Archive for the ‘Stuff’ Category

Happy Fangsgiving!

Saturday, November 27th, 2010

Happy post-Thanksgiving, y’all! I haven’t written anything for a while due to a combination of nothing interesting happening to me and being worked to the bone, but I’ve had a few days off and I have recuperated, and I also went to see the Thanksgiving Day Parade again from my office, which I will delve into momentarily. But first, I hosted the festive feasting at my apartment this year, and I cooked everything myself for the first time. I’ve never had that much raw dead poultry in my personal space before, I wasn’t really prepared for the sheer ookiness of the whole thing. I got parts-of-bird instead of one giant turkey because most of my family likes dark meat, so I was marinating the many legs and thighs and the one breast in a variety of vessels in my fridge overnight. I would forget they were there, and I would stumble into the kitchen for a drink in the middle of the night, open the refrigerator door and – AAAHHHHHH! Corpses! Corpses littering my – and then I would remember, that’s right, I put them there. This happened at least three times. Then I had to rub the skin with butter, really massage it in there, which caused me to have a total Silence of the Lambs moment, and the worst part of the directions was “put the remaining butter in the chest cavity.” Dear God, cooking can be so gross. But dinner went smashingly, except that I couldn’t find all of my grandmother’s fancy cutlery and that caused a few small problems. Have you ever watched people eat jello mold with herring forks? It does not go well. It looks like they are all unwillingly participating in an obstacle for a Nickelodeon game show. But the next morning I got to go with my father and see the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade from my office, and that was delightful. I’ve covered it before, and everyone has seen it live on TV, so I’m going to only talk about specific bits that were of importance to me. Many of the pictures are mine, and the rest are taken by my beautiful co-worker Lor who was stationed on the ground and often had a better view.

Because they’ve changed the parade route, they performances no longer happen right in front of my building, but around the corner, so the only way I could see the dance routines was to watch the reflection in the mirrored building across the street. If you look above the Foot Locker sign, you’ll see the reflection.

Pokemon went by and he had a really great preceding float. I believe all of the balloons had little floats before them or following them. I thought this one was shnazzy.

My favorite float was the Jimmy Dean Breakfast Food Items float. While I actively dislike his breakfast food items, specifically his sausage, I am enamored of the commercials and this float. Damn you, Jimmy Dean, and your sub-par product! You taunt me with rainbows and solar systems! You are like the Lisa Frank of pork sausage!

There were two castle-type floats that caught my eye. One was the Office Max float. Why they picked a Foster’s Home of Imaginary Friends-type house as their float, I do not know, but I thought it was great. Then there was the pink castle. Now, I am a female, I have always been (despite some rumors to the contrary) and I like girly things just fine. But this pink castle, it was just so, PINK. I was overwhelmed, like I had been slapped in the face with a uterus. Filled with glitter.

There were two costumes/floats I desperately want to be on or in some year. One was at the base of the Murakami balloons. Here are the Murakami balloons.

And here is the costume.

Maybe they’ll let me borrow the headdress part and I can wear on the weekends while I run my errands. I think that would be super.

The other thing I wanted to be a part of is the small following float of Spongebob Squarepants. There was a very nice mermaid riding a lobster.

I MUST RIDE THE LOBSTER. I would wave so hard, my arms would fall off. Mayor Bloomberg, let me ride the lobster please!

This girl had a hell of a job, walking in front of the Big Apple float with Kanye West on it. I wonder if people threw stuff at her.

And here’s Kanye.

Following the Big Apple/Kanye float was a herd of people dressed like cops and robbers because…crime in New York is up? Or down? Maybe Riker’s Island paid for the float? I don’t know.

The other bizarre combination was a Statue of Liberty float (okay) covered with the little minions from Despicable Me (huh?). My father has not seen the film and insisted they were salt shakers. What was neat about them is they were all little people in there, but I don’t think there was any way for them to see out, so the ones on the float were fine, but the ones wandering around the street waving each got their own handler who would hold their hand and gently steer them around.

There were two balloons I had never seen which looked like the die (dii?) from Dungeons and Dragons. They weren’t really near anything else recognizable, so I wonder why they were there.

I was really excited about this float: you all know that I painted a piece based on the story of the world being on the back of a tortoise, and then there was this! And I was there with my dad, who told me the story! I felt like singing “Circle of Life” from The Lion King.

I also loved the Ukrainian ball balloons.

And that’s about it. I’ve spent the rest of the weekend so far working on my own artwork, so hopefully soon I’ll have a cool post about that. In the meantime, I hope everyone has a healthy and happy Thanksgiving weekend.

Addendum: The person in front of the Murakami float was, in fact, Takashi Murakami. So the chances of me getting to wear that costume are slim to none. Someday, though, I would like to be as happy as he is in the second picture. So. Happy.

(These two photos of Takashi Murakami are from slamxhype.com.)

The gamut of emotions in mere minutes.

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that the last two Christmases seasons I have been obsessed with these dripping lights draped all over the trees outside my office. Every year I try to make an animated gif of them to capture the magic. I fail every time, but it doesn’t mean I won’t stop.

I decided this year to look at see if I could find them for myself and I could have drippy Christmas lights all year ’round, which would be GLORIOUS. So I did a hunt on the internet, and lookit! I found them!

(This is part where I am happy.)

And then…I see the price.

Holy crapbadgers! That’s five lights (I’m not counting the amount of bulbs, I’m just counting the tubes) for over $100 a tube. Ehhhhh.

(Now I’m sad.)

Maybe they sell shorter, thinner, less industrial versions. I’ll look for those.

And they do!

(Happy-ish.)

Aaaaand, then there’s the price again.

(Sad.)

Okay, now they’re $33.00 a tube. Better, sort of.

Long story short, they sell itty bitty ones for about $10.00 a tube. But it’s a really short tube and there are only 18 LED bulbs in each tube, so I would have to see them in action to see if they have the same effect as the long ones. It’s all been very emotional. I need a nap.

Addendum on December 7th: They have not put the lights in the trees. I am concerned. Perhaps there will not be drippy lights in the tree this year. I therefore see no reason to go to work until January.

Things and stuff.

Wednesday, October 27th, 2010

1. Chart!

2. Spam!

The first bit is your standard “I don’t speak English, so I’m going to cobble a statement together using words I picked up out of a basket at the Salvation Army, and this shall cause much mirth among the native English tongue-folk” spam. The second one is the one that made me laugh.

So…you were moved to tears by…my flair collection? Was it the “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” one? That always makes me misty as well.

3. Covers and Mash-ups!

There’s this hipster jazzy version of “Single Ladies” that has grown on me. It’s sassy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIr8-f2OWhs

There’s this version of “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, sung by an Estonian acapella group. I can’t stop listening to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4Eb2LGj714

There’s this mashup of the theme song of Mad Men and a song by Nat King Cole, sung by Brian Williams’ (the news anchor) daughter. Read the description. It’s all one shot and not lip-synced or anything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEj0z0maxzM

And then there’s these two guys who did a mashup of three pop songs, and damn if I don’t like their version better than all the other original songs. They used “Love the Way You Lie”, “Dynamite”, and “Teenage Dream”. I truly HATE HATE HATE the way he does his “L” (Does your tongue really have to come all the way out of your mouth? Really? Does it?), but his enthusiasm is great.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkHJ2-zoSB4

My father explains the name Mazda.

Wednesday, October 20th, 2010

As we all know, I bought a Mazda 2 Sport. I assumed it was a Japanese term because it is a Japanese car company. Turns out, I was wrong. This is what my father told me when I told him I was buying a Mazda. I am planning to sell my car fort myers so I can buy a new one with better features soon.

“A long time ago, there was a sort of Golden Age of religion, when a whole lot of religions popped up – Judaism, Zoroastrianism, Confucianism, Buddhism, Hinduism – and these were all in different parts of the world, but they all happened within 500 years, no one knows why. Now, in Zoroastrianism, it is believed that there are two gods: Ahura Mazda, the God of Light and Goodness, and Ahura Daeva, the God of Darkness and Evil (where we get the word “Devil” from). The man who started the Mazda company, a man named Matsuda, wanted a name for his company that captured a positive quality but also referred back to his name. So he chose Mazda, the Zoroastrian word for lightness and goodness.”

Huh. Didn’t see that coming. So, of course, my car is named Ahura. The Ahura Mazda.

Hoarders: I want to look away… but I cannot…

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

There’s a show on A&E called Hoarders. I occasionally watch it from time to time, and sure enough, people keep stuff. Lots of stuff. Stuff that breeds bugs. It can be gross. But I had never seen I house like this one before. This is… intense. Conveniently, A&E had it posted on their website, so I could take screengrabs and share it with you now.

There is the opener.

And there is the description of a hoarder.

Unsanitary? Oh, you ain’t kiddin’. Let’s meet Robin. This is Robin.

And this is Robin’s house.

Let’s stop here for a second. I understand keeping lots of things for the sentimental value or whatever, but this woman kept trash. I was screaming at the TV, “The garbage trucks come right up to the house! You don’t gotta bring it nowhere! They come to you! There’s a schedule and everything!!” Robin’s house was reported because the neighbors could smell it. They could smell it through the walls and down the street. Holy guacamole.

If you also plan to purge your collections and declutter, consider renting skip bins from https://www.ozoneskips.com.au/skip-bins-woodcroft/.

Robin also had an unknown number of cats, for whom the whole house was a litter box. They had been going to the bathroom all over the house for the last ten years. I had the distinct pleasure of hearing the clean-up guy say, “This is her dining room table. And this is three-and-a-half feet of cat feces on it.”

Cat feces in a pile.

Cat feces in a heap.

Cat feces on top of the washing machine with broken jar.

I feel like I could write an ode to cat feces now, I know so much about it.

Robin would have happily continued living like this for all eternity, except the city came to visit and found her house unlivable and unless she got it up to code it would be demolished and she would be fined $30,000. That’s some real deal stuff. Normally, the city complains and you get a fine or something, or they take your house away from you, something like that. Robin’s house is so foulsome they want to bulldoze it and possibly set it on fire to kill the demons that live within. You know it’s bad if people from Calcutta were to come to see it and their response would be, “Yeah, I don’t want to live there. It’s kinda grody. There’s a funk.” That’s a good standard to use. Here’s the sign in the window.

Brief diversion: Robin’s father is named Festus and her brother is named Snuffy. Festus and Snuffy.

Diversion over. During the cleaning process, the cleaning people found a myriad of horrors. Mainly extremely deceased cats. Visit https://garrettsmaintenance.com/residential/ professional cleaning services.

Dead Cat #1.

Dead Cat #2.

Dead Cat #3 – now with mummification!

The worst thing of all was by far the poop closet. Oh God, the poop closet. I will not show you any pictures of the poop closet, but the backstory is her plumbing hasn’t worked in ten years, so she’s been doing her business in supermarket bags and then tossing the bags in the stairwell. Ten years’ worth of bags. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I’ll hear voices, and they’ll say, softly, “…poop…closet…”

The episode ends in a very unfinished way, the city inspector came and even though the house was very clearly rotting, he didn’t specifically say that it needed to come down. Which I think is bullcrap. I want to know if they really did demolish her house. A&E doesn’t have any further information on her. I hope they’ll do a follow-up episode or something. Many people now benefit from the time savings they get from having a professional home cleaner in Blackpool.

Update on 9/19/2010: They tore Robin’s house down and fined her $10,000. I am pleased. Seriously, her house was like the most unsafe dwelling ever, aside from building your house on the tippity-tip of Niagara Falls.

A variety of things.

Friday, September 10th, 2010

Here is a poster of weird cat things that made me smile, because if you know anything about cats, you know that this is all accurate representations of their idiosyncrasies and weirdness.

Here is a poster of mustaches…but wait! They’re typefaces! Brackets, in fact. Dee-lightful.

And finally, a website called Oddly Specific. Which is exactly what it is. Here, I’ll show you.

Renaissance Fair.

Friday, September 10th, 2010

About 45 minutes from my apartment is the New York Renaissance Fair. Or the RenFair, as we called it growing up. Cricket had never been, and I hadn’t been since in a decade, so I thought, hey, let’s go pretend we all live in Ye Olden Tymes without those pesky details like complete lack of hygiene and sewage running free in the streets. Now that I have gone, I feel comfortable not going again for another decade.

Many of these photos are mine, but a bunch more are pulled from the internet. So thank you, Internet, for sharing thy bounty with me, prithy and forsooth and all that good stuff.

The RenFair takes place in a forest in upstate-ish New York. They’ve actually built a wee little Elizabethan village there.

And many people come in costume. Some are in period-appropriate costumes, but we did see one guy who was dressed as a Storm Trooper in a kilt.

As we came in, there was a cool bell apparatus on the side. A spooky guy wearing a full-body catsuit and a winged gold mask played the bells using a complicated pulley system.

Cricket was super-exited to try mead, which is a kind of wine, and a turkey leg, which is a famous RenFair food. They are advertised all over the place.

Just so you know, the food at RenFair is depressingly expensive. Turkey leg? $7.50. Funnel cake? $6.00. And this peeved me no end – pickle? $3.00. THREE DOLLARS for a cucumber soaked in salty herb-y water. What do those ingredients cost, like, seven cents, max? Oh, that really bakes my cookies.* Here’s a picture I found when they were only two dollars for a pickle, back in the good old days.

Please note the delightful skull-and-crossbones painting on the end of the barrel. There are a great many hand-painted signs all over the RenFair. Some are extremely well-painted:

Some are not well-painted:

And some are painted with totally unnecessary apostrophes.

Belly Dancer’s WHAT?!?? I feel like I’m missing something. I find it fascinating when people use punctuation where it’s absolutely not necessary at all.

There are a ton of women in costume there. I think many look forward to dressing up in interesting garb, like these women (note the peacock feather lashes which match the purse, FIERCE):

But I think the vast majority of the women just like the opportunity to dress up as the local village concubine with their corseted mammaries shoved up and out.

I’m all for hoisting your petards if you got ’em, but sometimes it’s a bit ridiculous-looking. Like when you get armpit cleavage.

Or this lady in charge of the camel rides who had the word ” T I P S ” written across her chest. Dear Lord, woman, your cups runneth over.

We saw a whole bunch of different shows throughout the day, jugglers and jesters and gymnasts, but my favorite was (surprise!) the birds of prey. But first, the parrots. The parrots were in a huge enclosure near the birds of prey. You paid two dollars (which went to the maintenance and upkeep of the parrots, so I was totally fine with that) and you got to wander around with the parrots and there were friendly little bunnies that the parrot-owners had adopted hopping around eating grass bits. I was very happy.

Right outside that area was the falconer guy with the birds of prey. He shared four with us that day. The first one was a Harris Hawk, which I didn’t take any pictures of because I was too busy staring at Bird #3, which was a Eurasian Eagle Owl named Buddaka.

The second bird was a Black Vulture named Igor, and I managed to snap one or two shots of Igor. Still totally paying attention to the owl.

After Buddaka, there was an Andean Vulture. This particular andean vulture weighs 22 pounds and has a ten-foot wingspan. She was a monster. She looked like a demonic wild turkey. I, of course, loved her.

And that was pretty much it. We watched some jousting on horses, ate some more, and went home.

*Cookies? $5.50.

Addendum: Snorth requested an animation of the two first pictures of the owl, and I am nothing if not amenable.

Why I like Great Britain.

Sunday, September 5th, 2010

1. In London, the museums are subsidized by the Queen, meaning no entrance fee. Do you hear me? They are free to get in. The museums in New York cost between $10 and $25 to get in, but in London, free. And these aren’t crappy museums neither. Have you been to the Victoria and Albert Museum? Here’s the info off of their website:

The V&A is the greatest museum of art and design, a world treasure house with collections of fabulous scope and diversity. The Museum holds over 3,000 years worth of artefacts from many of the world’s richest cultures. Choose one of the collections below to explore in detail, or use our award-winning search of over 1,000,000 works.

Oh, I get tingly just reading that. When I was there last they had the winners of that year’s children’s book illustrators on display. I melted into a puddle on the floor. I then considered sneaking into the basement and living there for eternity, but the lack of sushi prevented me from making that choice.

2. Dormice. They are endangered, so in South Wales they built a dormouse bridge over a busy street so they don’t get squished. By the way, “dormouse” is not a misspelling of “doormouse”. The “dor” part comes from the French word for sleep, “dormir”. These fellas go into hibernation in the winter, and are insanely cute about it while doing so. Here are some pictures I found on the web.

3. Recently I saw some BBC animations that caused me to giggle in my workplace and made my co-workers express concern for my mental health. This was my favorite one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qi2kaDzGh9A

The Zucchini Festival.

Thursday, August 19th, 2010

I went to Massachusetts to The Zucchini Festival. A festival! Devoted to zucchinis! Hurray!

On route to the gaiety I saw a man shining up his ancient vehicle. Check out the wooden spokes.

And then lovely, hand-made zucchini signs informed you of all the important things like times and locations.

There were also signs peppered all over telling you important facts.

I got up very early because I knew the day began with the Pet Parade. People take their pets and decorate them to look like zucchinis and then parade them down a tiny, short street and prizes are given at the end. I couldn’t miss that. I got to meet some great beasties. First I met a dachshund who was totally rockin’ the look. It wasn’t hard for him, being all elongated-squash-shaped and all.

Then there was a goat, painted green, in a cage filled with leaves.

Large woman with tiny chihuahua? Check.

Herding dog with creepy blue eyes dressed as a zucchini flower? Check.

The dog’s name is Ellie, and she was lovely and super-psyched to be wearing a costume. You could almost hear her. “Look at me, I’m a flower! See me? Flower! Oh boy! Flower flower flower!” etc.

Cooper, I learned, loves to carry things in his mouth. So he carried his little identification sign around with him all day.

There was also a three-legged poodle…

…a baby goat…

…a half-corgie, half-irish setter wearing a old futon mattress…

…and two girls who are members of 4-H and brought some delightful companions with them, two of which were Pig-ccini and a lion-head rabbit. An award-winning lion-head rabbit, I’ll have you know.

There was also Stephanie the cat. Poor Stephanie. Clearly this was the backstory: a three-year-old boy told his parents that he wanted to be in the pet parade, in a wagon, with his beloved cat by his side. The parents, being high on crack or something, decided this would be a good idea. So Stephanie the cat was placed in a wagon adorned with antlers and a dried crocodile skull (you see them on the front there), had a leash put on her, and sat there while this young feller aggressively pet her. She so clearly did not want to be there, AT ALL. You know that night she barfed in each and every one of her owner’s shoes. And rightfully so, I would add. I would do the same thing had I been in her place. Hork away, Stephanie, hork away.

Leading the pet parade was the Master of Ceremonies, with his festive hat and his ornately-decorated golf cart and his bullhorn.

Once the parade was over, the fun was not done. Oh no. There were all these vendors selling things ( I bought Cricket a t-shirt and I bought myself zucchini relish and zucchini bread). Here’s a list of some of the other fun things they were doing.

The nice 4-H girls live with their parents on a farm, and aside from bringing the green goat in the cage, the pig and the rabbit, they set up a petting zoo with heirloom chickens, two geese, a flock of the sweetest sheep from Turkey, two ponies and my cow. I clearly called it “my” cow because I love this cow. Really. My favorite picture of the day is a girl with a skull painted on her face feeding my beloved cow. I want to live with this cow.

By the way, the MC was not the only person wearing a zucchini-themed hat. Ooooh no.

People were bringing their gigantic monster-zucchinis to be weighed and entered into a competition, and this guy, who reminded me of Alton Brown, was in charge of the weighing area.

I walked, I ate, I talked to people, I talked to their dogs, the whole thing was wonderful. I don’t know what my schedule holds for next year, but if I’m free, I’m going again. It’s a hoot.

I am accomplishing things, and it feels goooood.

Saturday, August 7th, 2010

Today, I cleaned up the apartment which had become a wee bit slovenly. I then finished up some art projects and I figured I would share one with you. This is a purse I painted for a client about a year ago, and it was supposed to be a surprise gift, so I didn’t post any pictures of it, in case the client read my blog. But a year has gone by, so I think I’m safe.

This was the design on the very first bag I painted six years ago, and the original looked like this:

As you can see, in the new purse, I did some slightly different variations on the stars. It’s subtle, but I think it’s an improvement. My co-worker always says, “Don’t make changes just to make it different. Make changes to make it better.”