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I just went on a business trip! Like an adult! I went to Atlanta for a total of 22 hours. So before you even think to ask me, “Hey, did you go to the-” unless the next words are “the Sheraton near the airport” or “the airport,” then no, that was the extent of my exciting visit to ATL. I had never been there before and I learned a few things during my time there. One, sweet tea. It’s big. So is fried chicken and biscuits. Up here in the New York emphasis is not placed as high on those food items, but down there it’s like the core basics. The most important thing that came to my attention during my almost-an-entire-day stay in Hotlanta was how unerringly friendly and gracious and chatty people are. And, more importantly, how much I hated it. Oh, I hated it so much. I’ll explain. I have lived in the New York area my whole life, and the way things work up here is if someone is having a long, one-sided conversation with you in the middle of the street, there’s a solid chance that person is not right in the head and you should move away, slowly. Down southerly, people share. Really share. It reminded me of this commercial.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffUDDYYIX04

I’ll give you some examples. At the airport (almost all these examples will involve people at the airport since that’s mostly where I was, but I imagine this is a universal trait) there was a woman herding us into two left and right rows. Simple, right? Here’s what her soliloquy should have been:

“People walking in this direction, please move to the left! People walking in this direction please move to the right! Thank you for your cooperation!”

Fin.

Here’s what it was:

“People, c’mon now! I know y’all can hear me! If you’re goin’ this way, move to this side of the hallway! If you’re going that way, move to that side of the hallway! I should be the only person in the middle! Well, hello Captain, I bet you’re glad to be on the ground. Did you see that game, I couldn’t get over *some complicated sports reference that I did not understand.* Have a blessed day now, y’all. I don’t understand people sometimes. I know y’all have educations, it’s simple, just step to the side I’m pointin’ to. *to a co-worker* Sometimes I really rely on the power of prayer to get me through this job. Wow, that’s a cute baby. How old is he? My goodness, mine turned…”

I had walked out of earshot at that point, but I’m positive she had kept talking. I assumed she was a bit wonky and brushed it off. Then I got to the hotel, checked in, and went down to the conference room by myself to set up the laptop, projector and speakers. There I met the AV guy. He came in and asked me if I needed anything. I smiled at him, said I did not and thanked him for looking in on me. He then proceeded to talk about the Metro-North train crash, the fact that both his college-age daughters visited him this Thanksgiving, his last visit to New York and how much his five-bedroom house cost eight years ago compared to the real estate market in New York (it cost $290,000, it’s on a cul-de-sac). DUDE. I’m trying to get ready for a rehearsal meeting in fifteen minutes. The president of my company will be there. This is not happy conversation time. Shush yourself. Later on a hotel attendant came in and commented on these red carpeted walls we travel with to show boards on. “What are those?” he asked enthusiastically. I stepped up to the plate and explained them to  him, how they fold down accordion-style, etc. He said he would love those in his home, it’s decorated completely in red and black, those are his favorite colors. I felt like he was waiting for some kind of, “Oh, really? My favorite colors are green and blue, but I mainly use neutral tones in my home decor,” and then we could have talked forever and ever until our mouths dried up or we used up all the oxygen on earth, whatever final outcome he was looking for. I just smiled at him and kept working, refusing to engage.

The meeting happened early in the morning, everything went smashingly, we all got in cars and went to the airport. I was standing in the security line where you strip off your metal stuff and get scanned. We were in three lines, and this time a man was herding us. This is, word for word, a chunk of what he said.

“Alright, y’all, the only thing you should have in your hand is your cell phone. We won’t need boarding passes or identification after this point for a while. Sir, you’re wearing a Saints shirt, I’m really hopin’ for them to lose in the next game. Now, everybody turn your head to the right. See that man holding up that line there with the buckets? He should have taken off his belt in here. We don’t want you to yank your belt out like Zorro, you might hit someone. Take your time, take it off here. Only vital blingy-bling, like tooth fillings. Take off everything that is metal. After you get past the security, you can get a snack. Last trip I took, I brought a whole rack of ribs on the plane. Wooo, the whole plane was mad. I was goin’ to Korea, and when I took out them ribs and all that maple and bourbon smell filled up the plane, people were so mad. But whatever. I had ribs.”

First of all, shut up shut up shut up. Secondly, what jerk-face takes a rack of ribs on a long international flight? It makes me think of Patton Oswalt’s piece on flying (from about 49:00 to 50:00 of this clip below):

http://youtu.be/7DkfbgA8224?t=49m23s

Then (oh, I bet you thought I was done, didn’t you?) I had to get to Terminal A to meet my co-workers for a post-meeting drink at the airport P. F. Chang’s. I asked a nice lady driving one of those beeping golf carts where Terminal A’s P. F. Chang’s was and she said, “Hop on, I’m going there!” So I got to ride on the fancy beeping airport golf carts, which was nice. What wasn’t nice was her non-stop jibber-jabber the way there. “I once ate an entire appetizer plate at P. F. Chang’s, but that was before I knew there were all those foods in the freezer section of my supermarket. Honestly, though, those freezer portions aren’t big enough-” HOLY CRAP WOMAN, CLOSE YOUR CAKEHOLE. WHAT PART OF MY BODY LANGUAGE SAID TELL ME ABOUT YOUR APPETIZER-BUYING EXPERIENCES AND YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THOSE APPETIZERS BECAUSE I WILL CHANGE MY CORPOREAL STATE TO WHATEVER MAKES YOU STOP TALKING.

I got on the plane and went to sleep. When I woke up, we were approaching LaGuardia airport. We landed and I went out into the terminal and Glory be to God! Everyone was a dick! No one made eye contact or smiled! I could have cried, I was so happy.

Long story short: If I’m not in your will, I do not want to hear your boring-ass stories. And I’d like to actually see the sights of Atlanta sometime.

P.S. I thought I was done complaining. Then I remembered something. I don’t take a lot of non-international flights, but are the seats really really small? I’m a Chubby Chubstein, but I swear when I was in the middle seat going to Atlanta my spare tire o’ fat was trying to eat the armrests on both sides. I couldn’t stop thinking of the video of the ravioli can getting consumed by lava. Here, an animated gif for clarity:

http://s.mlkshk.com/r/VTAB

It was ridiculous. If I had to fly all the time for work like some of the account people I know I would take a far greater interest in maintaining my physique only so I could fit in the tiny seats without feeling like I was wearing a corset of plane.

About a month and a half ago, I was hangin’ at the office, doing what I do, photoshopping out people’s under-eye bags and acne scars for documents we send to clients, and my boss contacted me and told me we were pitching something related to the NFL. The New England Patriots, to be specific. For those who are big fans of this team, they may be available for betting on pages like WSM Casino. Online casinos also offer a wide variety of slot games. There are various slot gacor games offering exciting rewards and thrilling gameplay that sports fans can enjoy. Check out mpo888 for exciting rewards and prizes!

Afterwards, he asked me if I was available to go to Foxboro, Massachusetts and photograph the Patriots at their stadium that weekend. I said, “Is there no one here who knows anything, literally, anything about football who can go, because I will get confused and take pictures in the bathroom the whole time?” But he said no, he wanted me. He asked me if I wanted anyone to go with me, and I said no because I cannot think of any friend of mine that would leap at an opportunity to drive with me for seven hours to go and sit in a cold stadium for five hours filled with tipsy sporting folk. Not a one. So on Sunday morning, I woke up before the sun came up (grrr), got in my car, and took I-95 to Foxboro. Where I then encountered stadium traffic.

Hey, fun fact I would have appreciated knowing beforehand: parking is $40.00 cash. I did not have $40.00 in cash on me when I arrived. Thus began my mad dash around to find an ATM, which eventually I did, and luckily I found a nearby spot so I could sprint into the stadium and catch the team doing stretches and drills (my boss specifically asked for photos of that). Here’s the stadium from my parking spot.

Before I got to the parking area, I took some photos of tailgaters. I was extremely concerned for my safety. My boss kept calmly saying things like, “Just let me know if you get arrested, we have money set aside for your bail and we’ll send someone up there to get you out.” I was like, what, are you sending me into Kabul, what the hell? And people were informing me that the Patriots fans are… enthusiastic, and when that enthusiasm is combined with beer, things happen. So when I was taking shots of the tailgaters, I was seriously worried that they would whip a battery at me or something. I have never been in a fight so I don’t know correct fighting protocol and would probably screw it up. Luckily, nothing happened. Everyone was perfectly nice.

I learned a lot that day. Did you know there’s a whole social event going on underneath the seating area? There’s stores and bars and sometimes mascots, all kinds of things. It’s extremely well-laid-out.

I asked a nice man where my seat was, and he pointed to a giant walkway.

I took that all the way up for forever and ever. My seat, had it been one row further back, would have been outside the stadium. Nosebleed indeed.

As I was walking up, I was taking pictures of every branded bit of whatever could find. And then I was stopped by security guards and had to explain my lamey-lame reason (“Ummm, we’re pitching a client, and we need pictures of NFL players, specifically this team, sooooo here I am”).If you would like to like to bet on sports games or play various online casino slots, you may use this joker123 login. Those who are planning to try other sports like archery, look for a shop that offers high quality equipment and gear like a bow string.

Before the game, I was told to take pictures of The New England Patriots warming up. The New England Patriots, got it? Here’s the problem – the Buffalo Bills were wearing blue and white, while the New England Patriots were wearing white and blue. The outcome: I took pictures of the wrong team for a good fifteen minutes.

When I got back, my co-workers scoffed at me and said why didn’t I look at the logos on their helmets? First of all, I was sitting a million frikkin’ miles away. Two, I didn’t know what their logos were, and from a distance they kind of looked like this:

Really similar, even if I did know what I was looking at (I watch a great deal of nature programs, so I would like to think had I been closer I would have figured out the bison is a bison and then used the process of elimination). Once I figured out which team I was supposed to be photographing, it was about time for them to go back into their tunnels to get ready to make their entrance. I ran down two or three levels in order to position myself.

My boss asked for both video and photo of the Patriots coming out, so I assumed that there would be some kind of build-up, like at ice hockey game so I could get my gear in order. Here’s an example.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HvIbJ0v_c4

Nope. Music started (“Crazy Train” by Ozzy) and they just ran out. I said something along the lines of “Holy crap!!” and snapped as many pictures as I could. I got a decent one that has the mascot in it too.

I noticed a giant coiled-up object in the corner and I could not for the life of me figure out what it was.

Since this was Veteran’s Day, this object was carried out by all manner of military members, and eventually I figured out that it was an enormous American flag. It took them a really long time to get it all the way out.

It looked great when it was all unfolded. I may have gotten some patriotic dust in my eye during the national anthem.

The man next to me could tell I was an out-of-touch tourist, so he informed me that following the national anthem, there would be “a fly-ovah”. And there was, the dumpiest plane I have ever seen. I’ve never seen a plane with a gut before.

After that there was the coin toss and during that I scuttled back up to my seat to take pictures of the scoreboard:

And the stadium in its entirety:

And fans reacting happily to various outcomes.

I liked some of the fan gear. These two people in particular.

I think my primary expression was, “Oh, I guess something just happened.” Here’s a problem that needs a resolution: In one endzone, it says Patriots. And in the other endzone, it says Patriots. You think maybe you can put Visitor in the other endzone so I know who’s scoring the touchdown kthx? In addition, there are Paul-Revere-looking guys standing near the endzones, I believe they are called Minutemen, and when something happens they fire muskets. No one told me there would be muskets firing. Those guns went BLAMBLAM-BLAM-BLAMBLAM and I immediately thought, “Now I’m going to die because Bane from The Dark Knight just took over the stadium and I am slow and therefore will be crushed by the panicked stampede of people attempting to get out,” but no one else reacted, so I looked around like, “No one else? No one’s leaving? O… kay, I guess it’s…. a football thing, then.”

The cheerleaders were fun. They did three costume changes. In the beginning, I suppose because it was Veteran’s Day, they came out in “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B” outfits.

They clumped up at one point and I couldn’t figure out what they were doing.

Then I looked at the screen. How delightful! Nice work, ladies.

After that they switched to typical-looking cheerleader outfits. I found myself clapping for their abs.

And finally, they came out in velour tracksuits.

They were excellent and I loved that their primary dance move was a hair flip. I’m not criticizing, they were amazing at it. Here’s some footage of them doing some of that, starting at 5:04:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3zEEAX1XME

Now I have been to an NFL game. I can cross that off my bucket list of things that were not on my bucket list.