Seriously, I have a great many charts. I feel the need to share them with you now.
I got mad charts, yo!
September 23rd, 2011West Indian Day Parade.
September 21st, 2011Cricket and I went against everyone’s better judgement and toddled off to the West Indian Day Parade in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. And guess what? Nothing happened. I didn’t get shot. Cricket didn’t get shot. Frankly, it was a little boring. I imagine it’s more exciting if you feel some attachment to the islands represented. But I captured a few cool moments on my camera which I will share with you now.
The most important thing there, in my opinion, was this chihuahua who was sitting on this woman’s shoulder right in front of me. Totally underwhelmed by the proceedings going on around him.
There didn’t seem to be much structure to the parade. There were giant trucks with massive generators on them that would roll on by and music would be blasting out of the speakers. People were standing on or around the trucks, but they didn’t do specific choreographed moves or anything. They just walked alongside it. The weirdest one were these two people on the first truck to pass us by. The guy was yelling into a microphone, but the woman was in this backwards crouched pose. She wasn’t dancing or even moving. She looked like she thought the truck was excessively dirty and she didn’t want her pristine white costumed butt touching it. Or perhaps someone told her they would kill her whole family if she didn’t stay in that position for the whole parade. It looked uncomfortable, being frozen like that.
The one thing that was amazing was the costumes. There were all kinds, but the uniting thread between all of them was bright colors and feathers. Many birds are now bald and have to wear sweaters because of this parade. Sometimes feathers were all the ladies were wearing. This was probably the smallest costume I saw. Ribbons, feathers and glitter. That’s it.
It seemed like there could be any theme to the costumes. There was Mardi Gras (or Venice, depending on who you’re talking to):
Native Americans:
Greek motifs like the helmets and shields from “300”:
This woman’s headdress has an Thai feel to it:
And there were a bunch of people dressed like British colonists, with the white wigs and the triangle hats, but I was eating curried chicken and rice at that time and was unable to get a shot.
There were also quite a few people who looked like they made their own costumes, and some of them were fantastic. I can’t imagine how much time and work went into those. The best was the man with the gold carousel-type costume with the life-size dolls hanging off the four corners. That costume had wheels, it was so big (and probably heavy).
There was the one that looked like an African shield with peacock feathers around the perimeter:
There was the unfortunate person dressed as a giant red flower who needed someone to walk in front of them and guide them down the street:
But my favorite was this guy. I cannot for the life of me figure out what’s going on here. I feel like he’s going to rob me with the bandanna over his face, but then he looks like a bat…with hearts all over his wings? Is this a thug homage to Alice in Wonderland? Cricket had no idea either.
A group of men walked by celebrating what I can only construe is the Ripped Ab and Pectoral Society of Gentlemen.
Chihuahua is unimpressed.
Oh, and there were stilt kids.
The one thing at the parade that really took me by surprise was the dancing. I’ve seen a lot of dancing in my day, but nothing like this. Women would stand in the middle of the street, bend over at the waist until their fingertips were touching the ground, and any random guy would come up behind them and grind up on them something fierce. Maybe he would call his friend in and his friend would start humping on her facial area, thereby creating a “train”. In the middle of the street, people. In full view of everybody. At one point I turned to Cricket, and without a shred of humor said, “Is no one thinking of the children?!?!!” And then I clutched my pearls and fainted. Here’s a picture of the “dancing” happening on the sidelines.
Now that I’ve gone, I don’t think I need to go again. It was hella-crowded and it took forever to get there from the suburbs where I’m at, so perhaps if it was broadcast on TV I would watch it, but otherwise I’ll just stay home and craft like I normally do.
Mirror. Now with Vitamin C.
September 15th, 2011I have a window display case here at work and it had been up for two years with the same art. I got tired of staring at it every day, and the elements were getting dusty, etc. So starting in January, I began making all new stuff for the case. I pulled some pre-existing work from my past, but I incorporated new pieces as well. I made that mirror last time, this one:
And everyone was so excited!!! because they could check their hair and/or makeup in the hallway, so I felt obligated to make another mirror for them this time as well. This time I went with a sunburst using Diet Coke cans, Stop-n-Shop Diet Orange Soda cans (they have a great pattern on them), and Fanta cans. It’s a big hit. Here’s what the window looks like in its entirety:
And here’s the mirror.
You can’t appreciate it because it’s being lit by frosted fluorescent tubes, but in sunlight or incandescent light the cans shine in the most charming way.
Neenernator’s fish.
September 13th, 2011This last week SUUUUUUUUUUUUU…*pause for breath*…UUUUUUUUUUcked. Work just happened all up in my grill. Lotta fires to put out. I had to translate two ads into Hindi. Hey, guess what language I don’t know? If you guessed “Hindi” (or, frankly, “anything other than English, a bit of French and a smattering of Hebrew”), you would be correct. So a co-worker of mine who is Indian wrote it out for me and I built it letter by letter. Then, right before the meeting, they cut the Hindi ads because the people in the ads were Caucasian and OOPS no one had cared about the ads they provided me so all my work was for naught. And that was only one of a myriad – nay, a plethora of craptasks I was to accomplish. It’s been that kind of week.
Anyway, previous to this work hoohah, I went to visit Neenernator in New Jersey. I had bought her birthday and Christmas presents (I swear) but I couldn’t find them for the life of me, so when I arrived at Chateau Neenernator, I immediately took her out fish-shopping. I’ve talked about Neenernator’s fishtank before. To recap, Neenernator has a 110-gallon fish tank with a lovely collection of freshwater fishies, but lately it was a little bit sparce, being that the wee vibrant fish tend to die after a year or so and it had been a year or so, and I aimed to rectify the situation. I bought a whole bunch of neat fishies. I shall introduce them to you now.
There’s the two angelfish. They are clearly not the smartest fish, but they are very shiny so whenever I narrate their activities, I do it with a California-girl voice. “Omigosh, hiiii, yeah, we’re new here, I’m Caelyn, this is Alyssa…sorry, I didn’t hear you, I saw my own reflection in the glass…I’m sooooo pretty!” etc. Here’s a picture of one.
There’s the stripey fish. I call him Mr. Kissyface. I have no idea what breed of fish he is, but he is brownish and he has iridescent stripes on his very flat sides. And smootchy lips, hence the name choice. (By the way, I have no idea what Neenernator has named these guys. These are just the names I came up with that I call them.)
Now we get to the more-gooder fish. This guy has the best breed name ever. He is a short body flowerhorn. I am convinced that is a name from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, when they’re picking the names of the dragon they were going to do battle with. He’s a grumpy grumplepuss and would normally start drama with the other fish (the aquarium guy referred to him as “aggressive”) but he’s on the smaller side, and I think he is smart enough to realize that if he brings the ruckus, one of the fish that is double his size with bite off his already diminutive snoot.
Neenernator has blue lights in the tank that highlight the iridescent qualities of the fish, but this is what a short body flowerhorn looks like in regular light.
And finally, the piece de resistance, the teacup stingray. Yeah, you heard right, a teeny tiny stingray. There are ones that can live in freshwater, which I did not know. This guy is crazy precious, like a little doily that goes under your coffee cup, but also who likes to eat algae build-up off the walls of the tank.
And here’s a bunch of her fish hanging out in the same spot at the same time, which Neenernator managed to capture. That’s exciting, because normally they don’t do that.
I like television!
September 5th, 20111. I was watching Hoarders the other night, as I often do, and there was this woman on who I think upset me as much as the poop closet lady, but for totally different reasons. At the beginning of each episode, they often show family members explaining how the hoarding started. Often it’s that someone close to them died or they had an illness and it all got away from them, etc. This one was…different. The hoarder’s name was Lisa, and her daughter Ana told us that Lisa was an artist and was social, but her husband abused her and forced her to give up her friends. Soon he insisted that she not make any art either. Lisa was left with no way to express herself, and her husband kept calling her a slob, so eventually she became one. Here’s where it gets not okay. Lisa channeled her creative energy into cooking, because that was the only outlet allowed by her husband, but she also expressed her rage through that. Here’s the icky part, kids: “My mom would lie about the ingredients in things, like saying something was apple pie, but it would be filled with raw chicken hearts…”
AAAAAAHHHHHHH.
“One day I opened the fridge to get some butter, and when I opened the butter container there was a dead dried-out squirrel, with his teeth all bared, looking at me. After that I no longer ate at at home.”
AAAAAAHHHHHHH.
There was also something about eating bugs in there, but I didn’t quite catch it. I assume it would have made me go AAAAAAHHHHHHH as well. I think this also the only episode I can think of where they recommended that Lisa go into a home. She was too damaged to ever recover, which is unfortunate. She seemed like before the decades of belittlement and abuse she was a real cool lady.
2. My neighbor K. recommended I start watching True Blood, and holy batpoop where has this been all my life? It’s sweaty Southern trash with smokin’ hot people workin’ out their problems, and oh, did I mention there’s vampires? Who are also hot and sweaty and Southern? It’s like the best soft core porn that ever was and ever will be. It’s cheesy and it ain’t apologizin’. LOVE IT. Except in the opening credits where the dead fox decomposes filmed with sped-up film, with the all maggots and whatnot. Other than that, great. Also (bonus), “Milton”/”The Boss from NewsRadio” is in season one and he’s a vampire who hooks up with another dude while “Eternal Flame” by the Bangles plays in the background. MAGIC, I tell you.
Mmmm, sleep cocoon.
September 1st, 2011My friend posted this on Pinterest, and apparently someone out there has upped the ante on the LoveCake game.
Hey, whoever did this cake? IT’S ON. I don’t know who you are, but the next time I make a cake, it will DESTROY you with its awesomeness. You done brought the clouds, so don’t be surprised when it rains. BOOYAH.
Anyway, I was looking on NotCot.org today, a website B. turned me on to, and I saw something someone invented for sleeping in weird places. Let me tell you something important about myself: I love sleeping. It might just be my most favorite thing ever. I refuse to let anyone sleep near me because I am unwilling to compromise my sleeping style (thrashing, pillow scrunching, snoring, etc.) And, on select occasions, I have been known to pass out face-down on my desk. Therefore, this product was made for me. What amuses me no end about it is how she looks like a molting pillbug who’s been on a bender for a while and is worse for wear. They need to work on how to make the sleep cocoon look less conspicuous than sleeping face-down on the desk. But, trust me when I say this, if this comes out in stores, I will be first in line to get it.
http://www.forrestjessee.com/198768/SLEEP-SUIT
I am a tool.
August 28th, 2011Hurricane / Tropical Storm Irene hit the East Coast last night, so I woke up this morning expecting to be surrounded by carnage. I looked out the window and – nothing. No puddles, no down branches, no people swimming to get groceries, nothing. A bunch of leaves on the ground, that’s it. So, I went on Facebook before checking everybody’s else’s status and wrote:
Which was a huge, huge mistake. Because then I saw this:
And this:
And this:
And this and this and this:
And I felt like a colossal douche. So let me make a formal apology: I didn’t think, I just looked out the window and assumed everybody had the same non-existent storm experience that I did. As we all know, assuming makes a hind-quarter out of you and me. So I am sorry. It won’t happen again.
A couple of things.
August 28th, 2011First of all, apparently we are all going to die as Hurricane Irene waltzes over the tri-state area, and the people who remain will have to rebuild civilization, so good luck to them. I’m going to share a few things and then go to bed and hope that all the old-growth trees around my apartment building do not uproot themselves and plunge through my window (which would totally bum me out). First:
A website called Winning at Everything. I believe it was started by the same people who made Regretsy, a favorite of mine. Here are a few choice selections.
And my personal favorite of all time:
The other thing I wanted to share I do with a heavy heart. As much as I have tried, I do not like Doctor Who. I don’t. The problem with that is many people who I enjoy being around and who’s opinions of things matter to me adore Doctor Who. Like, crazy obsessive adoration. And I cannot for the life of me get into it. I’ve watched all of Season One (Eccleston) and all of Season Two (Tennant) and I give up. I have a hard time getting into science fiction at the best of times. The science fiction on Doctor Who is so wacky and the special effects are so cheese-tastic – maybe that’s part of its charm, but it just makes me miss Firefly. I never liked Star Trek, I guess it’s like the same thing. Sigh.
Adore the theme song, though.
The LoveCake.
August 22nd, 2011Recently, I posted a picture of a cake that looked like this:
The preciousness of this cake, it slays me. I was inspired to make this for my mother’s birthday party (which was this past weekend). Here’s the problem: I have never baked a cake. I think I made some brownies in high school, and then I made some peach cobbler a couple years ago, and that’s it. So I have no prior cake knowledge to pull from. Here’s what I did in case you wish to make it for someone you love:
1. Buy Dr. Oetker’s Organic French Vanilla cake mix, vanilla frosting and rose pink food coloring. It has to be vanilla cake so it’s pale. This particular cake mix was the least synthetic of the mixes, and since I never bake I didn’t want to buy a ton of supplies I would never use again (flour, sugar, baking powder, etc.) If you want to make cake from scratch, more power to you. Just make sure it’s a pale-colored batter (no chocolate).
2. Get a myriad of 8″ springform baking pans. I just have one, so this took FOREVER. Try to have at least two. Borrow from friends. Whatever you gotta do.
3. Mix the batter in a big bowl. I used two boxes and their accompanying ingredients (eggs, milk, oil). Then take five identical bowls. Pour equal amounts of batter into the bowls. It should look like this.
4. Arrange them in a row. Put a whole bunch of food coloring at one end and no food coloring at the other end. Then, using miniscule amounts of food coloring, try to create a gradation from no pink to bright pink, like so:
5. Pour the lightest color into a pan and bake. Check frequently, almost obsessively to make sure it’s not turning brown. The edges can turn brown, but if the top starts to get any color, pull that sucker out right quick.
6. Take a knife and run it slowly around the edge of the pan. Pop the pan off. Then run a big ole bread knife underneath the cake until it separates from the base. Place on display thingie (I have a raised Martha Stewart cake display thingie, so that’s what I used). Use the bread knife to level the cake if it’s higher on one side, or poofy in the middle. Lightly frost with frosting.
7. Repeat with the next darkest level. Over and over and over until you hate cake and you want to punch cake in the face.
I also made my mother the adorable flag thing that was on top of the cake with her name on it. Here’s what it looked like when it was finished.
Then people cut into the LoveCake and surprise! It worked!
Since my camera is kinda average it looks like the two bottom stripes and the two middle stripes are the same color, but in real life it was a beautiful gradation. People were like OMG PINK CAKE STRIPES HOW DID YOU and I had to explain it to a variety of people and they all were impressed. So if you like to bake I recommend you make this because it will garner rave reviews. And it was tasty and delicious (bonus!).
Etsy goodness.
August 19th, 2011There is a website called Etsy that is a place for you to sell your artistic wares. Anyone can join and sell anything they make. Here’s the problem with that: anyone can join and sell anything they make. That means that a huge percentage of the things on there are lame. Not good, not bad, just utterly, completely meh. Thousands and thousands of crafters, selling the equivalent of macaroni and glitter on construction paper. Now, there’s a phenomenal website called Regretsy which focuses on the most crappity of crappity art on Etsy, but I am always wondering who is awesome on Etsy. So I made a folder on my desktop and over some time, I have assembled a small group of extremely talented people whose art you should check out as soon as possible.
Bunny X Productions
Polymer clay octopi with articulated limbs – and one is a zombie! Who could ask for more? I want a brain fob for my keychain.
The Royal Creature
Raku plant holders that look like monsters. I love the fact that the planter is the primary artistic element, as opposed to background element to the plants (as planters normally are). Number #3 is my favorite. “I’m gonna hug you!”
Papercuts by Joe
Hot diggety, this man knows his way around a knife. Would you look at that papercut of the building? I have mad respect for this man.
Justin Bagley
Glass + sea creatures = awesome. That’s it, people. Simple math.
Tiny World in a Bottle
Teeny-tiny paper sculptures in teeny-tiny bottles. I would wear them around my neck and any time I got bored, I would just stare into them and get lost inside.
Billyblue22
My favorite of all. Metal animal skulls and glass eye rings and all kinds of general awesomeness. Snorth owns a necklace by this guy and in person it is equally great. I haven’t decided which piece of his I’m going to buy, they’re all so beautiful.
