My spam and my hair. But not spam in my hair.

November 20th, 2007

1. I get quite a lot of spam comments on this site. Ummm, I think they’re trying to hawk medicine, maybe? I don’t know. It’s either written by someone from a foreign land (like Neptune) and they went through the New York Times and picked bits of sentences they thought were pretty, or perhaps some people were playing a game of Madlibs while on Xtasy. I actually took time out of my busy schedule to try and read this, and then I was like “whatever” and deleted it. But it bothers me still. A little. Not much.

2. My hair. I have had the same haircut since I was eleven which is: some semblance of “long”, one-length hair tied back in a ponytail. That’s it. The “long” part has varied over time (down to the small of my back, brushing my shoulders, etc.) but it has always been one length tied back in a ponytail. Then last year I thought, “Bangs! Bangs will add excitement to my mundane existence! Wheee!” Then I did requisite research in Us Weekly and People magazine and found a style of bang I liked, tootled off to the hair-hacker and got me some bangage. My hair wants to curl up and frizz, so on mornings when I don’t give a rat’s patoot about dealing with hair I put on a headband, but when I feel like attempting prettiness, I try to wrestle my bangs into prettitude using water and straighteners and wax and slime and bee armpits and whatever other hair products I’m told will fix this. Those who are looking for a hair loss solution may try Batana products. To keep your dreadlocks clean and moisturized, make sure to use hair oil for dreads.

If I don’t use much goonk, it does this little peppy flip at the end, so I look like a Farrah Fawcett rollerderby Xanadu wannabe, and if I use heaps of goonk, I look like something between a drowned cat and Adolf Hitler. The next person who gives me helpful hints on my appearance will receive a detailed description of “that time I thought it would be a good idea to get bangs” plus a kick in the shins to punctuate the tale.

P.S. Another reason I got bangs is that I have a big ole pale forehead (it’s so big, it’s a fivehead! Har har har!). Cricket likes to say it’s a “billboard they can read in Zimbabwe”. I grew weary of the giant white expanse so I thought instead of getting a tattoo on there (I was thinking M•O•M and an anchor), bangs would be the way to go. So technically they are serving their purpose, but they’re doing it so… not fashionably.

* Really. I’m not making that up.

The Chocolate Show.

November 16th, 2007

There was the chocolate show in New York this past weekend, and you can bet if they’re handing out chocolate, I’m going. So (surprise!), I went. It was a hefty and daunting entrance fee ($28) but I’m still glad I went. And now, a recap.First of all, I got out at 18th Street between 5th and 6th Avenues, which was one block over from the chocolate show. So I walked that one block and I was SO HAPPY. One that one block was a used-book store, a used CD-and-DVD shop, a printing shop (with a giant purple printing press!), several interior design shops with vases and furniture and other goodies, a children’s-book store and Cupcake Cafe. I don’t particularly care for the Cupcake Cafe’s cupcakes (too rich and sweet) but the way they decorate them is stunning. Here is an example I found online.

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What a marvelous block o’ Manhattan. I must investigate it more when I have the time. On to the chocolate show. It was packed. I must have touched and been touched by a hundred people. But, whatever, chocolate.

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As you come in you see these chocolate sculptures. Do you see that egg-shaped chocolate with white chocolate decoration? I couldn’t help thinking it looked like Homer Simpson when he says, “Mmmmmm, doughnuts,” and drools.

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See? See what I mean? And now I’ve ruined that sculpture for you forever. You can thank me later.

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Bloomsberry & Co. had one of the best booths. As you can see, they designed it to look like a living room. I didn’t taste their chocolates, but I can say their boxes were brilliant. Whoever is their designer needs a big smootch for the boxes. Here were some of my favorites:

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Bloomsberry & Co. Check them out if you have the chance.

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There was a lot of chocolates that looked like this. So pretty you almost don’t want to eat them. Almost.

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Look! Little chocolate animals! So cute!

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This was a Japanese booth called Mary’s, based in Tokyo. They made the most insane green tea confections. Funny story, sort of: The very nice Japanese man gave this small child a sample of the green tea niblet. Now, I don’t know if you know this, but green tea can be kind of bitter. And this niblet had green tea powder all over the outside. So the child did precisely what you would expect her to do – put the niblet in her mouth, make a face like someone gave her earwax to eat, then stuck her tongue out and let the green tea niblet fall to the floor. I could have told Japanese Confection-Making Guy that that was a bad idea, but I guess in Japan they’re used to the flavor of green tea. Hey, more niblets for me!

Then they had an area with the chocolate fashion show. This I don’t get. You want to cover yourself with a food item that melts with your body tempurature and is oily, stain-y and sticky? And at no point do you eat it? I iz confoozed. Also, the fashions were bah-heinous. I mean, super-ugly. Here are some samples of clothes I would not wear if given to me as a gift with a check for a large amount of money tucked into the sleeve.

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Arr, that be some craptacular garb these mannquins be sportin’. I don’t think I’ll go again next year (did I mention the $28 entrance fee?) but it’s worth checking out once.

In case you’ve been wondering…

November 15th, 2007

… I have not forgotten to post artwork I’ve been working on. I’m just in the middle of trying to buy an apartment and it takes up all your time. Not some, not a little, ALL. ALL your time. So I haven’t had much of a chance to really bang out anything in the last two weeks. Oh, but just you wait, I’ll be posting arty-goodness before you know it.

Frog’s wedding.

November 15th, 2007

I got a phone call in Mid-October. “Hey!” said my super-longtime friend Frog (we’ve been friends since she was eleven and I was twelve). “I’m getting married to Tex!” I was delighted. And then she sprang an interesting tidbit.
“Would you like to be my bridesmaid?” She said.
“Sure!” I said.
“Good, the wedding is in three weeks.” Frog said.
“…” I said.

But luckily she wasn’t doing that whole crazy matching bridesmaid dress thing, and I was actually the only bridesmaid in the whole wedding party, so no biggie. She gave me some color options and all went well. It was a delightful wedding. Call Cynthia Lissau, M.S., LPC, LMFT for marriage counseling Roanoke.

If you and your partner are navigating through challenges or simply seeking to strengthen your bond, consider exploring couples counseling Seattle for support and guidance.

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Awww. Look at Frog in that picture. Doesn’t she look beautiful? I’m the purple creature with the sunflower bouquet. While this is a lovely wedding moment, I included it especially because of the groom’s hair. Yeah, that looooooong brown tail hanging out of the back of his head? That’s his hair. He can floss his butt with that thing.

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The wedding took place at a mill in Pennsylvania (note mill-wheel in background). Actually, it took place in the heart of mushroom-growing country. This had me concerned. You know what mushrooms grow in? No, not poo, that would be too easy. They grow in compost, which is hot bacterial poo. And it smells mighty ripe. And this was an outdoor wedding. However, I was assured that mushroom season was over and indeed, the wedding smelled terrific.

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The bride sported white combat boots. The piece of blue mylar was the “something blue” that brides are required to have. It’s some kind of joke between Frog and Tex. I was too lazy to find out what that joke is.

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Dy, my favorite guest. All the guests pretty much looked normal and boring, and then there was Dy. He was wearing a suit that was half-black and half-white and he had spiked his mohawk with a considerable amount of hair-glorp. The best part was the koala doll attached to the top of one of his mohawk points.

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You know, sometimes after a rousing round of dancing, one needs a Mountain Dew…

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… and some smoky treats. Nothin’ prettier then a bride hittin’ the cancer sticks, I’ve always said that.

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Okay, this was awesome. It was a Halloween/autumnal-themed wedding, and the cakes were Carvel cakes! With ice cream and Oreo crunchies inside! I’ve never been to a wedding with that before.

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Important note: When stuffing ice cream cake into your bride’s face, make sure none of the chilly ice cream falls into her cleavage, because then she makes this face, and later on she kills you and feeds you to the cats. Just so you know.

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Also, she wangs the cake into your mouth so you have white icing all over your mustache and you look like you just walked out of the bathroom in Studio54 with a mirror and a razor blade.

It was an excellent wedding. Lots of love and family and friends. All weddings should be like this.

A horribly delayed “The Police” Concert entry.

November 8th, 2007

This week has be cah-ray-zee. I’m trying to buy an apartment (we will discuss this later when I actually have more information on it). And I’m trying to make product for my online store. And I’m trying to build my online store on the computer (soooo much more complicated then I anticipated, must leave lots of time for that). And I’m trying to move out of my beloved tiny Manhattan apartment. And I’m trying to do all these thing RIGHT NOW, which means I am running out of time for things like blogging and breathing and bathing. But enough with the complaining. The Police! I saw them at Madison Square Garden! And it was neat! I will give you a succinct review right now: Their music continues to be awesome, but because they are old (by punk standards), they don’t have the fire that is required to really bang that music out. I must say, though, that all three of them are consummate musicians and while I originally came to see Sting, the real star of the show was Stewart Copeland (the drummer). He was working the kettle drums and these wee chimes that go tingy tingy and a gigantic gong. He was spectacular. And the guitarist Andy Summer was also amazing, but he has the personality of wet dead fish, so however good he is, he is still difficult to watch. It was Halloween and it was no shocker he was dressed at Charlie Chaplin. Now he can use his costume as an excuse to not talk or really move around. Good choice. Sting was dressed at a harlequin with a yellow and black diamond pattern and a festive glittery codpiece, lest we forget his tantric eight-hour love-making sessions. Stewart was dressed as a zombie with an Egyptian headdress (a cobra I think) but since he kind of resembles a zombie to begin with, not much of a stretch there for him. And now the pictures.

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On every seat in the whole freakin’ arena (30,000 seats) they put masks on each armrest. Because it is Halloween. Isn’t that nice?

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Close-up of the mask. You can’t appreciate it in the photo, but it’s a sparkly holographic mask. Oooooooh.

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They has some of the best lighting design for this show. They had lights all around the edge of the oval stage and then lights that moved up and down behind them. And, AND, they had the required screens so people in the nosebleed section could see Sting’s face. Underneath that they had another screeny thing that projected patterns. It this particular picture you can see the 80’s style lighting they chose to open with.

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In this picture you can truly appreciate how dead Stewart Copeland looks. He’s on the screen on the left.

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And then they had lights! Lights all over the audience! Whee! Lots of lights! Can’t remember what song this was for, but it worked with the big white lights flashing all over the arena.

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And then they sang “Roxanne.” The lighting designer heard the phrase, “You don’t have to put on the red light” and all he heard was RED LIGHTS! LOTS OF RED LIGHTS! The photo above is only the beginning.

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TURN ON THE RED LIGHTS! TURN ON THE GODDAMNED RED LIGHTS, ROXANNE!

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Then Sting took off his harlequin mask and sang “Every Breath You Take” which is my favorite song from the 80’s and one of my favorite songs of all time. And it was LAME. You need a certain sexy psycho stalker vibe going on when you sing that song, and Sting is old and has like ten kids and he’s over the stalker crazy thing, so he sang the song like a stinkin’ lullaby. I was sad. And that was the end of the concert. I would say it was good and I would recommend that you go because the three of them are amazing musicians, but don’t expect the same fire and vigor that they had in their heyday. But worth going to.

Four totally unrelated items.

October 31st, 2007

1. I was driving this weekend to Expo, the Home Depot design center (fancy tiles, rugs, curtains, etc.) and I drove past Walter’s in Larchmont, NY. It is a Chinese-style building from 1919 that sells… hot dogs. And all the wealthy locals drive up in their Lexii and line up for the hot dogs. Cricket and I just had to try it out. Because I avoid meat (I’m not a die-hard vegetarian, but I make an effort) Cricket got a hot dog and I got potato puffs (fried mashed potatoes, like little croquettes). And we got sweet spuds to share (tempura-battered sweet potato sticks). I can only comment on the tuber-foods, but the potato puffs were excellent and the sweet spuds were delicious, melt-in-your-mouth good. I don’t know if I would drive all the way to Larchmont just to relive the experience, but if I passed by there and I was hungry, I might partake in the deliciousness once again. Now, photos.

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2. Not like anyone doesn’t know this, but there are crazy people in New York. Lots of them. And many of them have so very much to share. They desperately want to tell you about how the aliens planted a probe and now they know the truth about 9/11 and Iran because they can hear the government’s thoughts. One lady handed me a piece of paper with tiny tiny writing on it about… something, her mother being raped in the seventies and pictures of her mother’s driver’s license, I couldn’t figure it out. There’s another guy who hangs out in Midtown with big placards, maybe seven of them, just COVERED in text about how he invented the cooling thing in the refrigerator and how the patent was stolen from him and how he is owed 25 billion dollars. Well, in my neighborhood, I have my local crazy. He posts collages of stuff with his comments written on them. I don’t know if this makes me a bad person, but all I can think of when I see them is, “He may be kookoobee, but he’s got lovely penmanship.”

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3. There’s this poster you see around town for a food thing. It’s a woman, all seductive-like, posing with a crawfish on her shoulder. Here’s the problem: the crawfish has little eyeflaps, like little eyelids, that curve down in the center and make him look really really angry. So the picture is of woman cooing to this furious crawfish.
“I think you’re handsome.”
“I AM FILLED WITH RAGE!”
“Your claws are sooo sexy.”
“IT IS LIKE A FIRE THAT CONSUMES ME!!!”
I think perhaps they should have picked a different food item to rest on her shoulder. Prawns look pretty benign, although a little surprised (“HUH?!??”). Here is a picture of the ad.

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And here is a close-up of Livid Crawfish.

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It probably doesn’t help that he looks like a demonic alien to begin with.

4. Update on the hideous rat ornament: It now has a bandanna and dreadlocks. I don’t think it’s helping.

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Now it’s just a rastafarian nightmare. I can’t wait for Halloween to be over.

P.S. Tonight I’m seeing The Police in concert at Madison Square Garden. Oh, this is so exciting!

More tile ads and a truly hideous Halloween ornament.

October 26th, 2007

1. I did some nice-looking ads for NewCastleNOW. I’m particularly proud of my JV Volleyball one. It looks like an ad you’d see on Yahoo or Amazon. I’m a professional graphic designer, like the big boys! I can go on the big slide!

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I’m also pleased with my banner ad for the sneaker drive. The only concern I have with it is all the text on it. People, if you’re reading this site and I build ads for you, please remember that these tile ads are small. Really small. Super-wee-small. If I put a whole paragraph of 6 point text on there it will cause your viewers to squint and say to their spouses, “Spouse, can you read this to me?” And the spouse will say, “Get up and get your glasses, what do I look like, your servant?” and then your viewer will get up, not noticing the internet cord on the floor and they will trip over it and hit their head on the bookshelf and get a nasty bump on their head and hate your website forever. Just something to think about.

2. I walk to work every day. I was walking past Ricky’s on 57th and was startled by this atrocious Halloween decoration.

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I assume it’s supposed to be a rat. I’ve seen rats often in my travels around Manhattan, and while I can understand why some people don’t like them, they’re not revolting. They’re kind of big-butted and they snuffle around trash heaps looking for nibbles and keeping to themselves. This thing, first of all, is really big. It’s three feet tall. And it looks like a sloth mated with a tazmanian devil and their offspring fell into a vat of nuclear waste mixed with thalidomide. If I was seven and tromping around my neighborhood gathering sweeties and I sauntered up onto a porch with this displayed on it, I would run screaming from the house and develop an unhealthy and irrational fear of large-assed rodents (That includes beavers and porcupines). Trauma for years to come. So while a fan of most Halloween beasties (and real rats), this particular specimen is wretched.

I drewed a cumpass. Is good and rownd.

October 19th, 2007

I just created a compass in Illustrator and Photoshop for a client, and gosh-darnit if I’m not pleased with myself. After I’m done using it for this project, I’ll have to find some other use for it in some other project. Be prepared to see it crop up somewhere.

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I love Halloweentime. Cannot get enough of owls. (And partridges. And butterflies.)

October 17th, 2007

Even the fancy-shmancy stores have halloweeny beasties in their displays. For example, I walked past Maison du Chocolat in Rockefeller Center the other evening and they had a chocolate pumpkin with a little chocolate moonscape complete with a cutie owl! I was so pleased. I didn’t get one because I didn’t feel like selling a kidney off for some chocolate, but I took a picture.

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I’ve been cranking jewelry like it’s going out of fashion for the online store. I’ve made a selection of jewelry with partridges. They’ve got little eggs in them, it’s quite sweet. And butterflies. Here’s a teaser picture to give you an idea.

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The birds have little Swarovski crystals for eyes. The butterflies are going to get some too. There will be better pictures when I put them up in the store. I’m very excited about them. More cool patterns to come, so keep an eye out!

You ‘member the Bloomsburg Fair? ‘Member that?

October 15th, 2007

A few posts a-previous, there was an entry on the Bloomsburg Fair. I briefly mentioned the deep-fried festival of food there. Here’s another picture I took at the fair.

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I told quite a few people about the plethora of fried goodness, often involving a stick, as in “______ on a stick”. My favorite one on that list being sold at the fair? Pumpkin cheesecake on a stick. Snorth once told me of a fair that had deep-fried spaghetti and meatballs on a stick, and Lord knows I looked for it at this fair (how do they get the spaghetti not to fall off the stick? Does the stick have little prongs emerging at intervals? I have questions.) I didn’t find anyone selling it. I truly thought I had explored all the variations of stick-food. I was wrong.

http://www.lastappetite.com/french-fry-coated-hotdog/

Koreans are all about pushing the envelope there, corn-dog-wise. I’m impressed.

On a vegetarian-turning note, my friend went to Thailand and they had chick on a stick. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Baby chicks, fluffy bits and all, rammed onto a stick and deep-fried. I have a rule about my food: I actively dislike when I can identify it. Like when I receive prawns with antennae and legs and whatnot at a restaurant, I have to turn them around so they are not facing me and cover their eyes with a lettuce leaf so they’re not looking at me. A deceased chick with its beak and feet sticking out at odd angles would fall smack-dab into that category. *Shiver*.