Archive for the ‘Stuff’ Category

Maps.

Friday, May 15th, 2009

I was just doing work for, you know, work, and I had to find a map of the world that shows the continents clearly. So I typed in “world map” into Google and found what I was looking for (thank you Google). I also found this map from 450 B.C. of the world according to Herodotus.

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This isn’t a regional map, people. This is the WHOLE WORLD. Look at Europe. It’s just a sort of, “Yeah, Europe, it’s *vague hand gesture* up there… somewhere.” It totally reminded me of that famous New Yorker cover of how New Yorkers see the world.

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So, from 450 B.C. to 2009 A.D. = nothing has changed.

Fugly Wugly. Also Twinkly Winkly.

Monday, May 11th, 2009

I work in the costume jewelry district of New York, so on my way to work I pass a great deal of very large, very sparkly jewelry. I’ve grown quite accustomed to seeing a variety of stuff, but the other day I saw some pieces in a window that stopped me short. They were just SO big and SO sparkly… I mean, who buys this stuff? And wears it? And where is this place of the wearing of the mega-garish jewelry? It’s certainly nowhere I’ve ever been, and I’ve been to a variety of weird places, trust me.

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This are some big honkin’ chunks of vividly colored crystal. Yep.

A rolling spam gathers no spam.

Monday, April 6th, 2009

So I’ve returned and I’m going through my plethora of spam. My spam is apparently now less concerned with porn and Cialis and more concerned with letting me in on some little-known proverbs, bless their little spammy hearts.

1. It is a good horse that never stumbles. As welcome as water in one’s shoes. True coral needs no painter’s brush. http://concooord34.blog.com/ A fox is not taken twice in the same snare. Delays are dangerous. They must hunger in winter that will not work in summer.

2. Every bean has its black. Respect yourself, or no one else will respect you. If you throw mud enough, some of it will stick. http://crazybiik.wordpress.com An open door may tempt a saint. Better late than never. If you dance you must pay the fiddler.

3. Money begets money. What is done cannot be undone. Dog does not eat dog. http://crazybiik.wordpress.com It is enough to make a cat laugh. Between the cup and the lip a morsel may slip. Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.

Hmmm, intriguing.

Making movies and watching movies: Final Cut Pro and The Reader.

Friday, March 6th, 2009

You know what, I said I was going to talk about the dog show, but you know what, I’m not. My pictures didn’t really come out (that’s why I got a new camera), so maybe next year I’ll take my new camera there and take more betterer pictures and blog about it then. So no dog show this year. Sorry if I misled you.

I took a three-day class in Final Cut Pro, which is becoming the industry standard for film editing. I used to be surprised when I met people and asked them what programs they worked in, and they would say, “Final Cut,” and I would say, “What other ones?” and they would say, “Just Final Cut.” Now I get it. That program is ROBUST. It’s like a never-ending labyrinth of of panels and windows and drop-down thingies and other corresponding programs just for sound, or text, or color. The text on the screen is minute, and it has to be, otherwise you can’t fit everything on there. And you know how there are key commands for programs? In Final Cut, the key commands have key commands nested in them. Look at the freakin’ keyboard, for pete’s sake.

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I loved the class, don’t get me wrong, but I realized from this class that either you learn and use Final Cut, or you learn and use everything else. Ever. In the world. I paid attention so hard my brain got itchy. I kind of glad I don’t have a Mac at home, because otherwise I would have gone out and spend the $1,200 or whatever to buy Final Cut Pro and then I never would have left my apartment ever, ever again. I’m already a bit of a homebody, so that would be the final straw.*

So I saw The Reader about two weeks ago. SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS. It’s a good movie and perfect for the Oscars: depressing, moody, lots of meaningful nudity, etc. It’s no shocker it won a bunch of golden guys. However, I have some basic problems with the film. I appreciate that Michael (the lead) can’t separate himself from Hanna (played by Kate Winslet), even when he finds out that she was an Auschwitz guard. Fine, we’re different people. But the whole thing in the movie is that Hanna is ashamed of the fact that she can’t read, and she would rather take the rap for a crime she didn’t commit and get a life sentence than be “outed” as illiterate. Whoooooo. Now, I assumed she had dyslexia or some learning disability, but near the end of the movie, she teaches herself to read and there’s nothing wrong with her. So I cannot understand why, when Hanna was younger, she didn’t go to a bookstore, tell the clerk she needed some children’s books for a friend with a baby, take them home and then teach herself to read. Her whole life went into the crapper because she couldn’t get around to finding out twenty-six little rinky-dink characters and their relationship to each other. I want to sit down with a bunch of people who think this movie is the greatest thing ever and ask them this. It… it seems so basic a question. Did anyone else see this film? Will they answer this question for me?

* My co-workers are perpetually shocked when I leave my house. I compare myself to a goblin who lives under a bridge, who comes out at night to eat children and steal your gold coins and take that sock you can never find to make a matching pair. But that’s giving myself too much credit. Goblins are more social than I will ever be.

Cameras and Comics.

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

Well, I officially killed my camera. I carry it around in my purse and it gets kicked and punched and dropped regularly (because it doesn’t cook my dinner the way I like it! Why do you make me hit you?!) and it decided to rebel by not taking pictures. Oh, it acts like it’s going to, the flash goes off and it makes a little “click” noise and you think, “I have taken a picture!”, but when you go to the memory card… no picture. So I went on my ole buddy Amazon and bought m’self a new Canon Eylphe OCD-2000 or whatever in slate blue. I will also get a case for it, so while it will continue to hang out in my purse with my keys and a myriad of other scratchy pointy items, it will be protected.

So, this past weekend. Cool experience. My friend Jem was in town (Glamor and glitter! Fashion and fame! Truly truly truly outrageous!) for the Comicon in the Javitz Center. I met up with her on Saturday night and we went to a utterly touristy place for dinner, Bubba Gump’s Shrimp Co. It’s one of those places I wouldn’t go to unless I’m with a friend from out of town. It was a lovely dinner, though. If you go there, I recommend the Louisiana Lemonade paired with either the dippin’ shrimpin’ broth or the spicy Louisiana shrimp with jasmine rice. Afterwards, Jem told me about a party occurring in her hotel. Here’s the back story: Person A bet Person B that he couldn’t get a Wolverine comic book signed by all six contributors plus Hugh Jackman. Person B accomplished the task and now Person A, having lost the bet, had to kiss Person B’s rump. The gathering in the hotel was to witness the booty-smootch. We showed up for a short while, but people were kinda just sitting around and talking quietly amongst themselves and no one was going to kiss anything for some time, so we said, “See ya,” and headed over to Connelly’s Bar for the Marvel party. It was, to use the common vulgar term, quite a sausage-fest. I am not what one might consider “smokin'”, yet a drink was purchased for me by a male. I attribute this to the lack of bosoms on the premises. I ended up in a corner talking to the guys who run the Toronto Comicon. They kept pointing out important comic people to me, saying things like, “People cry when they meet that guy… he’s like one of the gods of comics,” and to me, the man referenced looked like a sweaty bank employee – no shoulders, pasty and plain-looking. It’s amazing how ordinary celebrities can look if you don’t have a freakin’ clue who they are.

Next entry: Westminster Dog Show. I something-other-than-a-poodle won. I am happy.

I went to a reptile and amphibian show. I saw many cool things.

Monday, February 2nd, 2009

I went with Snorth last weekend, and it was delightful. I love all of God’s creatures, but I especially love crested geckos. And lo, there were many a crested gecko there. I got to hold two of them! One even licked his eyeball clean! And I exploded with happiness! I also forgot to take pictures of him while I was doing this exploding, so I found some good pictures of crested geckos online that I will post here. Imagine I’m holding one of those.

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In that last pic you can really appreciate their windshield-wiper feet that allow them to stick to glass like suction cups. Crested geckos are also called eyelash geckos because of the little ridge of eyelash-like scales over their eyes. They’re just the greatest.

So, The Reptile and Amphibian Show happens semi-annually at the Westchester County Center, which is a giant hall, and the hall was filled to the brim with beasties in plastic containers. As we came in, the first booth on the right had this grotesque 3-D display.

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Welcome to the reptile and amphibian show! We have corpses taped to paper! Enjoy your breakfast that you’re trying to keep down right now!

But at that booth, there was a smootchie little Western Hognose Snake. Hognoses are known for being excellent pets, laid-back and friendly (as friendly as snakes get). And I got to hold this little fella. What a sweetheart.

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They live for about twelve years and get to be a bit bigger then a garter snake. You can’t appreciate it in this pic, but the hognose snake is called the hognose snake because its little snoot turns up at the end like a tiny cold-blooded piggie.

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I think it looks more like a shoehorn with eyes, but it’s called the hognose, and hognose-named it shall remain.

So Snorth and I pottered around commenting on the beautiful patterns on all the beasties (quick recap: they were very beautiful) and we saw a little boy chillin’ with some big ole lizards. Big. I took pictures of the lizards with the child so you can see the scale.

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And I got a shot with some flicky-flicky tongue action! I think the lizards were plotting to eat the child.

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And there was a man selling a variety of reptiles with his favorite on his shirt, literally hanging out.

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I was so envious. I want a dragon hanging from my shirt all day. I talk to myself a lot, and I could pretend I was talking to the dragon instead, which is slightly less insane-looking.

This particular vendor had a pretty standard snake set-up, which I took a picture of so you could see it. And one of the snakes was shedding, I think.

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See him? Lower right-hand corner? And not only were there snakes and frogs and lizards, there were also tarantulas and walking-stick bugs and giant African millipedes. They really covered the whole creepy-crawly gamut. It was wonderful, and I can’t wait to go back next time, if only to cuddle my beloved geckos.

I love this owl. Do you hear me? LOVE. LOVE IT.

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

My favorite moments of this video are 1:07 and 2:15. I need this shape-shifting anime owl in my life right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Es52WQKLumI

Lights.

Thursday, December 18th, 2008

Ah, the holidays. They come at this wonderful time of year when the sun sets at four in the afternoon and I fall into a deep depression from lack of vitamin D. Thankfully, I work in an area that has a spectacular array of Christmas lights, which helps when even if you get out of work at a reasonable hour like 5:00, it’s still dark. On my walk back to Grand Central, I get to see this:

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And directly in front of me as I exit the building, I see this:

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It soothes the soul, it really does. Even better, this year they have this new thing going on. See those trees in front of Macy’s? You may remember them from the Thanksgiving Day Parade post, when I cursed them for blocking my view. Well, now I love them, because they have LED lights in them that make them look like they’re dripping phosphorescence. 24/7 electrical repair by Sunny Air Conditioning, Plumbing & Electrical offers emergency service for unexpected breakdowns especially if you set up a lot of lighting fixtures in your home. If you need professional electrical services, then make sure to consider hiring the experts. Bray Electrical provides reliable electrical panel replacement services to keep your home safe and up to code.

The first time I saw it, I stood there with my mouth agape like I just strolled out of the mountains of West Virginia and I done never them lit-up things. I took a video of it with my camera and turned it into an animated gif, and even though the footage is very grainy, hopefully it will give you an idea of what it looks like.

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SO PRETTY. It’s mesmerizing. I hope to trek over to Saks Fifth Avenue and take pictures of their windows. They’re really good this year. They’re about a snowflake named Jeff Mike who didn’t fit in with the other snowflakes. Awwwww.

Addendum: Here’s a lolcat that shows, fairly accurately, what I look like when pretty Christmas lights are flickering all around me.

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The Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Sunday, November 30th, 2008

One of the reasons I took the job at Publicis is because it is in Herald Square directly across from Macy’s, which makes it ideal for watching the Annual Thanksgiving Day Parade. I have always wanted to see the parade, so I have been planning my seating situation for months now. I scoped out the best seats, I bribed people, I had to sell a kidney, but it all worked out. Aside from the “waking up at 6:00 a.m. when it’s still dark out” part, it was pretty awesome.

Mom came with me, which was lovely. We got there before the parade began, so we got to watch the cheerleaders who open the show practice their routine.

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Before we really get into this, let me tell you how annoying that tree was. See it? The last tree in New York with leaves on it? The one blocking half my view? I hate that tree. I hate it with a white-hot hate. Stupid crappy tree.

So the cheerleaders did their thing and shook their red sparkly pompoms and Meredith Viera and Matt Lauer went into their booth, and then… I spent the rest of the parade guessing what was happening. I can’t tell you how important the newscasters are to the parade-watching process. You really spend a great deal of time not knowing what is going on and why. Luckily, I am a massive Broadway nerd, so I could immediately figure out all of the Broadway shows (The Heights, White Christmas, The Little Mermaid, South Pacific) but since most of the floats were partially cut off by the STUPID TREE, I was flummoxed by many of the activities below. I totally missed the best float:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wL-hNMJvcyI

I love Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends, and the parade being rickrolled? Missed that too. So sad. *mimics tear running down cheek*

The Rockettes welcomed the parade to Herald Square. Their precision reminded me of Lipizanner horses, those Viennese precision horses that do perfect maneuvers in arenas. I’ve seen them three or four times. Here’s a link:

http://www.lipizzaner.com/home.asp

There are two things you can count on when you see the Lipizanners: one, they will be in perfect formation and two, some of the horses will take massive dumps while performing. The Rockettes did well on #1, but no #2. Literally and figuratively.

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Then the cops came in with their motorcycles a-flashin’ and it was all very exciting, except that the Rockettes (who you can see lined up there) split in half and did a Heil Hitler thing to welcome the cops in, which was flat-out creepy.

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Frankly, there was a great deal there that reminded me of World War II. If you watched a great deal of PBS or, later on when cable came to your house, The Hitlery Channel, you saw a great deal of people in large groups marching in precision. So every time a band turned down the street, I felt like the next thing I would hear would be, “The Allied Forces realized that they would need the full power of their combined armies to blah blah blabity blah…”

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The view we had was ideal for watching balloons come by. We could see them for a good ten minutes. I was thrilled to see some of my childhood standards make their way by. I will say I definitely got a little misty-eyed when Kermit came by. I gots a big ole soft spot for Jim Henson.

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I also got some pictures of the odd float here and there. I tried to figure out who was performing on what float. I deduced Idina Menzel was performing on one float because I could tell by her voice wafting up to the window (she’s a Broadway performer and was in one of my favorite shows Wicked, so I can recognize her voice very quickly), but other than that, I was pretty lost. There was a male country singer, some teeny-boppers and a Native American performer.

I knew Miley Cyrus would be singing on a float, and when I saw this big stone rhino coming down the street with people rock-climbing and scaling it and then heard a woman singing on it (I couldn’t see her, of course, because of the STUPID TREE AAAARGH). I assumed it was Miley, and then I tried to guess what the stone rhino represented.

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The best thing I could come up with is the stone rhino represents her strong Christian values and will to keep her virginity, and the people scaling the rhino are the bad influences trying to break her down, but no, her stone rhino will stay intact until marriage. As represented by a float in the parade. Probably not. I couldn’t think of anything better. Then I saw this float and thought that maybe Miley was on this float, because it was super-girlie-looking:

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And maybe she was. I still don’t know what float she was on, and frankly I don’t care. I REALLY want it to be the stone rhino, and I REALLY want the stone rhino to represent her maidenhead, but I’m guessing I’m wrong on both counts and that’s fine.

It was nice to see some staples that I’ve been seeing since I was a wee tot, like the turkey that blinks and looks totally demented, and the Macy’s balloon that looks like… a balloon (revolutionary!) and the sparkly gold Macy’s stars.

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My favorite moment was when Alvin Ailey Dance Group performed the piece I like best choreographed by him, Wade In The Water:

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And were followed by a Keith Haring balloon. Awesome moment. Awesome.

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I’m sure there was a ton I missed, because both Mom and I were falling asleep by 10:45. We collected ourselves and headed home by 11:30, so we missed Santa coming into Herald Square, but maybe I’ll do this again next year and then I’ll see Santa.

I went to the Cat Show, and I realized that if I was a pet owner, I would not be weird at all. Not even a little.

Monday, November 24th, 2008

There was a cat show this past weekend in my town on White Plains, so I couldn’t not go. Like, five minutes from my house. Too close, too easy. I’ve been to cat shows before and the cats are fine, but the swirl of sheer cat-hysteria that surrounds them is what I really wanted to document. I only stayed for an hour, but I think I truly captured the goodness to be had.

This year, much to my happiness, I saw a great many sphinxes. I think since Austin Powers, sphinxes have grown in popularity. I was greeted by one shortly after entering. I call him Gollum.

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What was unusual about this particular sphinx cat is while they normally don’t have any fur, they usually have, oh, I don’t know, FLESH on their, whaddyacallems, BONES. You see that paw there with the webbing? Wait ’til Gollum stretches out his little feline phalanges.

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His paw is like an anatomy lesson. Tendons, bones, all clearly exposed for your nauseous pleasure. A close-up? Why, certainly:

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Moving on. The best thing about a cat show, without a doubt, is how the owners choose to deck out their cages. (The cat’s cages, not the owner’s cages. The owners were not in cages. To my knowledge, at least.) They PIMP those cages, hard. It was often difficult to see the cat within. Don’t believe me? Behold:

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Not only do they decorate the cages, they put little photos and messages and whatnot all over them. There’s a big concern about kitty flu and leukemia, so you see a great many signs that say things like, “Please don’t pet me even if I beg”, but this one was special.

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Rhyming verse AND that drippy blood horror font. Lovely. When I look at that, I think of Outbreak, the movie with Dustin Hoffman. I’ll be petting your kitties, and the next thing I know I have a cough and I’m bleeding from the eyes. Thanks for that.

People also put little charming touches around the cages. This one says Sgt. Pawper’s Lonely Sharp Claws Band. I’d make fun of it if the Photoshopping was bad, but it isn’t, so I am kind of impressed. They even replaced the hands with little paws. Good show, Team Beatles, good show. May your large fluffy Maine Coons win lots of ribbons.

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Speaking of maine coons, there was this one worn out kitty. When we came over, the owner tried to rouse this tuckered-out fella with a stick that had a fluffy thing on it, and he gamely batted at it with one paw for a few seconds before he was clearly over it. Look at his lovely paw fluffs. Quite a pleasant change from Gollum and his medical textbook toes.

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There were several tie-tie kitties. It was Day 2 of the cat show, nearing the end of the day, and everyone was running out of steam.

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Meanwhile, people were carrying their cats from show area to show area, and I intercepted several of them to give smootchies and love. Like this exquisite Chartruese cat doing, as Snorth said, her best impression of Princess Diana.

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Then, ohmigod, she had to look at fingers! So entrancing, the fingers!

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There was this guy hanging around. I christened him Old Man. As in, “Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn!” The cat’s not old, he was just bred to look disgruntled all the time. I think this breed is called Perpetually In Line At The Post Office.

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Now, at dog shows, the dogs, well, show. Here, with cats, you kinda just gotta manhandle them into however you want them. You stretch them out like sausages and squeeze them and do whatever it is you need to to judge them accurately. I have some pictures of this.

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I took this picture because I loved how photogenic the cats in the back looked.

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Dignity. I do not has it.

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The true piece de resistance I left for last. As you can imagine, there are many things for sale – climbing trees, various foods and toys, etc. – as well as cat outfits. SERIOUS cat outfits, not just some socks or a sweater. Now, let’s all look at this sphinx modelling this lovely number with matching hat. Take it all in, people.

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Interestingly, this cat wasn’t trying to run away or kill itself, as I would if I was freakish genetically altered cat wearing a vibrant “Extra in the Wizard of Oz” costume with festive feather. The cat apparently likes it. It’s A-OK with it.

Recently, a famous blogger Rich from FourFour documented the cat show in Madison Square Garden on video, so if this wasn’t quite enough cat show, you can watch his take on it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgU44_hrSB0