Archive for the ‘Stuff’ Category

Things that chap my hide because I am an old grump now. Basically Liz Lemon.

Monday, February 11th, 2013

1. When people say “an historic moment”. I had to hear this over and over again when Obama got elected the first time ’round. Stop it. Stop it right now. You use “a” in front of words that have a consonant sound, and “an” in front of words that have a vowel sound only. OWN. LEE. It doesn’t mean it automatically goes in front of a vowel, just a vowel sound. For example, “eulogy”. Starts with a vowel, but since it has a “yoo” beginning, you say “a eulogy”. What the hell is with the “an” in front of “historic”? HHHHHHHHHHistoric. Unless everybody has a cockney accent and is saying “an ‘istoric moment”, it should be A HISTORIC. YOU HEAR ME, NEWSCASTERS??? “A historic moment.”.

2. When people say, “We are pregnant.” “We” are not pregnant. “We” are expecting a child. “We” have created a new person together. “We” are not pregnant. Only the lady is pregnant. You, my main man, are not pregnant. You are not sharing in the carrying of the baby. You might be doing everything else around the nice lady, like cooking and cleaning and helping her roll over in the middle of the night and rubbing her feet, and I commend you for that, but still, you are not pregnant. Stop saying that.

3. When Jackson Galaxy refers to people as cat guardians, not cat owners. I love Jackson Galaxy and I truly think he is doing work for good, but if I had a cat, I would be its owner. It would be my property. It wouldn’t even be my slave, because slaves actually do stuff like pull carts and build pyramids. Cats just treat you with disdain and poop in a box (which I, the owner, would need to clean). I would not be keeping this precious feline safe until the Gods contact it so it can save the world (guardian), I would just be someone who has a cat (owner). Don’t get me wrong, I would love this cat so hard its forehead would be bald from excessive petting. But I would still be its owner.

Superb Owl 2013.

Thursday, February 7th, 2013

Hey, did everyone enjoy that Superb Owl? I was riveted for, oh, I would say three-quarters of that game, which for me is unheard of. I care not for the American version of rugby. I amused the hell out of my co-workers today when I attempted to describe the game to my parents who are in Israel and therefore were not privy to the goings-on of the NFL. It sounded like this:

Well, it was the Baltimore Ravens, so called because Poe and Baltimore and all that, and the San Francisco 49ers… who are called that for reasons I don’t know. I was rooting for the Ravens because I adore giant crows. Remember those times at the Tower of London when I had a long conversation with those big ole birds? Yeah, so I was rooting for them because you gotta root for somebody. I got to Nya’s house at about five because I wanted to stake out a killer spot on the couch so I could work on my embroidery during the boring bits*. Nessa met me there and our butts became fused to the sofa. I don’t think we got up for two hours, and then we got up in turns so as not to lose our dope couch positions. Anyway, I had an embarrassing moment at the very beginning when the Newtown Chorus and Jennifer Hudson sang “America the Beautiful” and I yelled out, “Hey, I thought Alicia Keyes was gonna sing out national anthem!” Nessa had to point out to me that, ummm, “America the Beautiful” is not our national anthem, never has been. My excuse was someone was singing a sweeping patriotic song and I just defaulted. Not a proud moment in my life. Then Alicia Keyes sang the real national anthem which I decided to honor by getting wings because gosh darnit, I like Alicia Keyes as a person but I do not care for her yell-y singing style. She also sang it as slow as physically possible. Glaciers moved three inches while she belted it out.

Then there was some coin-tossing and some running and hitting and I vaguely paid attention while Ravens annihilated the 49ers. The score was like 26 to 7 or something. I was actually really impressed with the quarterback for the 49ers. He has a name similar to that NSync member, Chris Kirkpatrick, something like that. Anyway, he’s really tall, like 6′ 5″ and he’s slim which is unusual for a quarterback. He was running like crazy, throwing the ball, doing all kinds of stuff. CBS did a whole little special on him, turns out he’s adopted. He had a 4.0 GPA. He’s devoted to his religion. But wait, it gets better. I found out he was also on the Cubs (baseball) and I think he also played basketball really well. HOW super-bummed are his birthparents for giving him up? I mean he’s a magical sporty forest creature beamed down from Mount Olympus, for crying out loud! And he seems very sweet as a person.

So after the first half ended (score a billion to two in favor of Baltimore) Beyonce came out! And sang! And danced! And looked amazing! I must say I am totally content to live in the United States of Beyonce, as it has become since the Inauguration / Super Bowl. I am happy to be a serf in her fiefdom. She performed approximately 3.14 lines of each of her big hits, she wore a black lace doily on her butt, it was wonderful. Then the second half started aaaaaand the lights went out in the stadium. Like, out out. It was dark. Since the game was happening in N’Awlins, Nessa took this opportunity to play the unfortunate clip of Wolf Blitzer saying poorly chosen words. The athletes seemed pretty chill about the whole lights-out thing, they just did stretches and jumpy exercises to keep their limbs… limber. It took fifteen minutes for the lights to get bright enough again, so CBS had a few thousand commercial breaks. Did I mention there was a Doritos commercial with a screaming goat? And a cars.com commercial with a bebbeh wolf? Combine that with the Clydedales in the Budweiser ads and it was a good year for me. The lights came back on, and then the craziest thing happened. A player, from the Ravens I think, got the ball in one endzone and RAN ALL THE WAY TO THE OTHER ENDZONE. No one tripped him, no one thought to trip him, it was very odd. Then the 49ers woke up and came to and got a bunch of touchdowns and the game got pretty close near the end. Finally it ended and the Ravens won and one of the players made a snow angel in the confetti on the field. I got three-quarters of a leaf embroidered and ate a pile of seven-layer dip, so I was happy. It was a good game all around.

*Photographic proof.

Unrelated things.

Monday, January 28th, 2013

1. I went to a cowboy-related bachelorette party. All the other ladies tried really hard to remain lovely and feminine. I did nothing of the sort and put on a Tom Selleck mustache without haste. I think me and my hot-pink leggings look dope.

2. I finished frost-embroidering five of my leaves. That’s all the silver stitchery around the edges of each leaf. My journey to finish this tapestry in the next 300-odd days is well underway. Five more leaves to go and then I do extended frosty pointy thingies. I know that doesn’t really make sense, but when I do it I will take pictures and perhaps that will be clearer.

3. I was riding the ole Metro-North the other day and I saw a poster for The Americans. Now, it’s not just me on this – look at Keri Russell’s neck. It’s, like, crazy-long, right? Is she a member of that tribe in Burma that puts the rings around their neck and compresses their collarbones? It seems like a weird choice. Good poster design otherwise.

Addendum: I did a little photographic research, and my girl Keri does indeed have a long neck, but she is not an ostrich. Definitely some Photoshop in play.

Would you like some charts? I think you would. And perhaps some Grumpy Cat as well? Alright then.

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2013

So, charts.

Everyone who reads this blog, I will assume, is familiar with Grumpy Cat, yes? In case you are not, here is some pictures of said cat.

Well, because Tardar Sauce (the cat’s actual name) is so super-photogenic, people have been making art based on her. And some of it is really terrific.

I am usually not pro-meme-tattoos (you know that’s, like, forever, right?) but that is a fantastic tattoo. That tattoo will stand the test of time. You can join Grumpy Cat’s facebook page and enjoy daily pics and art, or you can go to her webpage and enjoy daily pics and art. Either way you win.

In completely unrelated news, the “*&%#$!” you see in cartoons in place of cursewords is called a variety of things – grawlix, jarns, nittles, or quimp are all acceptable. My Scrabble game just improved.

The internet is a treasure trove of magic. NSFW magic. Plus, fish.

Monday, January 21st, 2013

1. This story is disgusting and extremely well-written. I laughed. You should read it.

http://pamie.com/2012/11/how-i-might-have-just-become-the-newest-urban-legend/

2. There’s a site called Jezebel which talks about the news that most women would find important. Their articles are good, but whoever comes up with their titles makes me especially happy.

3. For New Year’s, Cricket went scuba-diving with his sister in Honduras. He took pictures and another guy took pictures and some of them are very nice.

This is what some of the ocean creatures looked like.

And this is what some of the fish looked like.

Cricket saw an octopus:

Some eels:

A sea turtle:

A jaunty stripey shrimp:

And a stonefish, who can kill you.

He also encountered a cute tiny fish that lived in a cute tiny hole in the coral.

As well as a cowfish, a favorite of mine.

And a flying gurnard! That does not fly. But is still lovely.

My favorite was the insane-looking lobster. That’s a lotta colors there, bud. If you went to Brasil’s Carnivale with that costume on, people would tell you to tone it down.

Important stuff.

Sunday, January 13th, 2013

1. Rocks bouncing on a frozen pond sound like a laser gun. That’s cool.

http://twentytwowords.com/2013/01/01/rocks-bouncing-on-a-frozen-pond-sound-like-a-laser-gun/

2. Ask a Mortician. This very nice lady teaches you about the oft-taboo world of death (which is odd to me, since it’s one of the only things we all have in common). Watch the Hawaiian episode first. Super-interesting.

http://www.youtube.com/user/OrderoftheGoodDeath

3. I was watching the season premiere of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo the other night which had a Halloween theme. At one point, the family traveled to a farm to pick out a pumpkin and there is a corn maze. Alana asked what a corn maze was and Mama June said, “A corn maze is um where they grow corn to make it like … like a corn maze.”

Okay, two things. First of all, this is GOLDEN opportunity for a pun. Did no one think of a Corn Maize, or a Maize Maze??? It’s so easy! Number two, I started yelling at my television, “No! That is a crap description! A corn maze is like a labyrinth, or a series of walls creating corridors and dead ends where, through a series of turns, one can navigate out the other side! Didn’t any of you study the story of the Minotaur?! Probably not, because none of y’all are worthy of sacrifice ’cause none of y’all are virgins. Boom! Greek mythology burn!!” What we have learned from this situation is that puns are being wantonly abandoned where they should clearly be, and I remember more from my sixth grade mythology class than I thought I did. See? Honey Boo Boo can teach you the most important things – things about yourself.

4. I buy craft supplies all the time. Really, all the time. I saw this today on Facebook and I’m a little bummed this has never happened to me.

Three artists I am diggin’ on right now.

Wednesday, January 9th, 2013

1. Louise Hibbert. She’s an Welsh artist – well, here’s her description from her website.

Louise Hibbert is a designer-maker who graduated from University of Brighton in 1994 with a BA (Hons) in 3D design -specialising in Wood and Plastics. She makes a range of practical items (salt and pepper mills, bottle stoppers) but recently has been focusing much more on creating her whimsical one-off pieces – boxes and vessels. Her ideas derive from an exploration of form, texture, colour and symmetry. Inspiration has always been dominated by a fascination with the natural world, particularly marine life, and Louise uses wood to reproduce and emphasise certain decorative aspects that these creatures possess and combine them into single pieces. After careful planning on paper each piece originates on the lathe and then carving, airbrushed inks, and applied resins are used to create the required effects. The majority of her work is made from native kiln-dried timbers. Sycamore is a favourite as it has a pale, even grain to act as a blank canvas for her designs and a wonderful translucent quality that makes the colours glow in a similar way to those of the creatures which inspire her work.

And here’s some of her pieces. I love them. They are spiky and pod-like and clearly inspired by nature. When I look at them, I see atoms and anemones and avocados, all kinds of things.

Louise sells her work on Etsy and if I had the money I would snap up a few of her pieces, no question. Especially this one ($1020, oy):

2. Betsy Youngquist. I found out about her work from being friends with Jan Huling on Facebook (here’s my post on Jan Huling) and I was immediately taken by her mosaic style. Here’s her info from her site.

Betsy Youngquist’s mixed media beadwork reflects a fascination with the intersection of humans, animals, and mythology. Stemming from a life-long love of all creatures great and small, Betsy’s work weaves together the human and animal spirit through a surrealistic lens. When creating her embellished objects, Betsy often collaborates with sculptor R. Scott Long in designing and constructing the forms. Each piece starts as a unique carving. The surfaces are encrusted with beads and found materials in a mosaic process, sometimes incorporating fragments of old porcelain dolls. During the past dozen years, Youngquist has exhibited her work at the National Museum of Women in the Arts and the Smithsonian Craft Show in Washington, D.C., the VIDA Museum in Borgholm, Sweden, and recently, Betsy and Scott completed an installation project for the Racine Art Museum in Racine, WI.

She uses doll heads and normally that would shkeeve me out, but the snail thing, that is great. I would totally want that in my home. And that butterfly sculpture is so impressive, with the wings on the back and the vertebrae. Great stuff.

Betsy also has a store on Etsy, but it’s closed right now. I’m interested to see what she’s going to sell in it.

3. Noon Tattoos. He’s a tattoo artist, but he really goes outside the box. Here’s a review from a magazine:

The tattoo artist’s name is Noon. I love this guy, so here’s more of his tattoo images. Yeah, I know about Filip Leu and Guy Aitchison and Paul Booth, but, to me, Noon is as valid a tattoo artist as any of them. He’s inventive, funny and, graphically, taking more chances than ninety-five percent of the world’s best known inkmeisters. For the naysayers, it’s like looking at Picasso’s “Nude Descending a Staircase” and proclaiming, “That dude can’t draw.” Ridiculous. Picasso was way past representational art. And, safe to say, so is Noon (although he does, at times, include precise photographic images as part of his freaked-out renderings). First, everybody did the same Tasmanian devil, then the same biomechanical rip-offs. After that, it was koi fish and dragons. Everybody became Japanese. Now, everyone thinks they’re Bob Tyrrell, and Dimebag Darrell is the tat du jour. Not in Noon’s world. I didn’t say he’s the next Sailor Jerry Collins, but just as Collins merits his own star in the tattoo universe, so does Monsieur Noon. Except his has six points with a pair of lips and curlers in its hair. – Bob Baxter, Skin & Ink Magazine

I adore his graphic style and textures. Good for him for trusting his passion and skill would find an audience.

I think he’s based out of France, so if you want to get a tattoo you would have to go there.

Wow. Just, wow.

Monday, January 7th, 2013

While everyone with an ounce of taste and culture was watching the Season 3 premiere of Downton Abbey, I spent the day watching a Honey Boo Boo marathon and don’t you judge me. I’m just starting Season 2 of Downton and I didn’t want to jump ahead so shushit. After the season premiere of Honey Boo Boo there was a one-hour special called “Best Funeral Ever”, about the Golden Gate Funeral Home in Dallas, Texas. Apparently, a portion of the Southern African-American population observe something different than a funeral, something called a “homegoing”, because the deceased is going home to Heaven. And an even smaller portion of that group takes their homegoings to a new and special place, a place I have never been before, frankly, an insane place. I’m all for celebrating the life of the dearly departed, but this was crazypants. Please understand everything I say after this point is what I saw. I am not making any of this up.

The show followed around various Golden Gate employees. One of them was an out-and-proud homosexual named Trendnard who wore gloves that only covered his fingertips. He was forced to work with a lady named Eplunus on a Christmas-themed funeral where there was a nativity scene and farm animals. The coffin was brought in on a sleigh pulled by pallbearers wearing reindeer antlers. The ushers were dressed as elves. One of the attendees was a giant gingerbread man. It started snowing in the middle. But that wasn’t the most epic event. The mind-blower was the homegoing of the guy who wrote the Chili’s baby-back ribs jingle. His homegoing’s theme was a barbeque. There was a BBQ sauce fountain. All the funeral employees wore tall chef hats. The coffin was shaped like a smoker. The family was encouraged to get up individually and dip a rib in sauce in memory of their loved one. Then, THEN, a troupe of dancers dressed in white came in singing “Go Tell It On The Mountain” while carrying enormous Styrofoam racks of ribs on plates. It took four of them to hold one plate, that’s how big the ribs were. They would tip over the Flintstone car, they were huge. The least crazy was the guy who had spina bifida and therefore couldn’t go on any amusement park rides, so they brought his urn of ashes to the state fair and took him on all the rides. Big golden urn on rollercoasters. That was the least wacky. And I’m just going to say two words: professional mourners.

This show is supposed to be a one-off, but if it becomes popular enough they may make it into a series. And while I’m appalled by some of the aspects of this show, if the people who are in grief get solace from this, I wish them only the best. They are not hurting anyone. I imagine TLC will play it a bunch more times, so tell your DVR to tape it. Amazing.

I found a snippet of video on the BBQ homegoing.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/07/best-funeral-ever-singer-bbq-theme-video_n_2422725.html

Some stuff and also some things.

Monday, December 31st, 2012

1. I just saw this picture of Brussels. Why were the giant orange bunnies not there when I was there? I would have made a concerted effort to see them. Who took away my bunnies?!?! I’m gonna write a letter.

 

2. I decided a girl’s gotta look out for herself at holiday-time, so I went online and bought a big box o’ dead bugs! Happy Holidays to me! Really.

It was tough, but I waited and waited and then one day, there it was! My box of beetle corpses! There were only two problems. One, the box was clearly labeled “Dead Insect Specimens – For Scientific Use Only” and then the rest was Chinese characters all over, so my doorman handed it to me like, “What’s up with you, girl? You get weird things.” The other problem, and Snorth tells me this is a thing with all beetles, is the buggies have a smell. A pretty strong smell, in fact. It’s not bad, like rotting flesh or anything, but it’s not good. I would describe it as pungent. I think the closest thing I could compare it to is roasted peanuts and a touch of musk. Now they are laid out all over my dining room table on an oilcloth airing out in the hopes that it will dissipate the odd stink. There are gorgeous, though. An excellent gift to myself.

 

3. I saw a holiday-themed commercial for Pringles the other night, and then the next day I saw this:

He makes an excellent point, but that’s not the thought I had. Every time the British voiceover person says, “Merry Pringles,” at the end of the commercial, I can’t stop thinking about a scary campfire story about a forest witch. “Did you ever hear the tale of Mary Pringles? It’s said she roams this forest, shaking a long can filled with compressed, formed cellulose slivers to lure children to her den. Ticka ticka ticka, that’s what it sounds like. Be afraid of Mary Pringles.”

 

4. Everyone who reads this blog knows how I feel about owls, particularly teeny-tiny grumpy owls. I always assumed they had ears, but due to the feathers, I had never seen an ear. And now I wish I still had not seen an owl ear. Eeesh.

The article I saw this in said, “Northern Saw-whet Owls are ‘earless’ owls in the sense that they have no ear tufts, as do Eastern Screech-Owls and Great Horned Owls. But the tufts on those species are not really ears – they are just tufts of feathers that probably serve in displays and in adding to the bird’s camouflage. In the photo above, we see the true ear of an owl. They are massive cavernous pits located on either side of the head, and covered by feathers. If your ears and eyes took up the mass of your head in proportion to a saw-whet, you would probably be making your money with the carnival crowd as part of a sideshow act.”

 

5. I saw these skeleton-painted vacuum tubes on SkullADay.blogspot.com. I think they’re adorable. So creative. I would like a wee battalion of skull-vacuums to guard my home.

Christmas windows 2012.

Sunday, December 30th, 2012

I haven’t gone to see the windows in a long time, so the other day I walked past all the stores I normally look forward to at this time of year. It did not start well. Lord and Taylor, lame. Macy’s, lame. Saks didn’t even try, which was shocking. I was hoping they would bring back the happy happy snowflakes, but they just had creepy animatronic dolls and one of those mapped light shows on the exterior of the building which screws up foot traffic royally. Meh. Thankfully, I did not allow this to get me down and I kept walking up Fifth Avenue towards Central Park. Then there were really cool holiday decor all over! And everything was better. Thank you, Predominantly Luxury Jewelry Shops, for making my holiday merry and bright.

First I passed Henri Bendel’s, where there was an insane giant dangly-tinsel tree sculpture. They have really high ceilings and they used it to their advantage. It was impressive.

Shortly after that was Fendi. Now, Cartier is famous for wrapping their building with Christmas lights like one of their red boxes. They do that every year. It’s a staple.

A lot of the other stores have followed suit. Fendi wrapped their building in belt buckles and drippy icicles, which is a weakness of mine.

Harry Winston had enormous plastic jewels made and lit them from the inside so it looked like diamond clusters over the windows.

But Bulgari was my favorite. They took one of their designs, the Art Deco snake necklace, made it really big and draped it over the building. It twinkled periodically and I damn near walked into traffic to truly appreciate it.

The one store with killer windows this year was Bergdorf Goodman. They had a 1920s theme which made me way happy because OMG SPARKLY. There was rhinestones and sequins on all the surfaces. I think maybe in a past life I was a parakeet, because gosh darnit if light reflects offa something, I gotta stare at it. But before we get to the sparkle-windows, I want to cover the two smaller windows to the side. I had a nice moment when I saw one of the dresses featured in the side windows. I realized, and this almost never happens, that I could make this dress. The whole thing was within my skill set. Now, I would not make this dress because it is kind of fugly, but still, it’s a good feeling to know you could if you had to. Like you were taken to a Hollywood awards show at gunpoint. The dress was made of felt (why? so itchy) and it had beaded beads all over the front. Right in my wheelhouse.

In the other side window was a woman in full evening dress, sitting with a man in full evening dress, except his head wasn’t a man-head, it was a walrus-head. It was a really well-done walrus-head too. Whoever crafted that did a great job. If I ever need to make a walrus-head for a costume or something (and you totally know it could happen) I will refer to these pictures for reference.

The first of the main windows was jazz-themed. Rather cleverly, they skewed the perspective by mounting the mannequins and their instruments on the wall to make it appear as the floor. Really nice.

The next window had a white theme. They used taxidermied white peacocks and loads of ostrich feathers. It was quite lush.

Then there was the window with mirrors. The ones in the middle rotated slowly in opposite directions. Shocker! I stood in front of this one, mouth agape, for a about three minutes. “Spinny… mirrors… must look… away…”

Around the corner in the small windows was a magic show setup which was all fine and dandy, but what I loved was the female mannequin was wearing a cape adorned with sequins and beads depicting what I guess is Apollo crossing the sky. Can we bring back capes please? I feel the need to flounce through Midtown and you need to rock a cape for maximum flouncing. Mercedes Fashion Week, get on that.

In the final window they had a ballroom dancing theme. The mirrorball was really creative. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that you can cover any shape with mirrors and it will become a mirrorball. I don’t know when, but I will use this design style someday in the future. As God is my witness, I will make an oddly shaped thing reflective, I swear it! *raises fist to the sky*

Now, to complete my idea of an exciting holiday break, I will lay in bed, avoid cleaning my apartment and watch the “Modern Marvels” episode on beans I have on my DVR. Happy holidays to you and yours.