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Bloomsburg Fair 2012.

Friday, September 28th, 2012

Five years ago I had complained to my co-worker A. that there were no state fairs in the New York area, the kind you hear about with the butter sculptures and deep-fried beer. He mentioned that three hours away where he’s from there is exactly that. So I went and it was everything a girl could want and more. Here’s the blog entry on that. I wanted to take my parents but every year when it would roll around I would be busy or my parents would be out of the country, whatever. But this year my dad had nothing going on, so we went. I had a great time. My father had a slightly less great time due to his disinterest in livestock and livestock-related activities. But still, a fun time was had. Since it was pretty much the same as last time (fried foods? check. tractors? check.) I’m not going to give a big ole overview again.

Yay fair!

As we came in, we skedaddled past the vendors selling threshers and tillers and backhoes to the livestock-judging area. We saw the standards – cows, horses, pigs, sheep. But some of the goats were new to me. These are small velvety goats. They looked really soft. These two were snuggling.

This one was napping. Look at him. Do you not wish to climb into his paddock and nap laying against him? I bet you do.

Now, every goat I’ve ever seen has big floppity ears. But because humans cannot stop themselves from screwing around with genetics, I saw this goat. And he was not alone. There were others like him.

Little finger-ears. What’s up with that, breeders? Is that a thing we need? I’m going to go with “no”.

There was the rabbit and chicken-judging area where I saw two bunnies that I seriously considered shoving into my shirt and fleeing off into the night with. They had great complicated titles too. They are “Lilac Mini-Rex Doe Jr.s”. They were wee and softy-soft and I wanted to have them in my life. Especially the second one who was starting to fall asleep but looks like she’s consumed with rage. ANGEE BUNNEE (really just drowzee bunnee).

There were a few new and different beastie-activities to engage in this year, and you bet your sweet patoot I went to all of them. In one giant shed there was a partitioned-off area where for $2.00 you could frolick with butterflies. The two dollars went to the local hospital, so I was totally going. Charity AND insects? I’m in. They handed me a Q-tip soaked in blue Gatorade (really) and sent me past two screen doors (to prevent escapees). And then there were a gazillion monarchs and other like butterflies fluttering around.

You know how when you go to butterfly enclosures, the butterflies never land on you and you leave dejected and disappointed? Not here. There were two people at the exit, and you had to turn around in a circle so they could make sure that none of the lil’ flappers were clinging on. I was looking at two little mothy guys when – whump! – a big hefty monarch landed on my finger and startled me. He was the biggest chubbiest monarch I have ever seen.

Then another one took a liking to my pants. He landed on my pant leg and did that open, close, open, close thing they do. I didn’t want to startle him, so I dragged that leg around slowly behind me like I was a butterfly-encrusted zombie. “Ehhhhhhhhhhh, braaaaaaainssss… and pollen.”

Then further on there was a “pet a fawn for $3.00” area, and I was in there before you could say “potential to catch lime disease”. They were so sweet. I plopped down on a hay bale and commenced lovin’ on this little guy. Look at those eyelashes.

There were two smaller fawns in there, and one was all white. The non-albino one was all about licking, so he happily clippety-clopped over to me and started suckling on my fingers. Their mouths feel almost identical to ours. They have sharpish bottom front teeth, and they have a fleshy tongue as opposed to cats and dogs, who have flat tongues. It was very sweet. Other people offered to feed them milk, which seemed to sate the little fellers.

The other cool animal-thing I saw was on the opposite side. I’ve seen many horses before (like this one wearing neon green shoes):

but as I headed over to the stables on the other side, I saw two of the biggest horses I’ve ever seen in my life. Huge. HUGE. They are called Percherons, and they are draft horses, like Clydesdales. Twelve hands high, 1,500 to 2,500 pounds. Humongous. Here’s a picture of one of them. I thought his pattern was lovely.

And here are two people standing next to Percherons to give you a sense of scale. BIG HORSES.

After thoroughly examining all the beasties, my father and I headed over to the Horticulture and Home Arts and Crafts judging area. They had a flower-arranging area that blew my mind, and I’ll tell you why. I felt like I had wandered into 1972. The building was all wood paneling, there was a giant clock made of carnations in the center of the room, and Lawrence Welk-style music was piped in. Along both walls were cut, dried and potted flowers and plants for judging. Apparently the arranged-flower theme this year had a time motif (hence the carnation clock). There was every plant imaginable. I took photos of the clovers, the bonsais, the cactii and the dahlias. Look at the giant blooms in the center.

Also, whenever The Moomins and I buy a fern, we love it and care for it and give it food and light and water and it dies. Look at these guys. I am so jealous.

But what really made it feel like 1972 were the organized themed displays. Like the canning and jarring area. Anyone notice the open bible as part of the display?

Every fiber of my being wanted to yell out, “I got your implements of husbandry RIGHT HERE,” but I did not because I am classy.

The clincher, though, was this. Take it all in. The font on the signs. The scalloped, off-white display niches. And, of course, the Phyllis Diller daisy arrangement.

And there was a ton of produce. Everything you could imagine. I took a picture of the “Bean and Brussel Sprout” quadrant.

The top shelf is regular garlic. The second shelf is elephant garlic. That is some large garlic.

In the Home Arts and Crafts barn was, without a doubt, the whitest thing I have ever seen, ever, and that was the Angel Food Cake Bake-Off. It didn’t help that the booth was manned by Betty White’s doppelganger.

There was, not surprisingly, a ton of food to choose from. This is a very Polish area, so Polish cuisine made a strong appearance.

What are cactus taters? Anyone?

The thing I noticed this year was the church groups selling foods. I insisted on saying the church name followed by the foods offered therein in a loud monotone voice, which caused me to crack up and my father to distance himself from me. For example:

“BLACK CREEK METHODIST CHURCH BAKED POTATO!!”

or:

“STRAWBERRY RIDGE UNITED CHURCH OF CHRIST ROAST BEEF SANDWICHES!!”

I amuse myself.

Here is a sandbox filled with corn.

And here is a typical cross-section of the people of the Yoo-Nited States of ‘Merka. We are not a beautiful people.

And finally, an organ that plays by itself. I couldn’t decide if I liked it or it was going to give me nightmares. I’m still undecided.

Anyway, I may go again next year because even though it’s a three-hour drive from my house, I get to see stuff that does not make its way to New York.

Posted in Activitays, Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, Nature, Stuff, Tasty 'n' Delicious | No Comments »

Burning Man 2012 Recap #7.

Friday, September 14th, 2012

Before I get into California and Reno, I want to impart some helpful tips that, had I known, would probably made Burning Man a far better experience for me. If I ever go again, I will be far more informed.

1. If you live on the West Coast within ten hours driving distance from The Black Rock Desert, you must go. You cram a bunch of stuff in your car and head out. Easy. If you’re from the East Coast, you might want to reconsider. It’s a massive hassle, with the flying and the luggage cost and the car rental and everything. Not to say it’s not worth going, it totally is, but it’s more frustrating.

2. If you rent an RV (which is crazy, the rental places jack the price up to $4,000 or more for that week), don’t use the bathroom. Just don’t use it. There’s nowhere to dispose of your tainted poopwater. Use the Porta-Potties or gas stations on the road on your way there, the way people in cars do. You can shower and use the sink, but then when you get to Burning Man you’ll need to make a gray water evaporator.

3. The sun is a cruel mistress who wants to crush all your hopes and dreams. All you want is shade. We had two places to hide for the six hours a day that the sun was beating down on us – the car (bad idea, metal box) or the tent. The tent was directly in the sun, so it was hot, too. What Cricket figured out is we needed a tent for our tent. You know those four-cornered tent-things you see at street fairs? Put one of those over your tent, and then it will be in the shade and cool. If you rent an RV, make sure it has folding arm awnings Melbourne that you can unroll and sit under during the hot bits.

4. Another option to beat the heat: buy, like, three five-gallon containers of gas and strap them to the roof or shove them in the trunk of your car. During the day, run the air conditioning for a couple of hours without fear of running out of gas in the middle of the desert.

5. The dust is highly drying and it is blowing around you all the time. Your hair will get dusty and feel like straw that’s been pressed in a panini machine. Do not try to comb it or brush it. Before you go to Burning Man, find a middle-school girl and have her braid your hair into a bunch of French braids all over your head. Don’t take them out until you leave. I crammed my hair into a ponytail and didn’t touch it again until we got to a hotel. Bring a bottle of conditioner and Neutrogena shampoo with you. The conditioner doesn’t have to be fancy, it can be Suave. When you get to a post-Burning Man showering facility, lather that conditioning glop into your gross dirty hair and work out all the knots gently with your fingers. Then shampoo with the Neutrogena and wash out the conditioner/dust/hair grease soup you’ve just created. If you do not follow this plan, your hair will turn into a lightly matted giant dreadlock that you cannot untangle. Try to avoid that. Don’t fret, this whole process took me ten minutes. It’s not a whole-evening-occupier.

6. Since there are no trash receptacles and you must keep all your trash with you, Cricket and I opted to only eat dry food (granola bars and Pirate’s Booty predominantly). That way, when we were done we only had empty wrappers and nothing that would rot and have a nasty odor. While it gets kind of tedious on the palate after a while, our trash did not stink, so maybe consider that as an option.

7. When you go to rent your car, LIE. Lie right to their faces. Dress conservatively. Don’t let bits of your costume or anything peek out. They are waiting for you. Why? Because none of their vehicles are permitted to go off-roading and it is a colossal pain in the keister to clean all the dust off the car. Seriously. Here’s one of several warnings printed on our rental paperwork.

The smart thing to do is to bring a giant tarp with you and cover the whole car with it so when the dust storm kicks up, some dust might swirl up under the tarp, but the wind isn’t actively cramming the dust with force into the nooks and crannies of your vehicle. We had the back of the car facing the wind during our dust storm, so when we got back to Reno Cricket power-washed the minivan and we went through the car wash. Then we waited for the van to dry and hand-wiped down dusty remnants with wet paper towels. The next day, Cricket power-washed the van AGAIN. We went through the car wash AGAIN. Even after all that, dusty water was seeping out from behind the lights and the mirrors. It was infuriating.

Cricket recommended wrapping clingwrap around the mirrors and lights where dust can go and hide, and while that’s an option, it isn’t terribly environmental, so try the tarp thing first. Make sure the tarp is secure either to the ground or the vehicle, otherwise when the wind kicks up it will become a giant festive kite.

8. If God forbid you forgot to buy a thousand LEDs or weird club outfits, don’t panic. At the two gas stations you will pass on your way from Reno to The Black Rock Desert there will be people with booths, and those booths will be selling light-up things and glow-sticks and fake fur booties and hats and skin-tight shirts and pants. I’m sure the prices are higher than they would normally be, but at least you’re not screwed if you forgot something.

9. This is a culture of gifting. I saw several helpful useful gifts that you may want to consider. It’s hot and dry, and dark at night, so anything that alleviates either of those is a good idea. Those fans with water bottles built in that run on batteries, good. Necklaces or glasses with blinky lights, good. Filling up a weed mister and misting people in the middle of the day with water, good. Small flashlights that you hand out to people who have no lights on them (referred to as Darktards), good. Anything like that.

10. Listen to the Burning Man radio station as much as possible. Not only do they play a wide array of music, they do little PSAs on the art pieces, and people announce different activities that didn’t make it into the book. It’s extremely professionally run.

Since we busted out the desert at about 9:00 in the morning, we had the whole day ahead of us. We went to Reno, blasted our vehicle with water in an attempt to eradicate the dust (fail) and then decided to check out Lake Tahoe. Lake Tahoe straddles Nevada and California, and we ended going to California. (Sad moment: Cricket told me we would end up in California, and I turned to him all panicked and said, “We can’t! I didn’t bring my passport!” Waa-waa.) We drove for a bunch of hours through some seriously picturesque American landscape. I wanted to sing songs about Paul Bunyan and Babe the Big Blue Ox, but I didn’t know any. Lucky for Cricket, because I would have sang lustily and loudly and antagonized him.

On our way to Lake Tahoe we came to the Land of A Thousand Donners. The Donner Party, in case you don’t know, were pioneers who were moving out West. They got caught in the Sierra Nevada mountains during the winter and many of them died. The rest were forced to resort to cannibalism to survive. Only half of the original eighty-something people that started on the journey made it out. Everything in that specific area is Donner This and Donner That to commemorate this unfortunate experience.

Lake Tahoe is very, very high up and is one of three largest bodies of freshwater in America. The water is clear up until 67 feet deep. And it is COLD. But in a good way, if you can imagine, really crisp and biting and refreshing. And highly photogenic. It smelled amazing too, all pine-y and fresh. I would not want to be there in the winter, but in the late summer/early autumn, it is blissful.

After our sojourn in the state of California (where I thankfully did not need my passport), we headed back to Reno to sleep for the night and then catch the 7:00 a.m. flight back to New York. That evening there was a rib festival in front of The Nugget Hotel and Casino. Not one to pass on a food festival, we went. It was okay *weeble-wobbles hand*. The food was good and all that, but the lines were long and the sun was harsh. It was tough for us to decide which rib joint to patronize. Each one had their awards plastered all over booth area on every available inch of space. Some of them had big ole trophies too.

Since I had no knowledge about which booth to go to, I made the choice to go to the Texas one solely because they had a giant inflatable armadillo on top. And I made a wise choice because their ribs were excellent. They made their own sauces too, and the honey chipotle was lip-smackingly good.

That’s it. That’s my five-day trip to Burning Man (plus a touch of Reno and a splash of Lake Tahoe). It was a great experience.

Posted in Burning Man, Stuff, Tasty 'n' Delicious, Travels - I Has Them | No Comments »

Burning Man 2012 Recap #4.

Sunday, September 9th, 2012

Before we look at super-great night-time stuff, let’s take a moment to appreciate the Pee Funnel Camp signage. That’s right – a camp devoted to giving out pee funnels to ladies. I saw a ton of their ads every time I used a Porta-Potty.

Also, there was one more piece of art on the Playa that I wanted to deal with specifically. It was Wall Street.

There’s Goldman Sucks, Bank of UnAmerica and a variety of other name puns. This was the only real time I had a “stop it, you hippies!” moment. People had written about their financial woes all over the walls of the buildings. Halfway into my first day I started hearing about how we were gonna burn down the Wall Street effigy, yeah!!! That’s gonna change everything!!! I could only think of this bit by Patton Oswalt.

PattonOswalt – Hippies

I didn’t want to tell the nice people that while breaking their butts constructing this faux-bank-cluster, writing angry comments in Sharpie all over the inside and then watching it go up in flames might be cathartic, in the short and long run it will change nothing. Nothing. Not to say the money problems people in this country are having are not valid or totally soul-crushing or family-destroying, they are, but this is a pointless way to go about fixing it. I tried to roll my eyes quietly so as not to offend anyone.

Okay, night-time. If there was one reason I would say to go to Burning Man, I would say go for the night-time. It’s one of the coolest and weirdest things you will ever see. First of all, a great many tents are lit up. The art is also illuminated. There are crazy amazing artcars going by at about ten miles an hour (so as not to raise too much dust), and people have stuck all kinds of lights and blinkies and glowsticks all over their bicycles and are zipping around. It’s highly social and all kinds of activities are occurring all around you. It’s magical, really. I don’t use that word too often, but it’s true. Check out this guy’s video from last year.

http://vimeo.com/28801666

The exceptionally bright green laser light is coming off of the cruise ship artcar, according to information on this site. The cruise ship was there again this year. Cricket and I marveled several times at how freakin’ bright that thing was. Here are some other people’s night shots from years past.

And here’s a sadly blurry shot of Center Camp at night.

What I find amazing about this event is how many people make really complicated things, beautiful pieces, with no other intent than just to bring joy to others. There was the spinning cubed cube.

And the grove of trees slowly shimmering in the moonlight.

And the fiberoptic fountain. You’re not supposed to bring fountains to Burning Man (I don’t know why, perhaps they use too much water or something) so someone made one using LED strips (the same kind I have on the jelly-brella) and fiberoptic thread clumps. It looked really cool.

Here’s some video I took.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I59oJeatOX4

There was a pier that had been there last year. However, last year it led to nothing, and this year it led to a half-sunken Spanish galleon. I’m intrigued to find out if they continue to add onto this piece for years to come.

The one that blew my mind was the donut. I was standing all the way on the other side of the Playa when I saw two ribbons twirling around each other and I couldn’t figure out how people were controlling the ribbons. When we finally got over there I saw that it was a donut-shaped sculpture, about 12 feet across, made from circles of LEDs. Whoever programmed them is a genius. I made some animated gifs to show you what I mean.

And, as promised, here is the gate in front of Center Camp. Here it is during the day.

It looked lovely in daylight, but here it is at night. OMG SO MANY COLORS YAYYYYY.

There were tons of different ways to spend your time. There was the rollerskating rink.

And right next door was a complete skateboarding park. A lot of people set up bars, both coffee (popular during the day) and alcohol (popular during the night). Here’s some footage of the dodgeball court.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8h6XVX3Meo

There were a bunch of rave-type dance halls. You could watch fire artists perform.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwk5KFUtqNM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C61OwUCIlGo

But the most popular of these had to be Thunderdome. You heard me right. Thunderdome. An enormous geodesic dome with people hanging all over it. You could volunteer to go inside where they hooked you up to a swing and you and another volunteer battled it out with foam swords.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXvE1lDkgKU

Here’s someone else’s footage.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=657Q2IuJD-w&

Tomorrow will be a really big post because I’ll be covering the artcars which were stupendous.

Posted in Burning Man, Random Art Bloggery, Stuff, Travels - I Has Them | No Comments »

Teevee.

Wednesday, August 15th, 2012

The Olympics have ended. Sigh. I really liked coming home and not having to think about what to watch – just turn on NBC until I go to sleep and watch awesome people do awesome things. Now I have to make an attempt to find things that interest me. I guess I’m back to watching people killing people and having forensics solve the murder (“When Natalie moved to this sleepy little town, she never suspected that blah blah found strangled in her kitchen and police suspected mumbleblah hair samples.”) One of the other things I love about the Olympics is the opening ceremony. Not the actual weird creative part, where giant puppet Voldemort fought one hundred Mary Poppins in a children’s hospital which was supposed to represent British literature and the excellent health care system they have there (I did not make one word of that up). No, it’s the part where all the countries walk in. The official languages of the Olympics are English and French, so they announce the names of the countries as they enter the arena in both those languages. I love accents and hearing other languages so very much. I have no idea why. My guess is it’s because it’s like seeing your own language through different eyes. You say all these words all the time, after a while it doesn’t matter, but hearing someone who is foreign to the tongue is like opening a window in your house you’ve never noticed. I never stop enjoying the French pronunciations of country names. I specifically wait for two countries because it sounds like this:

“CHINA! SHEEN!”

and

“JAMAICA! JAH-MAH-YEEK!”‘

So I watch the opening ceremonies specifically for that. I considered tuning in to the closing ceremony but I was working late so when I got home I caught a little bit of Fatboy Slim rocking the turntables inside of a giant light-up octopus, decided I was too tired to go on this British acid trip and turned it off.

Now that I’m back on regular television for the next two years I’m excited that Hoarders is coming back. I thought after watching Hoarders for the last few seasons I would be somewhat immune to the weirdness reality TV sometimes brings to my attention. I was wrong. Did any of you watch The Soup on August 8? The Soup is a recap show of all the more interesting things the television has granted us, and one of the things they covered was a show called Small Town Security. I could not get over how profoundly bizarre this clip was. Click on the August 8th Condensed Soup clip and fast-forward to 1:09 to see what I’m talking about.

http://www.thesouptv.com/clips

WHAT. THE. WHAT. Why is that guy dressed as a game show host from the 70s? What’s up with the guy in the fishing hat? Why doesn’t the woman’s face change at all when she laughs? Aren’t you supposed to smile when you laugh? The chihuahua is humping? The sheriff tinkles herself? I… I don’t understand. It’s like a bad dream. Not a nightmare, but a dream where you wake up and you’re out-of-sorts for the rest of the day, like you’re suddenly left-handed and nothing feels right. Oh television, please never fail to surprise me.

Posted in Stuff, The Telly | No Comments »

Facing my fears. (That was a dumb idea.) And spiders!

Monday, July 2nd, 2012

I lived in Rye for the first eighteen years of my life, a mere mile or so from Playland Amusement Park. I haaaaaaaate amusement park rides because I feel no need, really, none whatsoever, to be exhilarated by speed, jarring movements, or the perception of imminent death. I was thinking the other day how amazing it was to come home to an air-conditioned room, strip down to your nethergarments, plop down on cool, clean sheets and watch something on cable. I felt like that was truly bliss. What is NOT truly bliss is to drive to a giant parking lot on a crazy-hot day, pay a bucketload of money, stand in long lines, and have a ride smack you around like you’re a battered wife. However, Playland has an iconic ride called the Dragon Coaster that has been there since 1929 and since I grew up in its large skeletal wooden shadow I felt I was somewhat obligated to ride it. Once. So this past Saturday Cricket and I went on down to Playland at noon, right when it opened for the day so the lines were short, bought a few individual rides, and got in line for the Dragon Coaster. We watched the people in front of us go on the ride while my heart pounded. Did I forget to mention that I did this without the assistance of any (doctor-prescribed or otherwise) anxiety-inhibiting drugs? I did it Civil-War-surgery-style, just bite down on this stick, rrrrrrrr. Then it was our turn. We got the last seats in the last car where Cricket gave me the comforting comment, “You can puke all you want, it’ll just go behind us!” And we were off. Here’s a video someone took so you too can live the dream.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLGlbD8OcSg

Here’s my feelings on it: The first big fall, I was fine. The first sharp turn, I was fine. Wheee! And then the ride actively tried to make me sick (up, down, up, down – at the :37 mark) which, frankly, hurt my feelings. Why, Dragon Coaster? We were having a nice time together, why did you have to try and make me barf? That was mean. Right after we exited the dark inside-the-dragon part and the ride tried to make me quease again, I turned to Cricket and said OKAY, I’M DONE NOW. DONE NOW. I’M DONE. Cricket realized we were on the threshold of me freakin’ the eff out, so he tried to be all soothing and whatnot and he said something akin to, “Great job honey, I’m very proud of you – but the ride isn’t over yet. See? More ride.” I continued with my loud, emphatic BUT I’M DONE. DONE NOW. I suppose I thought that if I kept repeating that phrase the ride would stop, grinding to a halt from the sheer power of my intense, bone-crushing desire to get off. Cricket kept having to say things like, “Look how low we are! We’re almost finished, honey! So very proud of you! etc.” The second we pulled into the disembarkation bay I changed my mantra to GET OUT RIGHT NOW. OUT. GET OUT. Cricket had to pull me out and, no exaggeration, my whole body was violently shaking so bad I could barely stand. We left the ride area with me looking like a newborn foal and I promptly draped myself over a fence to die. Cricket took pictures.

Please note I am wearing one of the only white t-shirts I own because I knew it would be in the 90s that day. There it is, like seeing the Loch Ness Monster. Jess in a white t-shirt. Enjoy.

So I faced one of my fears. I’m thinking I don’t have to go on another amusement park ride for another 34-and-three-quarters years. Everyone okay with that?

You know what I am not afraid of? Spiders! I was out of the country for the Super Bowl this year, so I missed all the commercials. When I returned, Snorth sent me this one which I adore and watch periodically just for funsies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fe1cJPD_ZbA

Fantastic. Snorth pointed out to me that her favorite bug was the jumping spider that says, “Hello, lunch.” I informed her that I was unfamiliar with jumping spiders. And then the deluge began. Long story short: it has been four months since the Super Bowl, I now have a jumping spider as my background image on my phone, I belong to the Spider Fan Page on Facebook, and I’m already thinking about drawings I’m going to make incorporating jumping spiders in them. I also have a favorite group of jumping spider called the salticids. I like them bestest for a variety of reasons. One is that their heads are square-shaped and they appear to have eyeballs in all four corners. Another reason is the feather-duster-arms they use to clean all these eyeballs. But the primary reason I love them is because the males have big ole fangy-fangs that are iridescent and that totally resemble enormous buck teeth. Whenever I see one I automatically say “MIRFF!” with my front teeth pushed all the way forward because that’s what I think they would sound like. Here’s the picture on my phone.

Here’s one of my favorite animated gifs.

And here’s a sexay leggy mating dance.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7qmpz_saitis_animals?start=38

I highly recommend that you go to Google, type “jumping spider” in and hit Images. It’s like a treasure trove of tiny adorable little spiderypoo goodnesss.

Posted in Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, My Art/Design/Business, Nature, New York, Stuff, Teh Intarwebz | No Comments »

The internet is made of cats, who am I to fight it? Meet Dolce.

Monday, June 4th, 2012

Cricket and his family went on vacation for three weeks, and Cricket’s father has a cat that lives in their basement, prowls around outside, kills them “presents”, etc. I offered to watch said kitty for the duration of the trip, so now I have a cat named Dolce in my apartment. Cats are extremely weird animals, has anyone else noticed that? I get the midnight crazies, cats are crepuscular (most active at dawn and dusk) and so Dolce gets this insane need to zip from room to room yowling and attacking my plants and my bedskirt. That’s fine. It’s the odd emo things she does that I don’t get. Here’s the deal: I feed her. I give her fresh water. She eats and then follows me from room to room meowing. When I go to pet her, she shimmies away and continues complaining. WHAT DO YOU WANT, CAT? I am giving you food, cleaning up your poop and trying to pet you. What the hell is wrong? I’ve just started ignoring her feelings and aggressively loving her against her will. Hey Cat, if you keep complaining I’m gonna pick you up and give you kisses and squeezins. Too bad. Deal with it.

Here’s a picture of Dolce with her typical expression which is, “Meh.”

It’s like living with a ninja. She makes almost no noise when she walks around, so periodically I’ll jump when suddenly next to my foot I hear, “Meow.” Oh, hello Dolce, I didn’t see you there. Don’t mind me, I’m just going to mop up this piddle that is now under my chair as soon as my heart stops beating in my ears. The other night I was walking to the kitchen and I walked past my jacket sitting on my couch.

I got some almond milk, turned around and OH MY GOD DEMON JACKET!!!

I’m not going to lie: I shrieked like a wee girl seeing an icky bug. I highly recommend not owning only black clothing if you’re sharing your living quarters with a black cat. Too many places for kitty to blend in and scare the crap out of you. Only have light colors or hot pink everywhere so you can keep track of where that thing is.

I still love her, though. I tried to take pictures with both of us together. Dolce really hates flash photography in her face, so in most of the photos she tucks her head into her armpit, or she has the expression below. “SO BRIGHT!! NO LIKE BRIGHT!!”

I took one where I’m giving her smootchies. I think her expression says it all.*

*”Meh.”

Cricket returns in a little less than two weeks, so basically I have to not kill this cat for about twelve more days. I think I can handle this.

Addendum: Additional Meh to get you through your day.

Posted in Apartment, Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, Stuff | 3 Comments »

Sleepytime.

Wednesday, May 9th, 2012

I haven’t blogged anything in a week because nothing of interest has happened, but I got a lot of cool stuff lined up for this weekend that I’m sure will be interesting to you so that’s a-comin’. In the meantime, feel free to look at THE WORST PHOTO I HAVE EVER SEEN EVER. Seriously, it’s like the boiled-down essence of that creepitude M. Night Shyamalan is (was) famous for. Gyuh.

Posted in Beastiesbeastiesbeasties, Nature, Stuff | No Comments »

I met a famous person and made him uncomfortable with my love! Also, charts.

Tuesday, May 1st, 2012

Michael Waltrip came to the office to talk to us about various sponsorships and whatnot. It’s okay if you don’t know who he is, I had no idea myself. He is a NASCAR driver who has won the Daytona 500 twice.

Michael was a delightful man – Southern, charming, tan, tall. I became smitten. So afterwards he stuck around and was signing all kinds of things and I got in line. When I got to the front of the line he reached out to sign something and I said, “No no, we’re gonna hug now,” and I did. Michael was okay with it. Kind of.

I love to hug people, but I know many people hate it, so in order to make it less traumatizing I usually announce it. It doesn’t seem to help. Saying, “I’M GOING TO HUG YOU NOW,” and then wrapping your arms around people doesn’t put them at ease for some reason. Are you familiar with the comic strip Get Fuzzy? There’s a character that I identify with greatly.

I have accrued a plethora of charts that I must share with you. And please try to imagine me hugging you while you look at these.

Posted in Advertising, Charts, Stuff | No Comments »

I’m crabby. Let’s talk about it.

Friday, April 6th, 2012

Several reasons:

1. I have a bacterial infection in my head. Specifically in my sinuses and my left ear. The post-nasal drip is causing my throat to feel like it’s ON FIRE all the time for the last four days and my sinuses are filled with cement. Sometimes, when I blow my nose, horrible things come out, things that make me make this face.

Except imagine this cat has hands, and in his hands is a tissue filled with atrocities. It’s all not okay. The worst part is the ear thing. Because my ear parts are all swole up and twisted, sounds aren’t boppin’ around in there like they should. In my left ear I hear everything in stereo, like everyone has a back-up singer who’s saying the exact same thing at the same time they’re saying it, but (and I am not making this up in the least) the back-up voice is tinny-sounding and slightly out of key, like a poorly-tuned jangly piano in a saloon in the Wild West. You might think this is awesome, but you would be wrong. One grows weary of everything sounding terrible. I stopped listening to music after everything started sounding like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpFQLw5_N2o

However, I bit the bullet and hauled my disgusting self to the doctor where he gave me a prescription for ten days of antibiotics. They’re working (music sounds like music again and my throat is not quite as on fire as it was) but I still sound like one of Marge Simpson’s sisters.

2. I went with Snorth and her husband Speeb to the Museum of Natural History to see the “Creatures of Light” exhibition. It’s supposed to be an awesome exhibition about animals/rocks/plants with bioluminescence. So I, like a fool, assumed there would be all kinds of jellies and mushrooms and fireflies and whatnot, and you know what I saw? Helpful diagrams. Little models. At the end there were, like, ten fish hanging out in a tank with wee glowy spots on their cheekbones that you could barely see. I was furious because I have been through this before. A few years ago, there was an exhibition on poisonous dart frogs at AMNH and I was so excited because I was gonna see a million killer frogs, oh boy! Guess what? Helpful diagrams. Little models. Four frogs at the end. You would think I would have learned from my previous experience, but clearly I did not. Seriously, AMNH, how much money does it cost to grow a couple of glow-y shrooms in some mulch? THEY SELL BAGS OF GLOW-IN-THE-DARK MUSHROOM MIX IN THE GIFT SHOP, FOR EFF’S SAKE. Come on. I have friends who have fish tanks, they would lend you one and you could put wee jellies in them with a black light on top. It would cost $1,000 tops. Stop having weak exhibitions.

3. I went to the Macy’s Flower Show across the street. I’ve blogged about it here and here. This year due to repairs being done in the bag/makeup/accessories department the flower show was in an enormous tent on Broadway right in front. So I lined up and went in the text and it was lamey-lame-lame. The theme was “Brasil!”, but it pretty much resembled a very nice garden center with Brazilian music playing in the background. They had a couple cool plants, like mini-pineapples, but I felt it was yet another opportunity missed for awesomeness.

4. Enough with the Adele already. Enough.

One of the only things making me happy right now is this:

http://iheartmomonga.tumblr.com/

Posted in Nature, New York, Stuff | No Comments »

Random whatnot and such.

Monday, March 26th, 2012

Nothing exceptionally interesting has been going in the World of Jessica (I went to a farmer’s market and bought horseradish pickles, but they didn’t really taste like horseradish and I was disappoizzzzzzzzzzzz) so here are a few things that have been floating around that you might enjoy.

1. I was checking out on Amazon the other day and there was this:

For some reason I felt a bit violated. Hey Amazon, I don’t know what you think of my prudent caves but I would appreciate you keeping your thoughts to yourself thankssomuch.

2. There’s a wonderful website called KnockingOff.com, with pictures of – you guessed it – knockoffs. Here are a few of my favorites.

And this one is my favorite, specifically because a friend of mine, JR, went to Taiwan in 1998 or 1999 and when he returned he regaled me with tales of Engrish littering the streets. One was adidas, but spelled with an lower-case L instead of an I. To this day I still call it adldas. The other was the brand Puma, but with the letters rearranged to spell Pmua. I also still call them Pmua. And lo, a photo of it, bringing back warm college memories: