Archive for the ‘Teh Intarwebz’ Category

The Euro Cup… thing. You know, with the ball.

Tuesday, June 26th, 2012

This past weekend I went to Astoria to watch the soccer match between England and Italy. England lost about thirty years after the game started during the penalty kick part. Of course, the entire time the game was being played I was going on and on about how lovely the logo this year is. “Ooh, lookit! It’s a tulip! Pretty colors!” Then I went to the website and the whole thing is pretty and flowery, which is unusual for a sporting event.

Can you imagine the Super Bowl (or Superb Owl, as I call it) with lilies and chrysanthemums incorporated into their motif? I’m impressed that the rest of the world isn’t as testosterone-driven with their design elements as we are in the U.S.A.. Good for them. Good for you, Rest of the World. If you want to bet on sports games or play different casino games, you may look into this dewi222 gaming platform.

I have seen many things that I must now share with you.

Friday, June 22nd, 2012

Number one: Are you people watching Game of Thrones? If not, you need to get on that, pronto. I just watched all of Season 1 and Season 2 and whoo, it is addictive. For those of you who don’t know, here’s a basic plot summary. There’s seven kingdoms and the king who ruled them all dies. Now there’s an all-out battle to figure out who the “rightful” heir to the throne is. And the throne itself is amazing. It’s called the Iron Throne and it is made from the swords of people the king vanquished, which is so very, very cool. HBO has a replica for $30,000 and I was sorely tempted to sell off a great many of my possessions to acquire this. Here’s a poster of Sean Bean sitting on it.

WANT. But it’s not worth watching solely for the rad sitting device, oh no. The writing is great, the acting is great, especially the child actors. Costumes, great. Sets, great. Opening credits, super-great.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7L2PVdrb_8

See how it’s a map? In each episode, it changes depending on the people they’re focusing on. Despite having no sense of direction, I have totally figured out where everybody is from because of that helpful map opening. Thank you, helpful map opening! Now, a heads-up. The show has loads of incest, rape, prostitution, beheadings, stabbings, maimings, etc. It’s about war in a mythical medieval land where life is, you know, rough and medieval-y. I learned early on not to get too attached to any particular characters because chances are good that they will die in a gruesome and horrid manner. I was wondering how they were going to keep this up but they seem to be introducing new people all the time, so I don’t think they’ll run out.

Number two: I saw Shame, the movie with Michael Fassbender and Carey Mulligan. Very good and very depressing. I am shocked – shocked! – that Michael Fassbender did not get nominated for an Oscar. Not only does he give a fantastic performance, he checks all the boxes required by an Oscar movie. He sobs (in the rain!), he gets naked, he moodily stares off into the distance to complete silence multiple times, he is super self-destructive. He basically gives the same performance as Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball or Charlize Theron in Monster. It’s a perfect Oscar nomination movie. The rumor is that he wasn’t nominated because… of his penis. Seriously. How can I put this graciously? Michael has the longest wang in film history and he walks directly towards the camera a couple of times where it swings back and forth like an elephant’s trunk. Apparently well-hung men are not Oscar-worthy. I would like to say I am very disappointed in the Academy and I think not only should they award Michael Fassbender with an Oscar, they should award a separate one to his dick as an apology. I think you should see this movie because the performances are excellent, but it’s a sad movie about sex addiction without a happy resolution and copious amounts of compulsive unpleasant shtupping, so don’t rent this movie for date night.

Number three: I also saw Kung Fu Panda II. No one was more surprised than me that the movie was delightful. I loved Kung Fu Panda I and I was really concerned and apprehensive that KFP2 would be epically crappy. I shall not soon forget the sadness I experienced with Men In Black II. But I decided to steel myself and it was really sweet and charming and, as in the first one, the animation and design was terrific, very beautiful. I am actually looking forward to a Kung Fu Panda III. Probably my favorite thing was when Po the Panda hides in a Chinese dragon-type thing. I say “Chinese dragon-type thing” because it does not look like a Chinese dragon. It looks like a Tim Burton bear/caterpillar with antlers all over its body. I want one. I made an animated gif.

My favorite moment was when the Kung Fu masters (who are now all hiding under the Tim Burton dragon) drag a bad-guy wolf into the mouth part, beat the crap out of the wolf, and “poop” him out the other side. I made an animated gif of that as well.

So you should see this movie too. This one will be good for date night. Waaaaay less dangly man-junk.

Lobstahs.

Wednesday, June 20th, 2012

I was doing research for my Burning Man costume (I’m trying to accomplish building a face-thingie), and when searching for “lobster face” on Google, once I get past the four million pictures of Lady Gaga wearing that glittery lobster hat, I found some really interesting lobster pics. Did you know lobsters develop each half of their body separately? I didn’t. The cool side effect is two-toned lobsters. One is even half male, half female, split down the middle. (S)he is an exceptionally confused crustacean.

Art! Not mine! Let’s look at it!

Thursday, May 31st, 2012

First of all, Tom Gauld (who I’ve talked about here before) just started a Tumblr of his Guardian newspaper cartoons and I am delighted. I think his work is charming. I especially like the Tom Waits one.

http://myjetpack.tumblr.com/

And, in keeping with the recent Alien theme, there is an artist I came across in my travels who I think is super-swell and who’s work is in that same Geiger-eque vein. There’s a bunch of artists who have started working in Photoshop almost exclusively and often their work looks like oil paintings, all rich and smooth and vibrant. Mark Facey is one of them. The second I saw his stuff I was entranced. He has an understanding of different textures that I can only dream of. His work is reminiscent of Brian Froud’s to me, and if you go to Mark’s Tumblr you can see he also names all his creatures and gives them a bit of a backstory. Here’s a few examples of his unbridled awesomeness.

It appears that he first makes a complicated and thorough pencil drawing, then scans that in and works from that. Here’s one of his pencil sketches.

And here’s where you can buy his prints: http://society6.com/mrfungi

More Alien movie. Oh, you thought I was done? You was WRONG.

Wednesday, May 30th, 2012

Sorry for not blogging in a while, a bunch of stuff has been going down which impeded my ability to share the daily detritus of my life. Did everyone have a nice Memorial Day Weekend? I did not go to a beach. I at no point attempted to tan. I did, however, work on my Burning Man costume and I will have pictures of cool elements shortly. First, here’s a festive bit of spam I received recently. I don’t get much spam nowadays since I installed a filter-thingie, but dribs and drabs get through. This one caught my eye.

It’s the usual collection of words that are unrelated but it ends with the sale of tinfoil hats. Where are they selling them? It seems like such an odd thing to reference. Perhaps the Russian computer dork in the dark basement concocting this spam had recently watched the Mel Gibson classic Signs, which features tinfoil hats rather prominently, who knows? One can only guess.

Back to Alien(s)(3)(Resurrection). Snorth came over on Monday to hang out and we went to Barnes and Noble, where she purchased Aliens (that’s the second one) and Alien Resurrection (that’s the fourth one, they didn’t have the third one in stock). And we watched them. And now I have seen them. I grow weary of the dark, Geiger-inspired hoohah that I have now seen for five hours. I have a couple of thoughts:

  • ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE DRIPPING AND THE WETNESS AND THE DROOLING. What the hell is the alien related to, a bull mastiff? I developed a moisture-related rash while watching.
  • I had the same problem with 1 and 2 that I had with Dark Knight, specifically it is very dark and when there is conflict and the camera is zipping all over I cannot tell who is fighting whom or what.
  • I don’t know if this is sacrilege or not, but I liked Resurrection best. It was directed by the same guy who directed Delicatessen which is one of my top four movies of all time, and his style was clearly present throughout this film. That made me happy. Also, it was a substantially brighter film, so I could see everything that happened, which was nice. Let me be clear, though. I thought it was good up until the humany-alien ripped its way out of the queen’s womb and then the movie got über-stupid. I did like the humany-alien’s death a bunch. Ripley breaks a window in space and y’all know how nature abhors a vacuum so the humany-alien sticks back-first to the window hole where he receives the most violent hickey of all time, courtesy of outer space. He looks like a sex doll deflating. The most revolting sex doll ever.
  • The aliens have yellow glorpy acid blood and sometimes when they get shot with high-caliber bullets or grenades they explode like fruit. Now, Publicis (the company I work for) made a series of web commercials for Pepto Bismol celebrating Cinco de Mayo which I will link to here, and I totally thought that the aliens going boom looked nearly identical to the pinatas filled with nacho cheese, which kind of ruined the magic a wee bit. It also made me want nachos. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xigklq_pepto-bismol-pinata-smash-with-brick_fun
  • Ugh, I really hate Bill Paxton. He’s that guy in high school that I would like to not be near ever. I rejoiced in his death by alien.
  • You know how the alien has the second mouth inside of its main mouth? That always reminds me of those fish that keep their babies safe in their mouth. It definitely softens the scariness. As do the silver teeth, which make me think of rapper’s grills, which makes me think of Lil Jon, which makes me think of Dave Chappelle’s impression of Lil Jon, which makes me lose my focus and then someone is killed by the alien and I don’t know who and then I’m frustrated. Here’s the impression I’m referencing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUfiqhDY_8s

Alien. A movie. With Aliens. There ya go.

Monday, May 21st, 2012

Because Prometheus is coming out shortly and it is based on the movie Alien, Snorth informed me that I must see Alien. I was like, okay, I really should, but I forgot my “classic movie” rule, which is if you see either an older movie or a movie that came out when you were a kid, chances are you are going to (incorrectly) think it sucks because you are old and jaded and a million movies just like it have come out in the time since the original came out. It is not a bad, lame movie. You just didn’t see it when you were supposed to see it. In the case of Alien, I was supposed to see it in the early 1980s. Instead, I saw it in 2012, and I thought it was kinda slow. There was no deeper plot elements to sink your teeth into – it was literally:

Oh well, we gotta do this outer space job. Hey, what’s that signal? Something’s stuck on this dude’s face! Oh, now it’s not. Let’s have dinner. Punch through sternum. Scuttle across floor. Ruin mealtime. Everyone mills around looking mad nervous for what feels like a million years. Here kitty kitty kitty – HOLY CRAP! Who’s left? Now let’s mill around with a flame thrower for another million years. He dies. She dies. Everybody except Sigourney dies. Sigourney catches the stupid cat, they get on the pod (did anyone notice that a goodly portion of this film involves stuffing that cat into one or another tiny cage-like space? If I was that cat I would not volunteer for any more space missions) and AHHHHH Drooly Soggy Lizard Creature is napping over the console! Sigourney gets kinda nekkid. Then she puts on a space suit making THE MOST POSSIBLE NOISE EVER yet the alien is totally cool with this. She sucks him out the side of the escape pod, he snags a grappling hook and she revs up the engines and sautees him. The end.

Now, please realize I went about this all wrong. I’m old, this movie is old, I’ve seen a ton of movies that ripped this movie off therefore nothing in it is unique. All these things are errors on me. I like to think of this as the Elvis Situation. Elvis was the first of his kind to make his music and I think that’s great, but I don’t love his stuff. I respect how he was the first honky singing blues. And that’s how I feel about Alien. I respect its original awesomeness and all the doors it broke down, but it didn’t change my life in any integral way.

I’m psyched to see Prometheus, though.

Jan Huling the Beadist, Shayna Lieb the Glassist, and two epic WTF movies.

Thursday, April 26th, 2012

I went to SOFA 2012 last weekend. SOFA stands for Sculptural Objects and Functional Art. It’s a terrific show of different galleries showing off their best stuff that isn’t paintings. A lot of glass, a lot of bronze, a lot of ceramic, jewelry, furniture and everything in between. Here are some images I found on the internet to give you an idea.

I love going every year because there’s all this art there, the kind of art you see in modern art museums all over the world, and if you have piles and piles of money you can own some. It feels more alive than a museum because the art isn’t just sitting there – it’s changing hands. You can meet the gallery owners, the artists, the buyers, everyone. It’s exciting. There were two artists that were of particular interest to me. One was Jan Huling. I saw her work at the first SOFA I went to, I think it was 2006. She finds bits of what some people consider trash and she covers them with intricate seed bead patterns. I’ve always loved that idea, the idea of taking a variety of items that have little or no worth in themselves and through your hard work and skill, convert them into things of beauty and value. I am still a little sad that I didn’t buy one of her pieces at that first SOFA. It was a bird sculpture (she was really into birds then) on top of an ostrich egg with a happy little cricket waving a little paper hat. I adored it but it was around $4,000 and I simply don’t have that kind of money. Probably the most expensive art I have in my house was around $600 and I struggled with that, so four grand wasn’t going to happen. Every time I see her work, though, I get a little pang for my bird-with-ostrich-egg piece. Sigh. I found some pieces that are similar so you get an idea.

She, as with all good artists, has expanded her horizon and now she’s moved on from birds and smaller pieces to larger pieces. Jan has also now incorporated medallions and leaves more negative space. I was super-excited to see that she had three pieces for sale at SOFA and two of them had red dots on their name plaques (meaning they were sold). The two sold pieces was this really big monkey:

And this awesome cobra that I totally would have loved to have in my house.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I love it when artists I love are successful. It warms the cockles of my heart. And I’ve been watching Jan’s work for a while now, so it’s wonderful to see her pieces getting appreciated more and more each year.

The other artist that really caught my eye was a woman called Shayna Leib. I’m a sucker for glass, so it’s no surprise I fell in love with her work. They look like swirly ocean grasses expanding out of boxes. Here’s one to give you an idea.

On her website she explains her process. Apparently she makes cane, usually opaque color inside, transparent color on the outside. She does it with an assistant because they stretch the glass over fifty feet. Thirty feet of it is usable, not to thick, not too thin. Shayna then cuts in into a variety of lengths, but the pieces are all stick-straight, so she warms them up (really warm, glass needs to be hot), so they bend over metal curved shapes, and when they’re cool, she very slowly assembles them from one corner to another inside the frames so they flow and wave. They really don’t work very well in photographs. In person, they take your breath away. I found some closeups to help illustrate the incredible-ness.

There was a piece like the one above that I would have loved to own but it was 1) sold, and 2) $53,000. FIFTY-THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS. I do not have fifty-three thousand dollars, but if I owned an office building I would put one of her pieces in the entrance hall to greet everyone every day because they are magical. I would feel bad if it was in my house and only me and my familiars got to enjoy it. You see something new every time.

Lately I’ve been digging into the treasure trove of Netflix streaming movies. I think Netflix thinks I’m an arty pervert, because it recommended two films that I have a lot of problems with: Sleeping Beauty and Dogtooth. Sleeping Beauty came out about a year ago and it is about an Australian young woman who needs money so she does some medical tests, and waitresses, and possibly prostitutes herself a little bit. Then she gets a job doing table service in her underpanties with other women, also in very exposing scanty garb. I found a picture and put modesty hearts over all the nipple-age. The lead’s the one in white.

They serve these old people dinner and then two of the women get naked and pretend to be andirons at the fireplace, it’s so very weird and S&M-y and not very sexy at all. Then she signs up to drink this tea that makes her fall asleep and old men can lay naked with her, no penetration, but they can snuggle and she won’t remember any of it. What the…? Seriously, that’s the film. A bunch of other stuff happens and it ends, but nothing is resolved and it doesn’t really matter. I cannot fathom how this film got made. It’s so art-house-y and pointless. You know a film is bleh when it’s got sex-n-nudity in it and you’re not even slightly titillated. Which leads me into my second film recommended by Netflix called Dogtooth. I’m not even going to try and explain it. Watch the preview.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFtDzK64-pk

What a fat hairy pile of WTF that movie was. Oh, did I mention there’s a super-creepy and depressing sex scene in it? It’s a bonus! That’s probably how it got that “No one 18 and under admitted.” If it was me, I’d insist people 18 and under go see it. It would certainly cut down on teenage pregnancy. I hate you, Netflix. From now on, I’m only watching movies made by Michael Bay, with big shiny explosions.

Burning Man Costume Part 5.

Monday, April 16th, 2012

Before we get to that, a friend of mine showed me a video of a Kinect game where you are either Darth Vader or that nasty shriveled Emperor and you have… a dance-off. I don’t know why this exists. The whole thing was really funny, but at the end, I cracked up and I made an animated gif of the exceptionally amusing portion.

Happy dancing stormtroopers! Get down witcho’ bad selves!

Okay, costume. I hemmed the skirt that Snorth made for me (thank you, Snorth) and painted it brown and more brown and gold. Then I covered it with wee magenta dots so it would somewhat match the jacket bit. It’s okay that the magenta dots aren’t exactly the same because the skirt and jacket will be covered by a plethora of sea beasts. I took one picture with flash and one picture with natural light. Neither one is completely accurate, but it definitely gives you an idea.

I trimmed the jacket sleeves and the back panel and added all kinds of froofy-foo. Seaweed, glass beads, some fabric paint and some green sequins. I’d like you to note that nowhere am I using any crystal. No crystal beads and no rhinestones. There’s a reason for that, it’s very simple. The reason why is once you encrust something in rhinestones, it immediately becomes awesome. Anything. See image below.

What do we have here: a tape dispenser, a toilet, a wee bottle of Vaseline? You get my point. So in order to make this a challenge for myself I decided no crystal of any kind, and no precious stones. Some glass, mostly plastic, a lot of fabric. It’s a challenge for me because it’s out of my comfort zone, but I like that. I’m attempting to do that famous quote:

“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

So, yeah, sleeves. I tried to find alternative ways to make it spectacular without being bejeweled. I also took pictures of the sleeves with and without flash to give you a better understanding of the look I’m going for.

And finally, tube worms! Who doesn’t like a good tube worm? Bad people, that’s who. These guys are going on my hat with the sea anemone. The ugly bases will be covered by kelp and whatnot. Maybe some mussels if I have the time.

I still have a million things to do (the giant crab that goes on my hip isn’t going to make itself) but I feel like I’m getting somewhere. I can see the finished product a little bit better in my head now.

Cake cake cake cake, etc.

Wednesday, April 11th, 2012

Today’s post will be about baked goods! I heard Rihanna’s latest song “Birthday Cake Remix” which she sings with Chris Brown and I originally hated it pretty violently, but not unlike a toenail fungus the song has crawled into my brain and has taken up residence there, and I suppose like a Stockholm Syndrome victim I have grown to like it. Here’s a link to it (warning, super-vulgar and sadly not really about cake):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2JTFyg2hcU

I was wandering around the internet and I saw The Most Amazing Cake Ever™. Seriously, look at this thing and tell me otherwise.

I did some research and found out it is from the Atlanta, GA shop Highland Bakery. I’m thinking of setting up a road trip because, damn. Check out their other cakes and you’ll see what I mean.

I bet those cakes are mad tasty too, but I’m just blown away by the artistic skill. They could taste like sand and ash and I would eat them solely to have some of that amazing art in mah belleh.

http://highlandbakery.com/

Addendum: OMG there are two new cakes posted on Highland Bakery’s Flickr stream. I… I have no words for the bunny cake. Gloriousness.

Random whatnot and such.

Monday, March 26th, 2012

Nothing exceptionally interesting has been going in the World of Jessica (I went to a farmer’s market and bought horseradish pickles, but they didn’t really taste like horseradish and I was disappoizzzzzzzzzzzz) so here are a few things that have been floating around that you might enjoy.

1. I was checking out on Amazon the other day and there was this:

For some reason I felt a bit violated. Hey Amazon, I don’t know what you think of my prudent caves but I would appreciate you keeping your thoughts to yourself thankssomuch.

2. There’s a wonderful website called KnockingOff.com, with pictures of – you guessed it – knockoffs. Here are a few of my favorites.

And this one is my favorite, specifically because a friend of mine, JR, went to Taiwan in 1998 or 1999 and when he returned he regaled me with tales of Engrish littering the streets. One was adidas, but spelled with an lower-case L instead of an I. To this day I still call it adldas. The other was the brand Puma, but with the letters rearranged to spell Pmua. I also still call them Pmua. And lo, a photo of it, bringing back warm college memories:

PMUA!!

3. If you are unfamiliar with InBread Cats, you should familiarize yourself, because it is delightful.

4. In keeping with the cat theme, I really enjoy this Gatonovela.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXCSvq1htfg&