowing. Here’s my post on it from about a year ago. And in Costa Rica they just grow wild! No cultivation required! So envious. They’re similar to bromeliads, which are plants that don’t need dirt to flourish. The orchids just wrap their root-tentacles around whatever’s nearby. I took pictures of several I came across.

Now before I left, I took my The Wildlife of Costa Rica: A Field Guide and I ended up reading it from cover to cover. I’m glad I did because I now know many things, things like the Mexican Burrowing Toad’s advertisement call is a bellowing uuwwaaaa, likened to the sound of a person vomiting, which is how they earned their common name “sapo borracho” (drunken toad”), or the Oilbird is the world’s only nocturnal avian frugivore (congratulations to you, Oilbird!).

So, on one of my first days there, The Moomins and I went to a refuge where indigenous animals that had been recovered from smuggling operations and were deemed unreleasable were kept. Our guide took tours through this refuge fairly frequently, so the animals were familiar with him. For example, he walked past an enormous avian cage and a Caracaca, which is a scary carrion-eating bird, flew down immediately and waited for head-skritchins. It was adorable.

We saw Scarlet Macaws being all parrot-y, squawkin’ and squabblin’ and flappin’ around.

And there were two Two-Fingered Sloths. They were sleeping. Because sloths.

But those weren’t the most amazing things there. The two things that were magical for me was the butterfly atrium and the hummingbird garden. Holy pumpkin-seeds, people. First, the butterfly atrium. Big, airy building filled with plants the butterflies enjoy.

There were two types of butterflies that were especially prevalent, the Blue Morpho and the Banded Owl Butterfly. However, there were other ones flittering around as well.

There were SO MANY. Here’s one of the fruit stations.

Seriously. Butterflies on all the surfaces.

One even landed on The Moomins and kept her company for the entire time.

They had plants that had butterfly eggs and caterpillars all over them. The eggs were beautiful, the caterpillars were beautiful – every aspect of the life-cycle of the butterfly is visually appealing in some way, it seems.

In the corner, staff had hung up all the chrysalises and there was a newly emerged guy with curled-up wings.

The only thing in the butterfly atrium that bugged me a little was this freaky plant that looked like a portal to an abyss. It was huge and veined and it had a dark pit in the center. It looked… menacing.

The other life-altering thing was the hummingbird garden. A little way outside was a small garden with five or six hummingbird feeders in them and a few small trees. Those trees were PACKED with hummingbirds.

It was pouring down rain and I could not have cared less. I stood there in the rain, water dripping off my nose, staring at all these teeny birds whizzing past my head. They make a cool noise when they go by, like a frrrrrrrmmm sound. It’s absolutely delightful. Here’s some video that I took.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER8JOUdfrxg

They were mostly green hummingbirds with white eyefeathers that makes them look very alert.

There was a smaller, more colorful fellow who kept zipping in and out with a stunning aqua-colored head. I could not get a picture of his awesome aqua hat while he was sitting at the feeder, but I managed to get a vague shot of it as he zipped away. In the second picture, that turquoise smudge, that’s his cool head color. Don’t yell at me, I’m doing my best here people, hummingbirds are fast.

There was a bigger violet one.

And there was a teeny tiny little black one. He could have fit right in my palm.

I got an amazing shot from the back. He looks like a little jewel.

I really could have stood there in the rain all day. It was absolute bliss. I am now sorely tempted to get that strange hat with a mask and hummingbird feeder built in, so hummingbirds drink right in front of you. This one.

Tomorrow, frogs!

Nick Cave. No, not that one.

Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013

I was familiar with Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds band because many people in my college were visual arts students and had the posters on their walls. I didn’t listen to NC and the BS because they sounded slow and gloomypants and I was not down with that. I was obsessively listening to this and this and hoo boy, lots of this (NSFW). That was the only Nick Cave I knew. Recently I was made aware of another Nick Cave who makes something called Sound Suits. I think they’re great. They are big body-covering art pieces that drastically alter the outline of one’s body. And often they make a noise when one moves, hence the name. Here are some samples.

How awesome are those? (Correct answer: super-awesome.) Then I found out he was bringing some of his pieces to Grand Central and I was like, “Oh goody, I go through there every day! How convenient!” He brought a troupe of horses covered in fake straw that sat on wooden stands for most of the day and looked like this:

And twice a day, dancers from the Alvin Ailey school came, put the horse-suits on and danced around the hall. I had to work every time they came ’round, but lots of people took video, so I got the basic idea.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXonnyNg4QA

You can see that for part of the dancing, the back end and the front end of the horse come apart and dance separately. I hope a museum in New York does an exhibition of a lot of Nick Cave’s work so I can see all his major pieces at once. That would be something I would love to go to.

Spam, Subway and Fennec.

Thursday, March 28th, 2013

First of all, I realized that I talk about a variety of topics here, and how I came to that realization was when I received a piece of spam and had to read all the way to the bottom to figure that it was indeed spam.

Doesn’t that look like something someone would write to me? I immediately assumed, oh, someone is writing to me about mucus, that’s makes complete sense. I’m not sure if that’s sad or awesome. I really don’t care deeply one way or the other. Moving on.

I once saw a video that I totally cannot find now that taught me something I did not know concerning the NYC subway. If you look carefully, you will notice a zebra-striped sign near the ceiling in every subway station. They look like this:

Now, the conductor of the train sits in the center of the train, and when he sees that sign he knows to stop because he is fully in the station and when the doors open everyone will have a platform to step out onto. AND, in order to prove that he saw it, he must point to it. Every time. Lower the wee window, stick his hand out and point. Sure enough, I was standing under the sign today when the train pulled up. The conductor lowered the window, pointed to the sign, and then put his window back up. It was like spotting a celebrity for me. “Holy crap, Pointy Finger! That’s so awesome!” And, not surprisingly, the people around me could not fathom why I was so psyched, which is the story of my life. You should make a point (see what I did there??) to try to stand under the zebra sign the next time you are in a NY subway and experience the magic for yourself.

Addendum – 10/29/13: Look what I saw today! An article on the stripey boards! http://gothamist.com/2013/10/30/feel_good_video_straphangers_make_s.php

My friend JR is expecting a little boy shortly and he asked me to paint a mural in the kid’s room in the style of Charley Harper. Charley Harper was an illustrator who was well-known for his clean geometric blocks of color style. His main subject was wildlife. Very mid-century. Jonathan Adler was clearly inspired by Harper. It’s a little bit difficult for me to work with because it is so opposite from the ornate, overly flowery style I tend to favor, but I love the challenge. I have to take all the elements they requested (birch trees, fox, rabbit, woodpecker, etc.) and try to reduce them down to their basic shapes with only essential details to convey what they are. I still need to add a squirrel, but otherwise it’s almost done.

In the process of doing research for this, I came across someone else’s Charley-Harper-style work. It’s a fennec done by an illustrator named Lauren Taylor and I think it’s lovely.

Addendum: This, my friend, this is some creative Banksy-type stuff. The people who both ride and work on the London Subway System have a good sense of humor. I think we’re far too litigious here in the U.S. to get away with some of those. Another point for London.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/signs-that-your-train-station-is-mocking-you

I made a thing and bad makeup choices.

Thursday, March 14th, 2013

1. I made a thing! Nessa went home to her mom in California and wanted an iPod case with a mirror on it so her mom can touch up her lipstick on the go, similar to these:

Conveniently we work in the crafty-beady district of Manhattan, so it wasn’t too difficult to procure all the needed ingredients. Nessa’s mom likes the color red and belly-dancing and therefore we decided to go with a Persian rug look. I glued a whole myriad of plastic-y hoohah and Swarovski crystals all over the back of a chestnut brown case and it turned out pretty great. So, you know, hooray for me.

2. I was walking through Times Square two days ago and there is an enormous ad for Viva Glam by M•A•C Cosmetics. Viva Glam is wonderful and all the money goes to help people with AIDS, and usually their ads are fantastic. But this one, wooo. Nicki looks not good.

It sounds like someone missed the mark on this look! Instead of highlighting her features in a flattering way, the makeup and angles did the opposite. This is why working with top cosmetic manufacturers is essential—they have the expertise to create makeup products that enhance natural beauty, ensuring a polished and balanced result every time. Even with challenges like a long nose or uneven lashes, the right products and techniques can make a world of difference. Take a look at this other photo where her makeup is spot-on—it shows just how much impact the right approach can have.

Now, what she’s advertising is that particular shade of lipstick that she’s wearing. I went on the internet and checked it out. After my copious research, I do not recommend it. On some people, it looks okay. On most everyone else, it does not do them any favors at all.

Kelly Rowland, pretty nice:

Random other chicks, failure:

This one chick, awesome, but she mixed it with other colors so it doesn’t count:

Do you know what I think? I think this is going to be one of those fashion trends that people follow for a season, and then when they have children fifteen, twenty years down the line, the children find photos of of their mothers wearing this lipstick and call them out on it, and the mothers blush embarrassedly and say, “Well, it was the fashion then!” An example:

Not an acceptable answer, ladies. Don’t be a sheep. If something looks like poo, don’t wear it even if it is “in” this year. Poo is poo. Here, I’ll let Oscar Wilde explain it to you.

Christmas windows 2012.

Sunday, December 30th, 2012

I haven’t gone to see the windows in a long time, so the other day I walked past all the stores I normally look forward to at this time of year. It did not start well. Lord and Taylor, lame. Macy’s, lame. Saks didn’t even try, which was shocking. I was hoping they would bring back the happy happy snowflakes, but they just had creepy animatronic dolls and one of those mapped light shows on the exterior of the building which screws up foot traffic royally. Meh. Thankfully, I did not allow this to get me down and I kept walking up Fifth Avenue towards Central Park. Then there were really cool holiday decor all over! And everything was better. Thank you, Predominantly Luxury Jewelry Shops, for making my holiday merry and bright.

First I passed Henri Bendel’s, where there was an insane giant dangly-tinsel tree sculpture. They have really high ceilings and they used it to their advantage. It was impressive.

Shortly after that was Fendi. Now, Cartier is famous for wrapping their building with Christmas lights like one of their red boxes. They do that every year. It’s a staple.

A lot of the other stores have followed suit. Fendi wrapped their building in belt buckles and drippy icicles, which is a weakness of mine.

Harry Winston had enormous plastic jewels made and lit them from the inside so it looked like diamond clusters over the windows.

But Bulgari was my favorite. They took one of their designs, the Art Deco snake necklace, made it really big and draped it over the building. It twinkled periodically and I damn near walked into traffic to truly appreciate it.

The one store with killer windows this year was Bergdorf Goodman. They had a 1920s theme which made me way happy because OMG SPARKLY. There was rhinestones and sequins on all the surfaces. I think maybe in a past life I was a parakeet, because gosh darnit if light reflects offa something, I gotta stare at it. But before we get to the sparkle-windows, I want to cover the two smaller windows to the side. I had a nice moment when I saw one of the dresses featured in the side windows. I realized, and this almost never happens, that I could make this dress. The whole thing was within my skill set. Now, I would not make this dress because it is kind of fugly, but still, it’s a good feeling to know you could if you had to. Like you were taken to a Hollywood awards show at gunpoint. The dress was made of felt (why? so itchy) and it had beaded beads all over the front. Right in my wheelhouse.

In the other side window was a woman in full evening dress, sitting with a man in full evening dress, except his head wasn’t a man-head, it was a walrus-head. It was a really well-done walrus-head too. Whoever crafted that did a great job. If I ever need to make a walrus-head for a costume or something (and you totally know it could happen) I will refer to these pictures for reference.

The first of the main windows was jazz-themed. Rather cleverly, they skewed the perspective by mounting the mannequins and their instruments on the wall to make it appear as the floor. Really nice.

The next window had a white theme. They used taxidermied white peacocks and loads of ostrich feathers. It was quite lush.

Then there was the window with mirrors. The ones in the middle rotated slowly in opposite directions. Shocker! I stood in front of this one, mouth agape, for a about three minutes. “Spinny… mirrors… must look… away…”

Around the corner in the small windows was a magic show setup which was all fine and dandy, but what I loved was the female mannequin was wearing a cape adorned with sequins and beads depicting what I guess is Apollo crossing the sky. Can we bring back capes please? I feel the need to flounce through Midtown and you need to rock a cape for maximum flouncing. Mercedes Fashion Week, get on that.

In the final window they had a ballroom dancing theme. The mirrorball was really creative. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that you can cover any shape with mirrors and it will become a mirrorball. I don’t know when, but I will use this design style someday in the future. As God is my witness, I will make an oddly shaped thing reflective, I swear it! *raises fist to the sky*

Now, to complete my idea of an exciting holiday break, I will lay in bed, avoid cleaning my apartment and watch the “Modern Marvels” episode on beans I have on my DVR. Happy holidays to you and yours.

Santacon 2012.

Wednesday, December 19th, 2012

Since I don’t appreciate bar culture and didn’t start drinking until I was in my late twenties, I’ve never participated in any kind of alcohol-related festivity, like St. Patrick’s Day for example. However, my co-worker Nessa told me she was going to Santacon and I should join her. I figured, hey, I would have friends around me as a human shield to protect me from the inebriated masses and I could dress up like an idiot, so I decided to participate.

I wanted to look slutty (not sexy, like a sexy elf or sexy reindeer, slutty, there’s a difference), but it’s cold out, so I decided to clearly delineate precisely where my primary and secondary sexual organs are via the use of brightly colored fabric. I bought a red shirt and used green glitter glue to stick sequins in heart shapes over my bosomy parts. Then, I took a sparkly Santa hat, cut it apart, and made myself a loincloth of sorts with felty green poofs stuck on it. This way, I was still trashy while still wearing leggings, pants and a sweater. I called myself The Christmas Flasher. Please to also notice the “hot holiday mess” makeup and the antler headband.

We had a lovely brunch in Astoria and then got on the train to Midtown. Nessa had bought a pair of fairy wings that I painted in festive red and green, so she was a jaunty fairy elf.

When we got to Manhattan, there was a million billion Santas everywhere. On the corners, in the buildings, everywhere.

Most of them were wearing basic Santa costumes, but some people got very creative.

This man was dressed as a Squid Santa. I was super-excited about that. Him, less so.

There was a Santa that was 7’1″. He was an easy guy to find.

This is a nice picture, but the photobomb behind it makes it even better.

Nessa took this in an attempt to have street cred.

While I had a nice time all day, it was not my ideal social event. I don’t really appreciate standing around for five hours slowly sipping various alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages. I danced for a while, but other than that, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Luckily, as the other Santas got more and more bombed, they provided me with entertainment. I got to see something I had only heard about as lore. Two young men who were relatively short and therefore compensated by working out too much, attempting to fight but, being challenged by all kinds of gravity, looked like they were slow-dancing to oddly tempo-ed music. And the entire time both of them are slurring, “I love you, man!” “No, I love you, man!” I snapped one photo of them as their equally loaded friend tried to break them up.

Now that I have had this experience, I don’t really feel the need to go again, but if I would be going to super-cool dancing facilities or something next Santacon, I would make myself a big red cape festooned with holiday goodness that I could wear over my clothes and not be cold. Consider that as an option if you go.

Additional niblet: I was outside a Broadway theater when Dan Stevens came out! Teh Hottnezz from Downton Abbey! I posed with him for a photo and promptly stabbed him in the face with my antlers. Luckily he wasn’t mad and I took a photo with him without my antlers robbing him of one of his greatest assets.

My big foray into sports.

Monday, December 17th, 2012

About a month and a half ago, I was hangin’ at the office, doing what I do, photoshopping out people’s under-eye bags and acne scars for documents we send to clients, and my boss contacted me and told me we were pitching something related to the NFL. The New England Patriots, to be specific. For those who are big fans of this team, they may be available for betting on pages like WSM Casino. Online casinos also offer a wide variety of slot games. There are various slot gacor games offering exciting rewards and thrilling gameplay that sports fans can enjoy. Check out mpo888 for exciting rewards and prizes!

Afterwards, he asked me if I was available to go to Foxboro, Massachusetts and photograph the Patriots at their stadium that weekend. I said, “Is there no one here who knows anything, literally, anything about football who can go, because I will get confused and take pictures in the bathroom the whole time?” But he said no, he wanted me. He asked me if I wanted anyone to go with me, and I said no because I cannot think of any friend of mine that would leap at an opportunity to drive with me for seven hours to go and sit in a cold stadium for five hours filled with tipsy sporting folk. Not a one. So on Sunday morning, I woke up before the sun came up (grrr), got in my car, and took I-95 to Foxboro. Where I then encountered stadium traffic.

Hey, fun fact I would have appreciated knowing beforehand: parking is $40.00 cash. I did not have $40.00 in cash on me when I arrived. Thus began my mad dash around to find an ATM, which eventually I did, and luckily I found a nearby spot so I could sprint into the stadium and catch the team doing stretches and drills (my boss specifically asked for photos of that). Here’s the stadium from my parking spot.

Before I got to the parking area, I took some photos of tailgaters. I was extremely concerned for my safety. My boss kept calmly saying things like, “Just let me know if you get arrested, we have money set aside for your bail and we’ll send someone up there to get you out.” I was like, what, are you sending me into Kabul, what the hell? And people were informing me that the Patriots fans are… enthusiastic, and when that enthusiasm is combined with beer, things happen. So when I was taking shots of the tailgaters, I was seriously worried that they would whip a battery at me or something. I have never been in a fight so I don’t know correct fighting protocol and would probably screw it up. Luckily, nothing happened. Everyone was perfectly nice.

I learned a lot that day. Did you know there’s a whole social event going on underneath the seating area? There’s stores and bars and sometimes mascots, all kinds of things. It’s extremely well-laid-out.

I asked a nice man where my seat was, and he pointed to a giant walkway.

I took that all the way up for forever and ever. My seat, had it been one row further back, would have been outside the stadium. Nosebleed indeed.

As I was walking up, I was taking pictures of every branded bit of whatever could find. And then I was stopped by security guards and had to explain my lamey-lame reason (“Ummm, we’re pitching a client, and we need pictures of NFL players, specifically this team, sooooo here I am”).If you would like to like to bet on sports games or play various online casino slots, you may use this joker123 login. Those who are planning to try other sports like archery, look for a shop that offers high quality equipment and gear like a bow string.

Before the game, I was told to take pictures of The New England Patriots warming up. The New England Patriots, got it? Here’s the problem – the Buffalo Bills were wearing blue and white, while the New England Patriots were wearing white and blue. The outcome: I took pictures of the wrong team for a good fifteen minutes.

When I got back, my co-workers scoffed at me and said why didn’t I look at the logos on their helmets? First of all, I was sitting a million frikkin’ miles away. Two, I didn’t know what their logos were, and from a distance they kind of looked like this:

Really similar, even if I did know what I was looking at (I watch a great deal of nature programs, so I would like to think had I been closer I would have figured out the bison is a bison and then used the process of elimination). Once I figured out which team I was supposed to be photographing, it was about time for them to go back into their tunnels to get ready to make their entrance. I ran down two or three levels in order to position myself.

My boss asked for both video and photo of the Patriots coming out, so I assumed that there would be some kind of build-up, like at ice hockey game so I could get my gear in order. Here’s an example.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HvIbJ0v_c4

Nope. Music started (“Crazy Train” by Ozzy) and they just ran out. I said something along the lines of “Holy crap!!” and snapped as many pictures as I could. I got a decent one that has the mascot in it too.

I noticed a giant coiled-up object in the corner and I could not for the life of me figure out what it was.

Since this was Veteran’s Day, this object was carried out by all manner of military members, and eventually I figured out that it was an enormous American flag. It took them a really long time to get it all the way out.

It looked great when it was all unfolded. I may have gotten some patriotic dust in my eye during the national anthem.

The man next to me could tell I was an out-of-touch tourist, so he informed me that following the national anthem, there would be “a fly-ovah”. And there was, the dumpiest plane I have ever seen. I’ve never seen a plane with a gut before.

After that there was the coin toss and during that I scuttled back up to my seat to take pictures of the scoreboard:

And the stadium in its entirety:

And fans reacting happily to various outcomes.

I liked some of the fan gear. These two people in particular.

I think my primary expression was, “Oh, I guess something just happened.” Here’s a problem that needs a resolution: In one endzone, it says Patriots. And in the other endzone, it says Patriots. You think maybe you can put Visitor in the other endzone so I know who’s scoring the touchdown kthx? In addition, there are Paul-Revere-looking guys standing near the endzones, I believe they are called Minutemen, and when something happens they fire muskets. No one told me there would be muskets firing. Those guns went BLAMBLAM-BLAM-BLAMBLAM and I immediately thought, “Now I’m going to die because Bane from The Dark Knight just took over the stadium and I am slow and therefore will be crushed by the panicked stampede of people attempting to get out,” but no one else reacted, so I looked around like, “No one else? No one’s leaving? O… kay, I guess it’s…. a football thing, then.”

The cheerleaders were fun. They did three costume changes. In the beginning, I suppose because it was Veteran’s Day, they came out in “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B” outfits.

They clumped up at one point and I couldn’t figure out what they were doing.

Then I looked at the screen. How delightful! Nice work, ladies.

After that they switched to typical-looking cheerleader outfits. I found myself clapping for their abs.

And finally, they came out in velour tracksuits.

They were excellent and I loved that their primary dance move was a hair flip. I’m not criticizing, they were amazing at it. Here’s some footage of them doing some of that, starting at 5:04:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3zEEAX1XME

Now I have been to an NFL game. I can cross that off my bucket list of things that were not on my bucket list.

A panoply of things.

Wednesday, December 12th, 2012

1. Nessa, my co-worker, had a party for Halloween. It was the one and only time I got to wear my Ocean Reef costume. Normally, I would have worn it to the company Halloween party, but that was cancelled due to Sandy and her holiday-ruining rain. So here is a picture of me in my costume in Nessa’s apartment, complete with masquerade ball masks available at Abracadabra NYC.

Nessa went as She-Ra, but she couldn’t find an appropriate sword. She bought some kind of Marauding-Horde-of-the-Rings sword, but it totally didn’t work for She-Ra. It looked like this:

Totally wrong. I took it home, cut off all the points on the sides of the blade as well as the handlebar bits, and tried to shape it more like a diamond. Then I sawed slits in the sides, shoved Bristol board in there and wrapped it in wire to hold it all together.

The next day, I paper-mached over all that goodnees.

And the day after that, I painted it silver with black accents and glued two giant resin turquoise blobs on either side. Perfect? Far from it. But it totally did the job.

She looked great. Some might attribute that to good genes or the fact that she works out all the time, but I say it’s the sword that I modified.

2. I saw this while walking through Koreatown. I… I don’t think that’s how you want to phrase that.

“Enjoy your black time!”

3. So, every day I walk past a sign for a necklace that is supposed to be an artistic interpretation of a teddy bear. However, whenever I look at it, all I can think about is Coco’s shoulders, torso and rump. Are you familiar with Coco, Ice-T’s wife? She is a cartoon character of a human being. See for yourself. NSFW in most places, like Earth.

http://www.cocosworld.com/new/

Here is the picture of the advert for the necklace.

And here’s what I see every time I look at it.

4. I love this. I want a flabby mirrorball. In related news, if I were to become a burlesque performer, “Flabby Mirrorball” isn’t the worst name I could pick.

5. Today in Grand Central Terminal a news team was doing a piece on a sniffy dog. I played tourist and took a bunch of pictures. I liked the dog’s expression. “I can smell all kinds of stuff! Do you want me to smell something right now? Because I could.”

Fun bits.

Friday, November 9th, 2012

1. Alcoholic spirits are called that because when they distill them, the alcohol (“spirit”) is separated from the fermented base (“body”). When you drink liquor, you are drinking the ghost of potatoes or wheat or corn. Incidentally, “Potato Ghost” would be a cool name for a vodka. Thank you, Modern Marvels.

2. I went to go vote in my district for the first time even though I have lived in White Plains for six years. The last time I voted in my old district. I found out I needed to go to a church down the street from from my apartment. Lovely church. Built in 1923. Everything was going great until I saw their sign.

Does everyone see that?

What’s… what’s with the itty-bitty “h”?! There’s a full-size “h” four letters before! I’m really glad I don’t see that every day because that would really chap my rump. Stupid tiny “h”.

3. It’s really great that I am not a thin fashionable woman because I would spend all my monies on clothes. For example, these sequined pants. Sequins in cool stripes on a nude background. They are SHNAZZY. If I wore them I would feel like I had the backdrop to “Solid Gold” wrapped around my legs.

The Epic Trek.

Friday, November 2nd, 2012

Oh hey everyone, did y’all notice that storm that blew through here? Sandy, I think they called it? Wasn’t that just a blasty-blast? I am considering moving to the Australian outback and living in a hole in the ground where it is nice and dry and never rains. They do that in the Outback, you know. When I was in high school I saw “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert” and there’s a mining town where it’s really warm and people pop up like moles at night from their cool subterranean dwellings to drink beer and loiter. I bet they don’t wake up in the morning to branches everywhere and bleeping disconnected phones and news footage of an entire roller coaster sitting in the ocean.

So here’s my saga: I was sitting in bed eating (because what else are you going to do right after a hurricane that is also a tornado/flash flood/biblical plague?) on Tuesday evening when I got a text from my boss. “How R U”, it said. I, unwisely, said I was fine and I had electricity and internet and phones. He said, “Please contact M. and find out if you can help on this pitch” so I texted my co-worker M. and D. got involved and then all of a sudden C. and B. were contacting me asking me if I could help with this pitch, but I didn’t have a laptop so all my files and fonts were at work. We all agreed that it was a dick move that the potential client wouldn’t change their meeting from Friday to a later date because, you know, the East Coast is so very damp right now, but they wouldn’t and people were flipping out. It became abundantly clear that I needed to go into work on Wednesday, where we had electricity and phones but no internet. There were no trains, no subways, tree branches everywhere, wires down, bridges closed, etc. I called my co-worker Nessa who lives in Queens and asked if I could stay with her, and then I called my dad and had him drive me to Queens. Nessa was thoroughly delightful and showed rom-coms to me. I saw “How To Lose A Man In 10 Days” and I’m ashamed to say that I liked it. Who knew Kate Hudson was funny? Anyway, I asked how we would get into the city and she said, “Oh, we can walk over the Queensboro Bridge. It’ll only take 45 minutes.” I found out later that this was a LIE.

We woke up at 10:00 a.m. Wednesday and started walking with the rest of Astoria and Long Island City. It looked like a mass exodus from an abandoned nuclear wasteland to the one town with a functioning Wal-Mart that has three cans of beans still untainted by radiation.

We walked and walked and finally got to the Queenboro Bridge which was awash with a-hole bicyclists. Yes, I understand that you cycle to work every day, Mr. Bike-Man, but there’s a ton more people on your bike path today, so you think you could stop fring-fringing and yelling at everyone and just walk your bike across the bridge like a civilized member of society? Maybe?

At one point an ancient crusty man who looked like a sailor from a crab boat hollered in Nessa’s ear, “ON YOUR RRRRRIGHT!!!” in a thick Scottish accent and Nessa just snapped. “I WILL PUSH YOU OFF YOUR BIKE, SIR.” Once we got to the Manhattan side and sauntered down Park Avenue we saw a Rottweiler dressed as a skunk (it was Halloween, remember) take a giant mushy dump in front of an apartment building and the owner, a tall slim blonde woman on her phone, made absolutely no attempt to pick it up which caused the doorman in front of the building to chastise her and she ignored him because poop-scooping was beneath her, the entitled snotbag. The whole interaction reminded me how much I hate everyone (except for the skunk-weiler, he seemed to be free of fault). Finally, after walking for 5.3 miles, we got to work and about twenty minutes after I got there I got a phone call that the meeting had been postponed for two weeks. All this for nothing. I grumpily pottered around on my computer organizing files and whatnot, and about three hours later Nessa and I decided, ah, the hell with it, let’s go home. Maybe we can get on a bus. And then we saw the lines for the buses.

Yeah, no bus for us. Since the sun was getting low in the sky and it was chilly and windy, and because I figured I would be walking for another hour-and-a-half, I put on my extremely warm and extremely stupid-looking American Eagle bonnet with knitted horns on it that I kept at my office to startle interns.

As Nessa and I were trudging over to the East Side we tried to cab it for a little while, but that didn’t go too great. Our driver tried to rip us off twice and we were getting car-sick from the stop and go and stop and go and rinse and repeat. So we walked onward. And encountered The Barrier.

I think it’s there to keep bicyclists and walkers from wandering right out into the street. We had a choice: we could walk aaaaaaaaall the way down the block, around The Barrier and aaaaaaaaaall the way back, or we could just climb over this thing like everyone else. I was all for the walking option, but Nessa is sporty and had no problem hopping over this. So I decided to make a go of it. And a horrible-looking go it was. I am many things, but athletic is not one of them. I get winded taking the elevator. In between laughing at me, Nessa took pictures.

Nessa promised that we could have these really good milkshakes at a local joint as soon as we got to Astoria. I felt bad for that bartender. We dragged our sorry tired selves into this nice establishment and the bartender asked us what we want, assuming that we were adults and would want adult beverages. Nope. Milkshakes. Strawberry for me, Salted Caramel for Nessa. Make ’em snappy. Did I mention that at this point I’m still wearing my Hagrid-Hat and Nessa is wearing cat ears and a sombrero on her backpack for no reason whatsoever? And we’re drinking milkshakes at a bar? We are very cool. And I didn’t even feel guilty about this tasty treat since I had walked over ten miles that day. Woo, my thighs were tight for the rest of the evening. Every time I got up off the couch to go to the bathroom, I creaked like a haunted attic.

The next day some of the subways were running, so we took the subway in and sang a big chunk of the time. Harmonizing stuff. I considered putting out my hat to collect change. When we got to work we had email and internet so work actually got done and Metro-North was partially running, so I thanked Nessa for putting me up for two days (thank you, Nessa) and walked to Grand Central to catch a train back to White Plains. It’s still electricity-starved in New York. On 37th and 6th, when I looked left I saw this:

But when I looked right, I saw THIS:

Dark. Dark and terrifying.

Anyway, for me it’s all over now, everything’s back to normal-ish and I feel extremely lucky to have had no permanent damage to myself and my possessions and my loved ones. I got off easy on this one.

Two unrelated photos: Astoria is predominantly Greek? Don’t believe me? This picture really captures the Greekiness, I think.

And while sitting on the couch in the evenings I got to pet Gizzy, my second favorite cat in the whole world. She’s extremely fine-boned but she has a big udder hangin’ from her midsection, so she looks like an elongated beanbag. She’s a love-monster and she lets me pick her up and rub on her udder. Great cat.